Broken

  August 9th, 2018 by blackout21

I am just going to describe my situation, thoughts and feelings here in arbitrary order:
-I am addicted to dimethyl ether(gas in hair spray cans) and media including porn.
-I just now realize how much damage this has caused. I fail at almost everything I try. (85% of the last 7 bigger things I tried)
-I was diagnosed with 3 different mental health issues.(ADD, PTSD, paranoid schizophrenia(here in Europe the chances of being employed with this alone is only around 15%(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15133589))
-I think I have lost a good chunk of my intelligence.(I once had a high IQ(well seems like I only now know what I have lost))
-I am too uncreative and undisciplined for the direction I would be heading in.(not only did I see it that way before but the torrance test I recently did also confirmed this(professionals and not online))
-I am about to be expelled from university due to inactivity.(if I don’t manage to pass at least one exam this time)
-I have a miserable NC(actually 1 point less anywhere and I wouldn’t even have passed it xD) considering my secondary education.
-I have barely any friends who have almost no time because of other obligations.
-I have been severly traumatized and bullied through elementary and middle school(believe me when I say, I have seen almost everything.(even clichés and more unique stuff like someone trying to hack my PC) My reputation was so bad that 1 year after I left that school, someone at the new school said that he heard really bad hearsay about me(the one time I got lucky and it didn’t lead to disaster as it was ignored))
-I have stopped going outside(yes I still live with my parents… I guess the label “hikikomori” could be suitable) as I don’t think the world or anybody should have to deal with a failure and addict like me(I mean with what I take as a drug the psychiatrist even said I would probably be rejected in drug related self-help groups as no one seems to take what I do and there is no relevant experience considering it)
-Every single one of my “friends” is more successful than I am and I am jealous of that.(it grosses me out that I am)
-I hate myself.
-I am somewhat plagued by nightmares.
-I know I will never achieve anything in my life.
-I am not interested in a relationship with a women and the last professional picked on me because of that(not the only reason he picked on me though, what an a**h*le)
-I can’t even seem to end it all despite being convinced that I only deplete the natural resources of the planet unnecessarily and someone else might be better off with me dead.
-Ironically one of the things I failed at was creating a simulation for calculating a method to end myself
-My path will probably end poor on a street as a bum, killed by a family member, with dementia or plain old death via oxygen deprivation(well inhaling gas does tend to replace oxygen in the blood)

tl:dr My past was horrible and my future is hopeless
I wish I had a bottle of Vodka right now, I need it.

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