im new here, but only in posting. i have viewed this site more times than i can count when i have been feeling particularly badly, and today is just the day that i broke enough to make an account myself.
i am away from home at school this month, and i feel like im drowning. i was excited to come here because its a prestigious art school and it would give me an opportunity to learn over the summer and get college credits, and – i hoped – get away from the way i feel in my hometown. unfortunately, nothing has changed. i am still disliked and subtly mocked by my peers, and i resort to pathetic tactics like hiding in bathrooms to avoid them and wearing my earbuds all day.
i am so worthless and disgusting that i am alone. i used to have two very close friends who i talked to every day and could count on to want to see me and hang out with me, and then i decided to self-isolate and push them away as i fell deeper into a pit of self loathing. it was perhaps one of the most painful methods of self harm i have ever experienced, and those bridges are thoroughly burned. i have a few people who text me occasionally if i text them first, but no one that would pick me first or actually knows how i feel.
i am incompetent in my classes, hard as i try. my art is subpar at best and embarrassing at worst, and im beginning to feel that i will never make it in this field despite what others say. i am a failure here, just like at home, in terms of both art and my ability to socialize. i want to hurt myself or cry for hours but i have no time, and i have a roommate so i cant even cry at all just to let it out. i am so deeply unhappy. i dont know what to do anymore.
1 comment
people will attack/mock the weaker ones to feel better about themselves. they probably do that with you because you seem shy. the key to overcome that is confidence. even if it’s fake confidence. you have to pretend. everyone pretends to be confident. and that’s the only way you’ll get out of this.
if you don’t change that those things will follow you no matter where you go.
have you been in that school for a long time? the first impression is the one that will stay forever. well not forever but it’s gonna be hard to wipe that impression you gave.
maybe you should go to a less prestigious school. that might be the reason why you don’t have good grades, I was in a “prestigious” school for 2 years then I continued my studies in a “normal” school and never had less than 15/20 without doing anything. the difference is huge.