My marriage is in shambles and for the past several months I have thought about committing suicide. I have never felt more worthless, unloved and unwanted, rejected, alone, empty nor filled with such despair. The idea of not being able to witness my two year old son live a long and prosperous life has been the only thing keeping me anchored to this world.
This past weekend though, I realized that both he and my wife are thriving without me there and I truly believe that they will be better off if I were gone. So, I spent that entire day drafting a suicide note for him to read when he gets older — my heart breaking all the while. The next day I reached out to the Veterans Crisis Line and after a short conversation felt no better about my situation nor any desire to reach out to the Suicide Prevention Coordinator located near me.
I barely go to the hospital for physical ailments, let alone something that I am emotionally and mentally struggling with. I grew up in a culture where mental health isn’t something that’s really discussed. I was employed for nine years in an environment surrounded by the stigma of suicide and mental health. I want to know, has showcasing the viscera that is you to a professional actually helped? Do you feel better? Have they given you the tools to deal with wanting to just disappear forever?
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As a fellow veteran I am here for you.
Thank you, insert heart emoji. Have you sought any help through the VA?
I’ve been through the ringer with the VA. I have sought help. Have you?
I haven’t. I wanted to know if it was even worth the bother. Most days I don’t even want to leave my room, let alone catch the bus to cry my heart out to some random randy that has probably heard some variation of this shit show before.
It is worth it. There are some good people in the VA. Are you service connected?
I am not.
I would still at least give them a shot.