I haven’t been on my medication in what feels like forever and I don’t even know how to feel about this. All I can say is I’m really detached from the world, it feels like body isn’t even a solid mass, I’m just a floating mass or something. It especially unnerves me at night when I keep losing sensation in my limbs and worry that I’ll momentarily become paralysed if I don’t shake myself out of it. Sometimes the detachment gets so bad I can’t even stand up without feeling blood rushing to my head and nearly toppling over.
It’s almost like I’m intoxicated but without using anything. Sometimes I can’t even tell how I’m feeling. It’s hazy.
Earlier this year I had an identity crisis and decided to cut ties with everyone I know (friend-wise, I’m still living with my mum). Then I decided to go off my medication because there was no way I was going to have a good life, so I might as well not bother. Then I regained my terrible Internet addiction which has successfully given me the jitters once I’m offline. I really decided to sabotage my entire life.
I can’t tell how many suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind since then. I don’t even know if it’ll phase me if I tried to kill myself. I just feel so disconnected, so it wouldn’t. I don’t think I’ll bother doing this though. Because I’m not me right now, and I wouldn’t get the chance to do this myself. I’d like the right to my own decisions. Be in my head first.
I should be back on my meds, but the thing is I don’t know how it would be because I haven’t taken them for so long. I used to be on Sertraline for 2 years. Then I kept taking it and not taking it. I have no will to do anything, and even if I do it’s easy to brush it off. Like sleeping at night or eating something. Sometimes I barely even drink.
I find it f*cking terrifying when I randomly feel like I’m losing the plot or on the verge of a mental breakdown. I hate it, because I feel like I’m only slightly attached to myself. I haven’t felt like this in 4 years. I might have been hallucinating earlier too.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this. Maybe I just have this need for someone to read what I have to say, because it’s not as though I can talk to anyone off the Internet about this without someone getting worried over me… That sounds really immature.
3 comments
Hey, I’m also deciding whether to throw my life away. The scary thing is that it’ll happen if I do nothing. Nobody will find an apartment for me or force me to work and do hobbies.
Have you ever done full-body stretches regularly? That’s one of the things I miss most about the old happiness, and it really helped me develop a calm mind and an intimate awareness of how my body works. I’ll try to force myself back into it if you want to make a “yoga pact.”
Otherwise I’m still on the St. John’s Wort for 3 months max. It makes me want to kill myself about 50% less, and I no longer go around in a walking catatonia, overwhelmed by this crescendo of static, depersonalized and confused, the anchor point of my consciousness being the logical conclusion of my misery.
You’re not alone.
OMG. Reading your story…it’s mine. Seriously close anyhow. I went off meds, I was having bad reactions, and I know what you are feeling. I’m so detached. I also did some stupid stuff during going off meds, dealing with repercussions and not knowing how to get out of my head for that. For what it’s worth…I know almost exactly what you are feeling…like you are on drugs but know you aren’t….and it is messing with me too….I live with my mom and son….the suicidal thoughts became unbearable for a while……ended up calling the hotline…..still dealing with so much….in any case, for the first time in ever….I see I’m not alone and neither are you…. in our similar stories….though I haven’t shared the brunt of mine yet……still processing how much I totally screwed up.
Sorry for the late reply. I haven’t ever had anyone relate to a situation of mine so close before, so that is definitely something. I’m glad I managed to reach out to you in some way, by making you feel less alone. Sometimes it’s just hard to find someone who knows what you are experiencing. We can claim to understand, although we don’t. Yes, it is like being on drugs. I keep on joking to myself that I don’t even need to get high to get high, lol. It still scares me to death.
I keep doing this to myself, like it is some addiction to stay off my meds in order to feel jacked up. The more detached and confused I feel, the freer I can be, even if it’s only my head having chemical changes due to withdrawal. Another thing that compels me is that it’s dangerous to remove yourself from any medication cold-turkey, so it is like a thrill.
I am curious about listening to your version of this story. When did it all start for you. What caused you to take yourself off the meds. Do you find this like a coping mechanism too? I still live with my family. The only difference is, I probably won’t be lucky to have children of my own as I’m hitting 20 next year and so far no luck. I realise I am still young, but when you’re destined to be alone you will feel it right into your core. There is no denying. I am scared to die alone, despite suicidal.