i was about to write about my potential suicide and back story but after about three sentences i got disturbed. i already collected the photos and notes i wanted to take with me but after a lot of conversation I lost my “mood” and now i don’t know what to do with my self. i was in a way exited to be relived of my pain.
I’ve been considering suicide for a long time now. at least once a week id think about it and its pros v.s. cons and sometimes every day and night for many weeks at a time and here is my summary:
pros:
you’ll be out of your misery
cons:
you’ll never have the chance to feel better
you will hurt the people that care about you
i do not want to die. i want to feel happy and be with people around me that make me happy and be able to make people around me happy. i don’t know what to do with myself now and i feel so blank. now i’m just waiting for my next mental breakdown. hopefully it will be my last. but thanks to that person, I get to live another day.
6 comments
I know what you mean about loosing the “mood”. I finally had it all worked up perfectly one night, after months and months of mental prep and someone disturbed it. Never before did I have it so perfectly felt, believed, rationalized, and had every part of me on board with departure and then she was able to find me and speak with me and ruined the mood. I still don’t thank her but others do. She not only ruined the mood that night but I have never been able to get it back to anything anywhere near what I did before. I am so trapped in life now because of her I am actually in therapy trying to make life work me.
the way you described the “mood” is exactly what I felt like. a lot of things went through my mind as if my consciousness was trying to prevent me from my faith but my determination was overwhelming. I didn’t want to stop I didn’t want to change my mind. I understand that you don’t thank her. I don’t see myself forgiving my “her” anytime soon. I don’t believe my mood will be back any time soon but I don’t know if its a good thing or a bad thing. maybe one day our sufferings will be worth living through, but what I know.
My suffering has begun to moderate through therapy. As it moderates I am putting more effort into acting on my values. If the suffering moderates enough and I see enough good come of my actions, then maybe the suffering will have been worth living through.
I think about it everyday, but unlike you I haven’t actually had that push yet- I know one day it’ll come but just not yet. Maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t do it, welcome to another day of living.
yesterday morning I did not think i would ever go through this. i thought it would just always be the same but the push came just so unexpectedly. you might be right. maybe its a good thing. after all I don’t really wanna die. Its just that don’t want to live. but maybe that will change. thank you.
today is weird. i don’t feel like i should be here. I regret not going trough with my plan and I wish I hadn’t been disturbed. I can’t really describe what it feels like but I feel as if I was never meant to live this day. I cant stop thinking about the past. the weather reminds me of good times but unlike before, it doesn’t make me sad. in fact, it doesn’t make me feel anything at all. nothing makes me feel today. I don’t know what to do.