I’ve always abhorred the place I live.. I used to really desire to build a home in the woods to live Walden style or something “Off-The-Grid” solitary, alone, quiet, and in peace.
I held that desire for many years, now I am slowly coming to terms it just will never happen for me and now life is too f*cked up to even be able to benefit from wish-fulfillment.

How I feel about dying? I feel ready..secure..certain..sure… I think I better kick the bucket here sooner than later. The only thing I’d want to do beforehand is maybe read a few books but I can’t stop feeling bothered. Nightmare after nightmare, I used to read about 2 novels a month now I haven’t read since the nightmares began…. Autumn 2017…. Feels like I am being followed…. after reading a novel, any enlightenment of mind is usually stripped from my mind by these nightmares so seems of no use to do much reading beforehand.

The only reason I haven’t committed suicide yet is I have incredibly steady ideals that I can die by my preferred method of gunshot to the head. I mean, death is death, no matter the cause, but it is the death I always imagined/hoped for.. but although bloody and gross. it is peaceful, painless and instantaneous. I long for death and hope to achieve any which way, but gunshot is what I hold out for.

Any advice? I have admittance into Psychiatric Ward (against my own will due to strangers who couldn’t mind their own) and Diagnosis by unrespectable Psychiatrists. I wish to die by gunshot.. I always imagine that I can purchase – just purchase – a gun from a rifle seller or even just Pawn 1, any available Retail Outlet Store. And then be off to behead myself somewhere UNBOTHERED. Eh? It is my dream I wish to come true since a young girl, to leave this body/world.

I see nothing left to do alive other than get high and read, but now my brains enlightenment has been robbed and I can’t get high or I get attacked by police-men. Ew.