Shoot my self in the foot

  August 17th, 2018 by fakehappy

Despite how much effort I put in, it feels like everything ends the same. This time I calmed any kind of ego to accept help but the depression was crushing me, I felt like somehow I had given just another person a permit to cross my personal boundaries. So I tried to communicate that I felt it was affecting my sense of self and recovery but honestly… nothing puts controlling people’s backs up like drawing lines. No one is perfect, I get it. Just I can’t do this on my own. But now I have to.

As a result there’s a lot of time to myself feeling like I’m hugging a plank of wood in the middle of an unpredictable and freezing sea. I used to try with people, try to make them happy so they would not abandon me but… I can’t fight that fight anymore.

And then I remember what left me so far adrift. Trauma mainly and I was broken and trying to mend before but stupidly, I let someone in at such a fragile time. Thinking it would make me stronger. Having so much time entangled in relationships I thought I would’ve understood how it is often an unsuccessful and sometimes draining endeavour. Love feels like a drug to me, and when I’m off it withdrawal ensues.

Except this time, it’s been months and I’ve gradually had to watch my work at recovery be undone. In a huge way, I’ve had to shut the world out. It overwhelms me, at night I have haunting dreams. In the day there’s just silence. The silence is sometimes welcome however, but I just pace, dissociate and cry from the depression and prison of anxiety.

I told myself love is just an illusion, that friends and family make mistakes too. As do I. But I just can’t shake wanting it all to end. The only thing I hope is stupid shit like that my ex will one day tell me he was wrong to treat me the way he did, instead of taking the option to leave. It’s such a delusion. Even to just ask for that… I must have loved him… I remember exactly what to not expect.  The saddest thing is I bet that I’ve been almost forgotten.

Maybe that’s what is deserved… I ruin all things, for myself and apparently for others. Life is just cycles on cycles and how much can you deal with before the emptiness catches up? I’ve only mentioned a couple of things but shooting myself in the foot trying to make the right decision is my signature move throughout life. That or I have to deal with damaging situations in silence. No in-between. And I’ve lived too long to just be silent, but it’s not building a passion for life. Everyone says we can’t give up because there’s no other way but I think most of us on here know otherwise.

 

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