Fuck Feelings

a while ago I moved schools. completely new environment with completely different people. I met this guy and we ended up being the greatest friends. and like every other fucking cliche love story, i caught feelings. but the only bad thing was, I was afraid of them. I didn’t want to commit to something because I was afraid of heartbreak. I was scared they would get bored of me. but one day they said they liked me too, but being the idiot I am, I said “I’m sorry, I like you as a friend”. Worst. mistake. ever. made. he was perfect and literally the most genuine guy I knew. I guess you could say im afraid of love, and im afraid of commitments. I couldn’t handle that so I stopped everything with him. a few weeks later were talking again and were good friends. things were good. now he has a girlfriend. not me. someone else. when I found out, I didn’t know how to react. should I be happy that he found someone? should I be sad that it wasn’t me? should I be mad? I didn’t know how to feel. so I just said “oh, im happy for you”. Fucking what the fuck Hannah. the whole day I couldn’t handle seeing them hug, and kiss and all that relationship lovey dovey shit. but he was my only good friend, so I stayed and pretended everything was fine. Im scared he’s gonna leave me because he found someone else and im scared that if I don’t say anything then im gonna be hurting for a long time yet. everyone at school has someone. wether its a friend, best friend, boyfriend or girlfriend. everyone has someone. I’ve got no one… and there is now worse feeling than knowing you could be alone forever and never find the right person or even finding that person, and letting them go. I don’t think I can keep living like this in all honesty. its not good for me, feeling lonely and depressed. I mean that may seem like a really dumb and stupid reason to feel sad to most people, so don’t hate.