I am just going to describe my situation, thoughts and feelings here in arbitrary order:
-I am addicted to dimethyl ether(gas in hair spray cans) and media including porn.
-I just now realize how much damage this has caused. I fail at almost everything I try. (85% of the last 7 bigger things I tried)
-I was diagnosed with 3 different mental health issues.(ADD, PTSD, paranoid schizophrenia(here in Europe the chances of being employed with this alone is only around 15%(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15133589))
-I think I have lost a good chunk of my intelligence.(I once had a high IQ(well seems like I only now know what I have lost))
-I am too uncreative and undisciplined for the direction I would be heading in.(not only did I see it that way before but the torrance test I recently did also confirmed this(professionals and not online))
-I am about to be expelled from university due to inactivity.(if I don’t manage to pass at least one exam this time)
-I have a miserable NC(actually 1 point less anywhere and I wouldn’t even have passed it xD) considering my secondary education.
-I have barely any friends who have almost no time because of other obligations.
-I have been severly traumatized and bullied through elementary and middle school(believe me when I say, I have seen almost everything.(even clichés and more unique stuff like someone trying to hack my PC) My reputation was so bad that 1 year after I left that school, someone at the new school said that he heard really bad hearsay about me(the one time I got lucky and it didn’t lead to disaster as it was ignored))
-I have stopped going outside(yes I still live with my parents… I guess the label “hikikomori” could be suitable) as I don’t think the world or anybody should have to deal with a failure and addict like me(I mean with what I take as a drug the psychiatrist even said I would probably be rejected in drug related self-help groups as no one seems to take what I do and there is no relevant experience considering it)
-Every single one of my “friends” is more successful than I am and I am jealous of that.(it grosses me out that I am)
-I hate myself.
-I am somewhat plagued by nightmares.
-I know I will never achieve anything in my life.
-I am not interested in a relationship with a women and the last professional picked on me because of that(not the only reason he picked on me though, what an a**h*le)
-I can’t even seem to end it all despite being convinced that I only deplete the natural resources of the planet unnecessarily and someone else might be better off with me dead.
-Ironically one of the things I failed at was creating a simulation for calculating a method to end myself
-My path will probably end poor on a street as a bum, killed by a family member, with dementia or plain old death via oxygen deprivation(well inhaling gas does tend to replace oxygen in the blood)
tl:dr My past was horrible and my future is hopeless
I wish I had a bottle of Vodka right now, I need it.
2 comments
Do you have family? can you crash with them for a while? get a shit job and just work for a couple years and rebuild your health.
you cant do anything if your huffing gas.
ive been there with other substances. can you stay off the gas long enough to make some friends and crash with them and work a shit job to support yourself while you cool off for a while?
The maximum time I was able to stay abstinent was a year.
And, as I wrote, I still live with my family. So finances are not a problem yet.
But I am kind of being pressured to study(I also cannot take many more official outtimes from university). And at this rate I won’t be able to manage that. I might as well have to completely bail from my social circle as there is to much friction/peer pressure happening on my end.