sad boi

i was in love with my girlfriend 4 years before we started dating. i thought she didn’t give a shit about me that entire time. then she asked me to prom senior year and i finally thought she might like me. then she made out with another guy. i was so sad, my high school made me get an evaluation by a psychiatrist to make sure i wasn’t suicidal. i was but i passed, not to brag but i did theater in high school.

then she invited me to a party and i thought she liked me again. then she made out with a girl at the party and i got intensely suicidal again.

then at the end of the summer, the day before class started, i tried to kill myself. i texted her before i attempted and told her to block me because i wasn’t gonna be answering anymore. i never told her anything about my depression or what i was planning to do. she had just started at college and i was in my senior year of high school. i waited until she had a group of good friends so she wouldn’t be alone. i didn’t want her to have to deal with me dying or feel bad, so i thought i’d try to make it harder for her to find out and also make her mad it me so she wouldn’t feel bad if she did find out.

i got sent to inpatient where my only discharge instructions were to not talk to her. i didn’t. not because the instructions but because i thought she was doing way better without me. i drove by her house on the ride to and from school everyday, and everyday i cried when i passed her house.

she texted me about 4 months later. for the first 2-3 days i didn’t answer because i knew answering meant she’d have to deal with me in her life. the last day i answered and found out she tried to kill herself, was going into inpatient, and that since we knew eachother she loved me too. my world was shattered and a weird wave of overwhelming joy and guilt came over me. i felt responsible, and for good reason. because i was. because i was so fucking accustomed to assuming no one would ever love me, i never picked up on any signals. i thought she only talked to me because she felt bad for me. if i would’ve told her how i felt it never would’ve happened. i still feel guilty for almost killing her and don’t feel like i deserve the relationship.

we’ve been dating since then, and it was going great up until about a month ago. she doesn’t show me affection much and doesn’t communicate. like even basic things, she won’t talk to me about. it puts a lot of excessive stress on my already crumbling brain. then i found out this was because when i tried to kill myself she felt like i left her.

im very confused because this is the first time i’ve had someone be angry at me for trying to kill myself. everyone else was supportive and happy i was alive, but this makes me feel fucking horrible, guilty, and wishing i was dead. i told her it wasn’t a personal attack against her. she said she knew, but she’s undeniably still angry at me for it. i don’t like feeling bad about my suicide attempt. how was i supposed to know she liked me. what the FREAK kinda messages are you trying to send making out with another guy at the prom you invited me to. or kissing someone on a couch 5 feet from me.

she also started doing a lot of drugs to cope and was still struggling with them while we were dating. she doesn’t communicate so i had no idea. i told her how upsetting that was to me since my uncle recently died from addiction and he never talked about it. i remember finding out and knowing if i had known i could’ve helped. she got very very mad and didn’t talk to me for 3 days. i sent her a lot of texts saying i love you and got nothing back but a text canceling plans for a concert i really wanted to see. she went out to a party the second night. i’ve never felt worse in my entire life. she didn’t give me an explanation why she wasnt talking to me so i just had to overthink for 3 fucking days about what i could’ve said. i was sure she was gonna break up with me. she asked me to come over and i was ready to leave there a newly single man and walk to the nearest ER to get myself into a psych ward. but she just acted like nothing fucking happened. i had to poke extensively to find out she felt insulted because she saw me the cause of her drug use and i was lecturing her to not do drugs. i had no fucking idea! none!! how was i supposed to know this!!!! why did she think 3 days with no communication would make me feel horrible!!!!!!! then she said she’d do it again if she got upset instead of just talking to me about it. she got mad again and made me feel horrible for being sad. i genuinely don’t think she cares about my feelings. if i was dating a short, ugly, boring, annoying, freak that almost killed her; i would probably have a hard time caring too.

so i told her if talking about my problems is gonna make her upset then i won’t. i don’t want to be the cause of her crying anymore so i’m not gonna talk about my problems. she told me thats no way to deal with my problems but it’s what she does so it’s gotta be. i went all that time before without talking about them, i can handle it now. every time i bring up any issues i have, it makes her so sad she cries. i cant handle seeing that. then she gets angry at me for feeling sad because of something she did, i can’t handle feeling bad about my emotions anymore. and she tells me to stop bringing up the past, but we’ve never worked through our past problems. they’re still very present. she’s still mad at me for “leaving her” and i’m still insecure she’ll leave me for someone better because it’s happened 2 times before.

she tells me to just “stop thinking about it” the girl she made out with goes to our school and i genuinely want to collapse and never move ever again when i see her. when i brought this up to her i found out they talked and hung out a lot and that made me so overly anxious. i was obviously having a crisis, as i told her, and instead of support she just made me feel bad about being sad and told me to “stop thinking about it”. i told i didn’t want them to stop being friends, but she didn’t listen to how i felt and just said i was overreacting. she also had a romantic thing with this guy that she said she hasn’t talked to in months. i saw they talked to eachother in the comments of her instagram 2 weeks before. we never resolve any issues because she’d rather not talk about them.

i have to just guess how she’s feeling constantly and then she makes me feel bad for not reading her mind correctly. she even told me yesterday she lies regularly to avoid conflict.

my question is; am i justified in feeling bad or is it my fault and i’m just being weird. does she actually not care about my feelings or am i just being overly sensitive. should i feel bad about her not talking to me for 3 days or should i realize it’s my fault. am i wrong in having some trust issues since she lies so much & doesn’t tell me things to protect my feelings, or should i get over it. is she really making me feel bad for my feelings or am i taking it too personally.