Lately, I’ve been feeling emotionally exhausted and stressed for weeks on end. I feel like I’m constantly treading water. Like I’m in an ocean, being pulled under by the waves. Gasping for air every time I can lift my head out of the water. Once in a while, I’ll choke on the sea as it fills my esophagus with salt water. The pain nearly unbearable.
The worst part isn’t the choking feeling in my lungs, or how sore and broken my limbs are from fighting to keep from drowning. The worst part is the parasitic thought that cements itself in my head. That maybe I’d be better off allowing myself to be pulled under.
So, I wrote myself a list. On one side were the reasons why I should give up on it all, and on the other were the reasons I should keep going. To be honest, I kinda expected to have that “movie moment”, where the reasons to keep going outnumber the reasons to give up, and I realize that yes, life is worth living. But no. It didn’t even come close. I actually laughed a bit. This is the real world. The harsh, merciless reality we live in.
So, I’ll give myself maybe a few more years, to maybe get my affairs in order and build up the courage. Then I’m gone.
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4 comments
I like your username, LiquidHuman. I can picture a glass person with blue water splashing inside.
There was this hand-drawn animated short film I saw, whose name I can’t quite recall, something like Pirate Life, in which a person dissolves over and over into the ocean. It was similar to the way you were feeling. You can check it out on youtube.
I think its very realistic of you to wait a few years, that’s what it usually takes anyway. Besides, who know you might find a new lease at life in the meantime.
Wow, can I relate to this.
Only I am coming up to the end of giving myself a few more years to see if things improve… They haven’t.
It’s been made painfully clear to me that my life is not worth living.
I sincerely hope that things get better for you and if they don’t, I hope you find peace if you are forced to end things like I will be doing soon.
Hi lifelong. Please give an update on the job situation. Have you talked to someone? I hope you are ok. your life IS worth living.
Interesting, I sometimes think about this same “getting the head out of the water” analogy… Maybe because I live close to the sea. Maybe you do as well ?