Discloser: My posts are usually super personal, but this one is the most probably. I wrote this in a depression episode and I am not proud of it, but it’s what I feel on a daily basis. I was going to delete some things, but I would be lying to myself and anyone who reads this. So, I won’t. Sorry if it disturbs you or triggers you.
Everyday I wake up, I look in the mirror, and I am reminded I have to look at this face for the rest of my life.
I am the ugliest person I have ever met, inside and out. You want a list?
- I was too skinny and to fix that I gained weight, but now my body is… oh, god, so hideous.
- I have no eyebrows, they’re blonde and small, but my hair is brown so I look fucking stupid.
- My nose is fucking massive and I wish I could rip it off everyday.
- My lips are such a weird shape, no plastic surgery could ever fix them.
- My skin is too sensitive and is prone to blackheads. (I’m sure you can picture my nose right now)
- My boobs….what boobs?
- My hips are too far up, making everything below look square.
- My butt, well it’s the only decent thing about me, and it still manages to look unfit.
- My thighs have gained so much weight they jiggle too much, and are starting to look like cottage cheese.
- (personal) My vagina doesn’t look…pretty. It’s large and kinda long, i don’t know.
I just wish I could feel pretty, even for a day. I don’t have many “feminine” qualities and it makes me feel… so fucking horrible. I don’t even have the words to explain the pain.
I don’t know how anyone could ever love me, or look at me.
I wish I was someone else, I tell myself that everyday.
I beg to wake up in someone else’s body every night.
I’ve never actually told anyone that list before, please don’t think I’m disgusting.
I’m so sorry for being me. I really am.
I wish I wasn’t.
11 comments
Don´t be so hard on yourself. Im sure its not all that bad. Looks arent even that important + everyone prefers different looking people. I dont rly wanna sound like too much of a smartass, i know its hard to get over insecurities regarding your looks (trust me i know, my little fella is like 10 cm long 😀 )
Also btw I remember your older post where you said you have trouble with nightmares, if it is still the case. I had a lot of nightmares when i was a kid to the point where i got insomnia just because i was so afraid to fall asleep. Since I smoke weed daily my nigtmares have completely dissappeared (along with normal dreams) coz weed supresses your REM sleeping phase. I dont wanna suggest you to do drugs or anythin but it just worked for me so…
I used to smoke a lot actually, but I had surgery last year that caused a panic attack (because I was awake for it) and ever since then every time I smoke id have physical pains all over and panic attacks.
By the way, it means a lot you even remembered one of posts. Honestly, sometimes I don’t think people on this site really want to deal with some posts. Like, if they’re too sad, but all of mine are sad except for like one, I think. Buuut yea, thank you!
I read through your list carefully. I see married women out walking with their children or dog who come and go from their beautiful homes in my neighborhood almost every day when I am taking my walks. The married women I see have body “flaws” every bit as strong as yours. You and I would swear that beauty is so important and “ugly” is so horrible but I swear, these women are “ugly”, even fugly by any definition of beauty but evidently their husbands either don’t care about the “ugly”, or think their women are beautiful, i don’t know which it is.
Small boobs, flabby thighs, everything you can name is “wrong” with them and they are married. I kid you not.
Take heart my friend.
Don’t listen to Asswipe^
It sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself. I’m a woman too, and I’m like that. I think it’s the lack of happiness in our life. Maybe it’s the depression taking itself out on you. I assure you you’re not as bad as you say you are. I used to feel like that, then I worked on it.
Our value, our worth, cannot possibly be measured by our looks. Our value is great beyond our comprehension and looks are a different matter all together. We are beautiful to some one, even if not to ourselves.
Honestly it’s alright I understand what he was trying to say, but I am usually hard on myself. It’s just such a bad habit. I know its due to my depression, but I cant control it. Also, I can never tell if it’s just me sometimes. You sound so strong and sure of yourself, I hope I can be like you one day.
Thank you for commenting. I’m trying to work on my self confidence, but even when I see other people who have the same issues as me, I’m not comforted – I’m sad. Because they can be so much better of a person than me, even with those flaws. They’re still better somehow.
Feeling that every one else is better than me, or feeling that I am the worst of human beings, I know both of those feelings. But really, I think that was shame and depression in me driving those feelings.
The ugly thing is just so subjective, literally, one person’s ugly is another person’s cute, or sweet, or any of several other nice things that can be said about some one else. I too used to feel I was ugly. Then as my esteem rose somewhat that feeling of being ugly that had haunted me for decades finally faded away.
Hiya there lost Kat. I often like to write songs on piano and violin. It’s my hobby. But usually the more I listen to my songs, the more I start to not like them. A bit repetitive here, cliche there, slow here…. sometimes I get to the point where I delete them completely. But that’s strange because when I first created the song, I thought it was absolutely flawless.
I think it’s the same with you. You look at yourself every day and, you start to notice every single small flaw about you. It gets to the point where there are so many small flaws that it just seems like a million things wrong with you.
When others look at you, they won’t see what you see. They haven’t taken the time to really see those small details. And in fact, I bet you they actually see details you don’t even see yourself. Like what a nice shade your eyes are, or how soft your skin is, or whatever. I’m sure there are so many positives they see that you don’t.
Like with my songs. Some people say “I love the defending harmony on measure 8”. And I listen to it and it’s like “wow, I never even really noticed that before.. and I wrote the damn thing! But it sounds quite cool now that I’m listning for it.”
Good luck lost Kat. And don’t be so hard on yourself okay?
YES! You 100% got it! It’s just been a routine for so long. Get up, look at myself, be disappointed. It seems so stupid too, because I can’t control how I look, I was born this way. Then, I look at other girls and I just think, “How are they so lucky? Do they even know how lucky they are?”. I hope others don’t see my flaws as I do, but I just wonder how they don’t.
Btw I bet your music is amazing. Feel free to send me something!
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment.