I’ve been here about 2 years on & off, and I’ve made an observation. People who have been here for a long time generally don’t follow through with suicide. Whether it’s because they learn to cope, or whether it’s because they never really intended to go through with it, I don’t know.
I’m curious about this because I guess you could say I’m now a long termer, and yet my desire to die now is stronger than it has ever been. All week I’ve been scouting locations. Lots of very high bridges around here.
What I’m trying to figure out, through trends of other suicidal people similar to me, is what are my chances of going through with it? Statistically I’d say low, because like I said, it seems like the longer you stay on this site the less likely you are to go through with it. I’ve researched old posts and seen that the verified suicides were almost always people who only made a few short posts over the course of a few weeks, then did it. My hunch is that the more you talk about suicide, the less likely you are to do it.
Of course statistics & hunches are just that. But trends are often good predictors. So back to my original question: have any long term members ever gone through with it (verifiable)?
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I started to post here in September 2015. I’ve seen lots of people come and go and I think most of them didn’t commit suicide. When I started to post although not very suicidal like in the past, I still had serious problems including severe social anxiety.
Anyway, lots of good things happened to me in those years and my condition definitely improved.
Today, I would not even consider suicide for a moment although I do realise that we all have our suicidal selves. The very fact that I still post here may prove this fact. However, I’ve learned to accept my suicidal self although never to follow it.
In fact we have many selves. I really hope you don’t commit suicide because I have hope in you.
What you feel these days is only an aspect of yourself. What we become after death is another self of ourselves if that makes sens for you. Some become a hellish self even in this life.
Thanks, hope432. I think I remember you from when I first joined and you always had positive things to say.
Not counting this past month, I would wholeheartedly agreed with what you said. Over time for me, things improved. Not necessarily my situation but my ability to adapt to my situation. My guess is that most people come to this site very suicidal but over time they learn to tone it down and cope. That’s why I would be surprised if a long term member went through with it.
That said, I’ve seen a few people come back after a long absence and seem like they’re hell bent on doing it. Like you said, we all have our suicidal selves.
I do believe in a sort of afterlife, nothing like pearly gates and harps but more like a continuation of a wandering consciousness in search of a new body. That’s one of the main things keeping me here.. I’m satisfied with the body I’m in right now; that’s not the problem. The problem is my consciousness itself which will follow me wherever I go. So until I fix that, death will just be the annoyance of finding a new home while suffering with the same mind.
Then on bad days like today, I either think that’s bs, and death = total erasure. Or maybe there’s something much better waiting. I guess we won’t know until we die, and that frustration of not knowing is sometimes enough to push me toward the edge.
One person I knew from this site killed herself about five years ago. We emailed each other for about six months before she purchased a gun and shot herself. She posted here for a year or two and then stopped in the months leading up to her suicide. A friend of hers, who lived in the same country, verified that she died.
Could you post her username so I could read her posts? I’m looking for common warning signs that define the people who have gone through with it. So far the only common sign I’ve found, aside from not staying on the site very long, is that they almost never talk about themselves in detail. And, ironically, they are extremely supportive and positive with others.
She posted under the name “Melissa Suicidal” in 2013-14. I don’t want to post her life story here, but she seemed to be a fairly normal person until a life-changing event sent her plunging into an unrecoverable pit of depression.
I,m a long time member, on and off, I come here when I’m fighting for my life usually..I dont want attention, i just want to put words on paper that probably the only people who can understand will read. I’m close right now to be honest, and fighting with every ounce to look for reasons to keep going in this hell. I wonder if im fighting to stay because im a coward, or becaiuse it terrifies me how my family will react. but holy shit im sick of pain and just existing. in some ways i died a long time ago anyway. So..sorry..cant anser your question bout why long terms stay, maybe yo see good days and it gives you hope, in some ways you get used to pain. When you think this is the worst pain i can deal with you have worse days and think hell yesterday wasnt so bad…dont know everyones circumstances. mybiggest block is fighting not to do someting impulsive. where people can find me, i have plans about vanishing and no one is impacted by me. I have to stick to that
That describes me so well. Like you, I just come here on really bad days when I have to get it out. Not looking for attention, in fact half the time I delete my posts within a week. Like you said, “in some ways you get used to pain” and the biggest problem is “fighting not to do something impulsive”.
The truth is, if you’ve survived this long with suicidal feelings, you have probably developed ways of dealing with it (unlike people who experience a tragedy for the first time and impulsively kill themselves). I guess the long-term suicidal person’s decline is a slow journey of exhaustion until something tips them over. Or you never know, maybe nothing will ever tip them over, and it just feels like you’re on the edge from years of habit.
One way or the other, you said something that I’ve noticed is another common theme amongst long termers, whether they go through with it or not, they seem to slip away quietly. No big dramatic announcements or tearful goodbyes. They just sort of vanish.