there’s too many projects and schoolwork and i want to and will try to kill myself. i’m going to jump off the highest floor of my house or maybe hang myself. yeah. sounds great. i keep getting colds due to all these fucking schoolwork anyway. might as well just literally die.
turns out there was a fucking project due this week and i never knew. i. never. knew. we have this rule (that teachers dont give a fuck about) that we should only have two major requirements due on a day, but the things teachers give are minor requirements that take half a day or something and because of that, we cant really protest. anyway what i said was just the tip of the iceberg and probably not important because the teachers are too stressed to spread out the requirements and coordinate with one another.
i remember during my school’s foundation day i borrowed my friend’s scissors and cut myself because some teacher told me not to be too touchy with my boyfriend. i cant really protest against that because i was hugging him, holding his hand, and resting my head on his shoulder. i wasnt dry humping him or giving him a lap dance in public or making out with him, but i cant protest because students love that teacher even though that teacher is strict as fuck. maybe he teaches well but i dont give a fuck anymore.
what a fucking weakling, getting triggered by menial things. maybe that teacher hates me.
anyway, in a few hours, i’ll be gone so if my family/friends find my suicideproject account here are some few notes:
to my friends in that twitter account:
thank you for listening to my stupid stories and for being there for me.
to my brother:
thank you for tolerating your piece of shit sister. i love you and please dont go to my school for high school.
to sir *****:
thank you for making me go get help. got a few things off my bucketlist, couldnt have done it without your help. wouldnt have been together with the greatest love of my life if it werent for you because id probably be dead earlier. hope you get the gifts you want this christmas because i wont be alive by then.
to my boyfriend:
thank you for being there for me and for loving me. im really sorry i cant promise you not to kill myself because i cant. do it. im fucking sorry. im so fucking sorry. please dont kill yourself too. i love you sooooo sooo much. please take care of my family too. im sorry about all our fights. i love you.
to my dad:
thank you for tolerating and loving the worst daughter ever. im really sorry for what ive done before, so i hope youve forgiven me by now, i love you.
to my mom:
thank you so much for loving me, even if im a piece of shit daughter. im really sorry for all the inconveniences and all the fights weve had. i hope you can find someone else to enjoy the hobbies we do and plans weve made. i love you.
to anyone coming to my funeral:
tell my dead body what happens at the end of deltarune and last window: secret of cape west. tell me about all the books i own but never read. tell me about what’s going to happen to all the dances i shouldve been a part of. tell me what’s going to happen to my family and my friends. tell me what’s going to happen to my boyfriend.
to my dog:
im sorry i cant see you grow much but know that i spent a lot of good times with you. thank you for wiping (licking) the tears off my face and for cuddling next to me when i sleep. i love you so much and i hope you know that even though you dont understand the human language well. i hope you understand why im leaving.
——————————————————————————————-
gonna work a little (so that my groupmates in group school works dont suffer too much). i’ll be reading a bit too so i guess i can reply to your comments or whatever.
see you all. dont really know if this suicide thing is a good thing but im 99% sure im gonna try it again
8 comments
Don’t do it VIola, you’re too young and certainly not over school pressures, maybe reach out to your boyfriend? Anyway I’m hoping u come to no harm.
viola, I agree with Rainwatch. You are way too young to end your life over school work. School is just a tiny part of your life, by the time you are in your early twenties, high school will be nothing but a vague memory. It looks like you have a few people that you love and you know they love you back. Hold on a little longer, this part of your life will pass.
You’ve got a lot of good in your life. Understandably, the bad is overwhelming right now, but bad stuff comes, bad stuff goes. You’ve seen that. A dad and a mom who love you, who you KNOW love you (by your own words) – these are precious gifts.
A boyfriend and a brother who love you, also gifts to treasure. And, last but not least, a wonderful dog. A dog whose love is absolutely unconditional.
The issues at school are representative of what you will face in the years beyond school, should you choose to stay. Some days, life will kick your ass hard, but you already know this. It’s on those days that the only choice you have is to, like me, consider suicide, because God almighty, it sounds appealing. To JUST BE FLIPPING DONE WITH ALL OF THIS. . . INSANE CRAP. What happens after? Who the hell knows. Maybe darkness, maybe not. Maybe silence, maybe not.
Your choice today is whether or not to continue living with the frustrations of your life, particularly with the difficulty school is imposing. It won’t necessarily get easier, but you can push through it. Look how much you’ve successfully dealt with already, how much you’ve grown, experienced and learned. Look at the love you know is there from family, boyfriend, dog. Look at the unread stories in the books in your shelf, waiting to fill your time with life and happiness.
If next comes blackness and silence, you will have your wish – to be gone from here. We all want that, and I am certainly not one to judge you for considering it and acting on it.
If you choose to stay, you will find opportunities to experience what is beautiful about living, in between the ass kickings, but it is these fluctuations, these ups and downs that shape us and mold us. There is no escaping them, if you choose to live. They will happen again, they will be relentless, and there is no magic OFF button or divine deity that will stop them. You do have that power.
The only consideration is, if you leave, will you inadvertently be walking away from more of the beauty of life, the side of life that isn’t frustrating and insane, the side of life that soothes you, calms you and completes you?
Like the valleys of gloom and despair, the heights of happiness are fleeting. They are temporary, but they can be amazing.
I can’t and won’t infringe on your right to choose. I’m just a name and a bunch of words that may be meaningless. But consider the balance of life, weigh the good and the bad, and understand the specialness and the beauty of the good. It can help you keep your head above water, if you want it to.
Best of luck to you.
hey guys i didnt die because i fucking fell asleep. haha. guess im weak.
Well, that’s almost like being dead. . . except you wake up. Hope things improve for you. Are you feeling any better?
not really. i think i have a cold again. but i’ll try to get energy to crawl through this shitstorm happening in my life right now…
Alright, I hope I didn’t get too weird there, you just sounded so desperate and I felt I had to try to help you see that there’s a balance to the shit storm – shit today, rainbows tomorrow. Anyways. Sorry the day was crazy and here’s hoping for better days. Colds suck. For such a common illness, they can really make you feel like crap.
It’s alright. Thank you for helping me 🙂