I feel so fucking empty. I wish i could be bothered to move. to do laundry. to shower. to clean. im just lying on my air mattress feeling this fucking pit in my chest. like a black hole sucking everything into it. I would cut, but I cant get myself to go to cvs to get razors. I would drink, but I cant get myself to the store to buy booze. I would buy drugs, but I don’t feel like talking to my guy. I’m just going to go to bed.
I really do wish I could die in my sleep, but not know I would beforehand. I wouldn’t have to stress about it, or anything, ever. But I’ll wake up and, get back on the grind. wearing the same clothes ive been wearing since monday. same underwear since…sunday? It’s wednesday. fuck
fuck this
and group therapy isnt really helping, ive just been writing depressing little missives in my journal. or sneaking off to go rest on the couch in the other room.
I dunno, I’m really pushing myself to say other things. But I think I just need to sleep.
See you all soon.
4 comments
I feel you. Its not always better in the morning, but it’s always worse at night. Some things never change.
I hate that… I don’t feel like that a lot, I don’t like any of those “guys”.. BLEK. I’ve started buying it from the shops though… it’s been a while, I don’t care though I can wait to light up again. I can drink whenever but it doesn’t effect me in any way that is good… I mostly hope I can get high one more time before I commit but I’m not on a set schedule, if I have a way to die I ain’t gonna be like nah, let me just wait 4 more months to die so I can smoke weed one last time. I’d like to drive one last time maybe visit the hills. But if something comes up, like I said I ain’t gonna put off committing so I can get high one last time although that is the only time I have ever been happy.
“What’s the point?” I don’t know
Sweet Dreams.