I never got therapy like my parents said I would. I’m starting to cut (it’s not deep and looks more like scratches but I’ve never cut before). At least I stopped “drinking” antifreeze (I found out it was actually coolant because I’m so fucking stupid I can’t even hurt myself when I want too). Whenever I feel like shit I keep making plans for my suicide. So far I’ve chosen a date and time, a method, a place, and, today, my last words. I don’t know when or if I should talk to people about the root causes cause they really can’t do shit to make things better since my parents have practically banned me from seeing the people I “trust” (I can’t tell people this either cause they’re not equipped to handle my bullshit). I tried to keep a journal but I can’t write in one when I’m under my sheets.
I thought I was starting do better but I think that this might be part of a lapse too. I used to look up ways to kill myself in class but now I already know what to do. I’m realizing that I spend so much more time in my head than with people but it’s not like I have can pretend to have that option.
I feel so much crushing loneliness. Earlier I broke my personal record for longest crying time (which is now about an hour and 30, guess I’m a noob lol). I really did want to reach out to someone but they have such busy lives and I don’t want to bother them. I can’t keep fucking doing this (I did eventually but they said they couldn’t and I don’t blame them for that, they were finally having their own good time which I’m happy for them). When I’m dead they’re not going to miss me cause such a fucking speck in their lives. I’m not noticeable now and won’t be noticeable when I’m goddamn dead. I see it when they talk to me. The ones that I “see myself close too” avoid me and/or I can detect a change in their tone as they switch from someone to me. That tone is some exahsted voice that says “shut up already you fucking twat I don’t give a damn about what you say”. The ones that don’t know as much would hate me if they knew more about me.
I hate this so much. I feel like I’m so over dramatic and I do this just to draw attention to myself and maybe that’s true but it’s all I have. Maybe I blame them too much cause they really are nice people and they’re not goddamn mindreaders for christsake. Maybe I should try to be more open with them but I don’t want to get in their way of life.
It hurts so much and I just can’t take it anymore.