Every few months I come back here to say basically the same thing, wondering who else might feel the same way: I have no complaints in life, but every day I find myself obsessively craving death.
Although I’m not rich, I don’t worry about money. Although I could be more successful in my work, I’ve accomplished plenty in my lifetime. Although I don’t have a girlfriend, I’m good friends with enough smart, caring, attractive females that I never feel lonely. Health is fine. Everything’s fine. And I’m sick of living.
Most people would never understand this, and even here I doubt many would understand. All the posts I see talk about problems, but I don’t have any. So even here I’m an outsider.
But I’m not the only one. Just check the news for the latest celebrity suicide, and you’ll see that not everyone who commits suicide has problems. And although it’s easy to dismiss these mysterious suicides as “mental illness” and move on, the fact is that each of them has a reason that’s just as valid as anyone else’s, if it results in death.
I’ve tried rationalizing my desire for death as maybe I have some hidden trauma, or some ongoing stress which I won’t admit to myself, or maybe I am lonely after all (you can be lonely even amongst all the friends in the world). But no, these aren’t the case.
If I had to sum up why I want to die so badly, all I could say would be that I don’t have the same appreciation for life that 99% of the world has. To me, life is just a thing that’s neither great nor horrible. It’s like a movie that’s ok, but all the same, you’d rather switch it off and go to sleep.
8 comments
I enjoy this post because that is the way I used to be. Over the years, you realize it really isn’t fine and that it’s a rat poison existence. And then it comes to the point where you’re not slowly approaching a peaceful suicide any longer, but you are running towards death so you are no longer tortured/abused. But sure, mark it down for mental illness. They will be dead anyhow.
Haha. I’m not too worried though because I just have a few things left to do. I’m trying not to be terrified of my abuse the last 5 years. I’m pretty much dead already. I sneak here, there, everywhere like a noxious ghost. One day I’ll sneak out the back gate and won’t breathe another breath. I’m hoping not too get murdered/raped/held at knife-point before then though.. doing my best to protect myself. I don’t know what keeps attacking me whether it is alive, a spirit or a demonic entity. But no way to escape the constant attacks other than suicide at this point. And if I could I’d forget about it and live the life I had planned, but I can’t, so goodbye world. You were always like a piece of sh*t to me.
Other than the abuse and the attacks… a more peaceful way is you see everyone is exactly the same and life is simply not worth living. There is no joy, happiness, excitement, surprise, emotion on this planet. Every one is just an empty husk, feeding, feeding, feeding.
“I don’t know what keeps attacking me whether it is alive, a spirit or a demonic entity. But no way to escape the constant attacks other than suicide at this point.
…
everyone is exactly the same and life is simply not worth living. There is no joy, happiness, excitement, surprise, emotion on this planet. Every one is just an empty husk, feeding, feeding, feeding.”
Those 2 points sum it up for me perfectly. Sometimes I’m ok, but then suddenly the “demon” gets me and I get plunged into the deepest urge to die. But it’s not just an inexplicable depression like the doctors would say. It’s the realization of your point #2, that everyone is just pointlessly existing, feeding, feeding, feeding, and for what? And that’s when I just want to get it over with.
Not only that I continue to get attacked but even if I didn’t get attacked at least 50 times in the last three years… I’m still left with memories I can’t live with, things that should never have ever happened to me. Just those memories enough are what make me want to pull the trigger. I don’t worry about it though. Thanks for talking about it with me. I waste my time on here because I’m supposed to be dead already so I am very devoid. I waste my time until my suicide, it was planned for 6 years back and I was very intent with going through it – was the best thing I had ever decided on my own – I had planned that thoroughly before I ever touched a drink or drug, but in order to kill myself I have to get some things done and then I’m out of here. I thought I had more meaningful things to do with my last year on earth. I was greeted by an attacker and I have now become a zombie to the system. Where everything I’m doing in my last time alive is paying the court for drug/alcohol consumption. I was there consuming the drug and alcohol that night because interesting enough I was about to jump off the cliff the next day. The drug and alcohol were the only things that I stayed alive for. If I wasn’t drinking or doing drug I would have killed myself 6 years prior. It’s like that when your whole life has been empty. The drug and alcohol are frowned on by the self-absorbed humanity but it is the only thing that showed me a world I didn’t need to die in.
Thing is, the drug made me a better person.. the drugs the court feed me make me a deeply depressed sapping zombie that took me years to recover from a few doses. And they shove the pill down my throat whenever they get the chance.
I had to finally tell them “I NEVER CONSENTED TO THIS. I wanted to trust you I did. But now that I know the truth, HELL NO. This is quack. This ain’t no real business. This ain’t for anyone but yourselves.” They responded by insulting me and shoving me in a corner.
-English is my 2nd language, but i write it long because I finally found other human who feel the same way-
Today, while I was working out at the gym, I am curious same thing in my head . My life isn’t great but it just ok. There is problems in my family but any problem has the way out, I know that. So, is this enough for me to kill myself? But, thats just not the case. Problem or not, I firmly do not want to live my life anymore. I don’t feel the interest or happiness in life. I have no feeling, i dont even want to smile. Surely I will commit suicide in someday because I’m sick of having to starting my day again and again.
But, I have one thing that I love which is working out. I’m working out 4-5 times a week. (does other suicidals do workout regulary?) I dream about being ready and dying young in my cozy bedroom.(Not when i’m old and suffer or accident.)
This could be a reason that I wanted to die, I never want kid. I have no friends, no bf, and I am not close to my family either. I’m such a true loner. Thats why there is no point for me to live. And, this might be a weird part of my thinking. I found its a great idea to know exactly when I will die, so I can do things I wanted to do before I end it.
Such as, Eat whatever I want , working out to feel the adrenaline, dress the way I feel pretty, live by the beach(not yet but still have time). I also want to try dating. But I’m hold on to it because I don’t want to leave that person a scar, if I commit suicide later on.
The No.1 reason I still alive is because I have to get some stuffs done for my family which hopefully take about 1 more year. Then I will be able to rest for ever. While waiting for the time to come, I will do more research on the perfect method and checking people’s stories out here. I can relate so much on being lonely.
gonegirl8 – You said so many things that are in my heart also. I have no interest in happiness. So what other reason is there to live?
I do work out, not as much as you, but may be 3 times a week for 2-3 hours until I’m delirious. Sometimes it feels good. Other times (like yesterday) it makes me feel worse. But I keep doing it, just because it’s better than lying in bed thinking about killing myself.
You said: “I found its a great idea to know exactly when I will die, so I can do things I wanted to do before I end it.”
That is a beautiful thought. If we know exactly when we will die, and we are not afraid of death, then the opportunities are endless. Maybe thats the solution. Accept that we are going to die, and then do everything. I would love to live by the beach for a little while. Just to see what it’s like.
Dating is a great idea, and you should try it. I don’t date anymore (for the same reasons you said. I don’t want to leave that person a scar if I commit suicide), but maybe 1 or 2 casual dates can be fun.
Sometimes I want happiness. But most of the time I just want to be finished with life.
Workout 2-3hrs, thats crazy! I only do 45mins -1hr. I have those kind of days too. I force myself to go workout and not feeling good at all. But I hide inside my apartment24/7 already. And, I am not going to die now. I have to do something to make the time went by faster. You are right, its better than lying in bed thinking about killing myself.
Talking about dating, I’m an introvert. When I start looking for dates, I feel like this is not what I want and end up being alone. lol its just hard when your brain is contrast itself. You want company but you also want to be alone. Life is really not for me… Its too hard, too boring, I dont get it. haha
This could be out of subject, but I just sharing how I find the way to have a better mood. I just started taking Lorazepam 2mg about month ago, It help my mood a lot. I’m not repeat thinking about killing myself 100x a day like I used to. It will not change my desire of planing suicide tho. I just get through the end of each day easier. Also, help me sleep longer.
I have a really loving caring and amazing boyfriend yet I still want to die…. or at least get cravings and tell myself that I want to. I just don’t really like life itself. I have problems in my life so my view is probably null.
Don’t get me wrong I have alot of fun with him my favourite time was when we went to the beach, I felt very free.
But then again life is just really the same thing everyday. I don’t know I just don’t really want another 60+ yrs of this. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend. Its just me. After all I wanted to die years before we met.
Hmm… most of the time, I definitely feel a lot worse than this outlook, but I can understand that even at your happiest, you find life to just be boring and unreal most of all…
Heck, it’s mainly because even when I’m happy, it’s all short-term happiness, like escapism through hobbies like playing video games or whatever…
Being an “adult” is hard stuff…
I feel like no one ever told me how to be an adult and wanted me to completely figure it out myself, no one ever has time for me apparently, and on top of that, I’m considered autistic, so I had to special help from some DARS program crap to even get a job…
And… it was really hard to do stuff like getting a job on my own, because formality feels so unnatural and judgmental, it scares me…
For like 5 years I had no job and a part of me was really happy and relaxed because of that, but I also really wanted a future and didn’t want to feel like a failure, and was dying inside…
So I like, went out and tried to get a job after getting fed up with my life, despite my social anxiety. It was really hard for me, but my frustration was even higher.
Guess what? Despite at least having a high school education, no one would hire me, not even for crappy jobs like convience store clerk, subway/firehouse subs, starbucks, stuff like I needed more job experience, or my social anxiety gets in the way of it, or the location is a problem and there’s too many people already working, or just some other stupid excuse…
Like, what did I even do anything in this world for, all the crap OTHER people wanted me to do?
How pointless…
Sigh… I hate only caring about myself from crappy experiences like this, but what can you do…