Hope

Hi! I’m new here. I’ve been very curious on the Smooth Passages that was in a book called My Heart and Other Black Holes and it led me to this website.

I think my depression all started 2 years ago. You may be thinking, I was so strong that I’m still alive up to this time. Well I tried. I’ve kept myself busy but the pain only deepens. I never told anyone about this. I may have given them signs yet nobody cares. The first year was very hard for me. I keep having insomnias at night and then this black shadow overcomes me and I was crying. I always overheard people talking things about me at school. It pains more to know that some of those people were those whom I considered as friends. The teachers would talk about me. They would make fun of what I do. In class, they would talk about me like I am not with them. These things made me feel so unworthy. Even now, at work, my co-employees would talk about how incompetent I am. They would even show to me that I will never be part of their group. They would pass all their works to me and would be mad when I haven’t finish doing it. I cried many times.

Even with my own family. They made me feel like I’m a dissapointment. I’m the eldest and I have this big responsibility and it pressures me. My grandmas death last year made me hate myself more. Up to this time I still feel guilty. Maybe…I may have done something with her death. Maybe because I didn’t try to wake her up that day that she died. Maybe because of my stupidity, she died. I’m still afraid. My father died when I was six and my two brothers were still 2 and 4. That leaves my mom, me and my 2 brothers in this house. I know how hard my mom works. That is why I’m still trying.

Well, honestly, the thought of committing suicide never crosses my mind and I’m thankful for that. But the point is, maybe not now but how about tomorrow? No matter how hard my situation is, I still have hope.

xx