I know that if I tried my friends would freak out on me or hate me as would my family. So instead I’m here. My life should be great. I’ve got money, people who care about me, and pretty much anything I want. And yet I’m still here and I still hate myself to death and want to die. And I fucking don’t know why. I don’t care that dyslexia and depression and anxiety run in my family because I never asked for any of it. And yet here I am still typing on this website wondering if there are other people out there like me even if I will never meet them in real life. All my life I’ve been invisible. I have the type of features you’d think would stand out, like blond hair and blue eyes and pale skin. I’m not social, but for some reason people seem to be drawn to me. Well, either that or they don’t know I exist. I was in a class with a kid I knew and he didn’t realize is until finals week. I don’t talk much, and my voice is pretty quiet, and I’m a horrible selfish person. I try to think about others and put myself above them no matter what, even if it means hurting myself. I think I’ve literally destroyed my natural instincts because of it in a way. I forced myself to stop feeling emotions so now I still don’t really have them. Which isn’t great. I’ve made some of my friends lives horrible for them. They won’t admit it, but it’s true. And I don’t know which is true. Am I too weak to finish it, or too strong not to.
5 comments
Nono definitely not alone hi
Alone in real life though. Even if not here.
I was diagnosed with adhd and schizophrenia a year back. I was a great student but the indian education system has zero respect for anyone who actually cares about learning so i had to repeat a year and for the past six months i have been getting bullied in college for volunteering to repeat even though I did get the pass marks. My dad is a druggie who pops valium like it’s candy and does IVs and painkillers. My mom and I were almost homeless because he took out a 35lakh loan against our house to fund his drug habit. My sister is the only human i have ever loved and she got kicked out of the house so we live apart. My hallucinations just keep increasing. i cant do anything at all. My doctor is cool but my therapist treats me like shit or maybe all of them are just as tired of me as i am of myself. I hate humans I have no friends. No matter how hard I try nobody seems to be interested in listening to my sob stories that never seem to end (i would have done the same) i dont feel anything for anyone anymore. I don’t know why i am writing all this here like no clue I discovered this site 10 mins back while I was trying to google how to tie the perfect noose. I am sick of clickbait articles that just take me to pages with endless suicide helplines like THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS UFF. My dad sexually abused me twice and when my sister and i wenr to the cops we were turned down TWICE because the superintendent officer is a friend of my dad how lovely. I really want to either kill my dad (gone girl style ) or kill myself. I really love animals and economics but I can’t do anything remotely related to any of them because of the screwed up system and my personal life. If i could exchange my brain with any subordinate homosapien i would do it in an heartbeat. I feel so angry at how unfair life seems to be. I cant even talk about all this with my sister because instantly the topic becomes “HOW COULD I DO THAT TO HER” i feel that is the most selfish argument you could give to a person who wants to die. I have tried twice will try again in a month maybe idk man whatever
Also I just realised I said nothing substantial as a “reply” as such and all i did was rant under your post and I’m sorry okay.
Sorry I replied to this so long after. I’ve always thought it’s better to rant and get everything out even to a random stranger on the internet than hold everything in inside and wait for it to explode later. I have a friend who, nothing to the extent you have, but his dad is a horrible human being and all he can do is tell him how useless he is and now he doesn’t think he’s going to college because his dad will complain about money issues and like his dad would be so much happier if he just disappeared. He claims he isn’t suicidal, but I’m not sure. And I understand that I was diagnosed with adhd about a year ago now too and with anxiety. But my grandma is an alcoholic due to the anxiety and so that seriously freaked me out.