guess who fell asleep because of lethargy!! me 🙁 oh well, maybe there will be a better day…
fuck this shit fuck this country i hate my country’s educational system,, so many kids attempting suicide and no one’s doing jackshit FAST about it.
well, i guess i’ll just be another dead body in the morning. i hate living. i hate life. bye.. see you all in the afterlife…
fucking tired of humans,,, i hope i get reborn as a loved and pampered cat or dog because i just don’t want to think!!! im sick of using my brain!! even when people tell me im smart, im fucking dumb and fail tests and fail to pass my homework on time!! fuck this shit!! i just want God to take my dumb life!!!! im so sick of this shit…!
good bye!!! fuck it all!!
someone take care of my journal, my boyfriend, my family, and my dog for me please
cant even fucking drink water because of the shitass government my country has hope yall just die a slow and despairing death,, good BYE
out of anger and stress (due to school) i told my boyfriend id kill him because hes the only one stopping me from killing myself so if hes dead i can kill myself in peace but what the fuck right!!
i said sorry so much and i said maybe itd be better for us to break up but what what what i dont wwant this to happen again fuckuf ukcufkcu fuck!!!
i let my anger take over me again
i just want to die
he wont break up with me and now im afraid i will actually end up killing him even though thats not what i would do fucku fuckfuk fuck
please help me
paperwork. paperwork. paperwork.
life’s full of it and that’s absolute bullshit.
i just want to sleep forever and not have to work.
i absolutely hate being in groupwork, but sadly, life says that if you don’t want to collaborate, you’re not going to do well in life – you’ll be a failure. Your life will be miserable.
i don’t want…to carry the expectations of people and i sure as hell don’t want to disappoint them. which is hard, especially in my school.
teachers say it’s okay to fail but what if you fail the expectations of your groupmates? your classmates? your friends? and then they’ll all go grumpy and mad and i just want to shut everyone off.
i absolutely hate conflict and i don’t know how to stomach it since life’s full of it. god, is there any way to help me get out of this hell?
honestly, i just want to live as a shut-in, away from the world, probably my companions being my books, my journals, my games, the internet, and my art supplies.
it’s so hard to live…so hard…i just want my life to end.
but i can’t exactly do that, not in the mood right now.
maybe i will be, eventually? soon? never? who knows.
Hey, so I posted a supposed suicide note a couple of days ago. Fortunately, I didn’t go through it because I slept after breaking down for a few hours and taking care of my dog.
Sadly, an acquaintance of mine has passed away. Yesterday? Today? I’m not sure… I’m still recovering from my break down from Tuesday. Some people say her body was found somewhere in my school, near some trees. You know the drill. Very disheartening, indeed. Of course, you’ll hear the regular “I’m just a message away/I’m here for you” posts of speeches, though one of my teachers said it in a way that was genuine and simple. It made me feel… a bit lighter.
The girl who had passed away helped me get into a choir/glee club when I was just a wee freshman. Man, I owe a lot to her. She helped gather courage for the auditions and I got in! I was very thankful to her but I don’t think I was able to give her my gratitude properly. I regret not doing that. Maybe, in heaven, she’ll now know how thankful I was for her.
Even if we didn’t talk often, greeting her whenever we passed by each other in the school hallways made me feel a wee bit lighter and happier. Her smile and voice was very encouraging and she had a kind aura around her.
I regret not being able to catch up with her sooner. Is this what people feel when they lose someone to death, not necessarily suicide? Regret, regret, reminisce. That’s what people in my school are doing right now.
I feel a bit happy I did not go through my suicide because it probably would’ve been too much for the school. For my batchmates. For my friends. For my family. For my boyfriend, who I consider family, along with his family too.
I hope she rests peacefully and happily in heaven.
there’s too many projects and schoolwork and i want to and will try to kill myself. i’m going to jump off the highest floor of my house or maybe hang myself. yeah. sounds great. i keep getting colds due to all these fucking schoolwork anyway. might as well just literally die.
turns out there was a fucking project due this week and i never knew. i. never. knew. we have this rule (that teachers dont give a fuck about) that we should only have two major requirements due on a day, but the things teachers give are minor requirements that take half a day or something and because of that, we cant really protest. anyway what i said was just the tip of the iceberg and probably not important because the teachers are too stressed to spread out the requirements and coordinate with one another.
i remember during my school’s foundation day i borrowed my friend’s scissors and cut myself because some teacher told me not to be too touchy with my boyfriend. i cant really protest against that because i was hugging him, holding his hand, and resting my head on his shoulder. i wasnt dry humping him or giving him a lap dance in public or making out with him, but i cant protest because students love that teacher even though that teacher is strict as fuck. maybe he teaches well but i dont give a fuck anymore.
what a fucking weakling, getting triggered by menial things. maybe that teacher hates me.
anyway, in a few hours, i’ll be gone so if my family/friends find my suicideproject account here are some few notes:
to my friends in that twitter account:
thank you for listening to my stupid stories and for being there for me.
to my brother:
thank you for tolerating your piece of shit sister. i love you and please dont go to my school for high school.
to sir *****:
thank you for making me go get help. got a few things off my bucketlist, couldnt have done it without your help. wouldnt have been together with the greatest love of my life if it werent for you because id probably be dead earlier. hope you get the gifts you want this christmas because i wont be alive by then.
to my boyfriend:
thank you for being there for me and for loving me. im really sorry i cant promise you not to kill myself because i cant. do it. im fucking sorry. im so fucking sorry. please dont kill yourself too. i love you sooooo sooo much. please take care of my family too. im sorry about all our fights. i love you.
to my dad:
thank you for tolerating and loving the worst daughter ever. im really sorry for what ive done before, so i hope youve forgiven me by now, i love you.
to my mom:
thank you so much for loving me, even if im a piece of shit daughter. im really sorry for all the inconveniences and all the fights weve had. i hope you can find someone else to enjoy the hobbies we do and plans weve made. i love you.
to anyone coming to my funeral:
tell my dead body what happens at the end of deltarune and last window: secret of cape west. tell me about all the books i own but never read. tell me about what’s going to happen to all the dances i shouldve been a part of. tell me what’s going to happen to my family and my friends. tell me what’s going to happen to my boyfriend.
to my dog:
im sorry i cant see you grow much but know that i spent a lot of good times with you. thank you for wiping (licking) the tears off my face and for cuddling next to me when i sleep. i love you so much and i hope you know that even though you dont understand the human language well. i hope you understand why im leaving.
gonna work a little (so that my groupmates in group school works dont suffer too much). i’ll be reading a bit too so i guess i can reply to your comments or whatever.
see you all. dont really know if this suicide thing is a good thing but im 99% sure im gonna try it again
Hey guys, I’m back.
I’m not sure if the people I knew are still here, but I really hope they are. You are all wonderful persons.
2016 was a rough year for me. 2017 didn’t improve much.
I’ve attempted suicide around 8 times, most of my attempts this year. Several injuries, failed tests, some crappy teachers, social media, and my dad. All of these have contributed to my shitty health.
I’ve gotten injured 4 times within 12 months. The fractures were the worst. I went to the beach and I would cry myself to sleep every night from that point until my mom found out I was suicidal. It was moments after I decided not to hang myself, even though I was already in the position, that my mom came into my room. It made me feel a bit relieved, but just for a while because I’d break a bone again soon.
My arm had to be put into a cast for my finger to heal properly. Man, all for a finger. I must be very unlucky. It didn’t help that this teacher I hated so much would make fun of it and since he taught programming classes and I couldn’t type well and had missed a lot of classes (due to me meeting the surgeon for my finger), he caught me copying once and decided to yell to the whole class about it. It was my birthday and I just felt so…shitty. I’ve been crying (out of despair) on my birthday for about 3 years now. I thought I wouldn’t cry that day but no. No. I wept silently in class, as the rest of my classmates went on typing their codes. I just wanted to die.
A bit later, I started to cut myself on my thighs. Luckily, I don’t do that anymore. I’d cut myself every time someone expressed disappointment in me. I even cut myself in public and someone took my scissors away from me. My mom did the same as I had lots of scissors at home.
A teacher that I respect a lot and I am close to told me to get help, which I agreed to. My mom was reluctant at first, but she agreed eventually. Fast forward to today, and I guess things are getting better.
I’m taking medication and meeting a psychiatrist and a psychologist. They’re very nice and helpful.
I’m also in a relationship right now. My boyfriend’s helping me recover and is a very nice and sweet guy.
I’m just… afraid right now. School’s going to start soon and I’m going to see all the negativity from various people. In fact, negativity was the reason why I decided to go on hiatus on Twitter and Instagram. I kept comparing myself to other artists on Instagram, including one person, who was a beginner, that became an expert within a year. A year. Faster than me. I’m so slow, I hate it so much. I’m forced to work fast in group works but I know I can’t finish work spontaneously because I need time to process things and I want my work to be perfect.
Back to the artist, I was the one who encouraged him to do art and now he’s…doing what I can’t do. I should be happy for him, but the feelings of dread overpower it. I’ve unfollowed/muted him on social media and well, what a turn of events. There are so many people I follow online who can make art so quickly and I hate hate hate how I’m 10x slower than them.
Aside from social media causing my massive art block, Twitter’s been highly toxic lately. Stan culture has been cultivating a kind of trend where people keep being overly dramatic and looking for “tea” (gossip/rumors/insults that they perceive as sassy, but it’s really just rude). I fucking hate it so much and it doesn’t help the majority of my friends are into this stupid stan culture. I hate drama so much. It always makes me feel like shit for some reason. Call out culture is also pretty toxic. I feel it can actually make someone do worse things and trigger suicide in some people because of the way they try to correct someone is rude and negative. Imagine someone calling you out in public for forgetting to pay something on time because it causes inconvenience. Not very pleasant, right? It’s like the other party just wants attention to help them drag you down into the deepest parts of hell.
Anyway, I guess I’m on the road to recovery and I will try my best to be strong this year. I hope you guys too will improve.
I feel slightly happy that I didn’t kill myself, as I wouldn’t have seen tons of great things (followed by a horde of crap that I didn’t like). I learned how to do some forms of art (calligraphy and watercolor painting) in the summer and I got to make one of my close friends happy by giving him an autograph of one of his favorite singers by surprise on his birthday, which was a few weeks ago. However, I don’t really see that much improvement from how I was last year. I wonder what kind of bad shit life has in store for me now, as my grandmother died a few months ago.
I want to rest because I am really tired from all the homework and projects my teachers give me. Sometimes, I don’t even get to do them at all. I heard some people complain of having 3 requirements per week from other schools while in my school, there’s like 8 requirements per week minimum (if it’s not a special week for events). It can even be like 5 requirements a day and I get home 6 PM and leave around 7 AM, so I end up not sleeping sometimes. I know older generations say that my generation gives up easily, but with this much work, who wouldn’t?
There’s this guy I like and sometimes, I want to give him a hug because he’s going through a rough time right now but I’m afraid of other people misinterpreting it as the “gross public display of affection” that many couples do and I’m just afraid that I’m just annoying him or hurting him with whatever I do because I feel that everything I do now hurts another person somehow.
And once again, I am lost.
It’s been some time since I last posted here and I don’t think I’ve made that much progress on recovering from my depression. In fact, I’ve made two halfhearted attempts to kill myself, which is by drinking a few random pills. I’ve become somewhat distant from my parents, one main reason is their political stance on my country’s president right now. They voted for him because of a desire of change, even though it was evident that he was misogynistic, racist, and selfish. They keep talking about him during dinner time and praising him for all his decisions, which include killing of drug addicts, which can also be used as an excuse for killing someone simply because you didn’t like them. I end up eating quickly Most of the time, when I voice out my opinions to my parents, I end up getting dismissed and they try to implant their opinions on me, which is why I don’t really talk with them that much.
Aside from that, I’ve put on some weight and I am not happy with it. People, including my parents, tell me to accept my body for what it is but, no! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I don’t want any of their “accept your body and eat whatever you want” bullshit. I want to be healthy, eat healthy, live a healthy lifestyle, but no, my friends peer pressure me into eating with them unhealthy crap, like brownies, pizza, and other shit that probably worsens my blood sugar, as I may have diabetes right now (my pee has been smelling sweet for 4 months now and I still haven’t had a test due to me being busy with schoolwork). My father gets “triggered” every time me or my mother says we need to eat healthy because he’s the one who keeps buying unhealthy pastries and other junk food in the house. He doesn’t want to exercise because of “painful knees”, like the kind of excuses people who do not simply want to be healthy give.
Back to my parents, they keep giving me lots of random material things I don’t really need, like bags or shirts. They think that they’ll make me happy by giving me those crap, but in reality, I just want them to listen to me, to realize that their daughter has changed, to live a healthy lifestyle, and to accept me for who I am. I don’t want any material gift from them for this Christmas, well, maybe meds for my depression. I want a will to live, which I always joke about when I’m in school. I want acceptance. I want to get rid of all this bitterness and anger in my heart. But right now, I’m just slowly fading away from the world…
It’s finals week for us and I don’t know if I can take it any longer. My mom told me if I wanted to be a scientist, I’d have to move to another country because the government wouldn’t support my projects here and that someone might kill me, especially since I want to protect the environment here and people (like poachers, smugglers, and corporations) tend to try to kill those that do so. But the problem is, I want to work here and my parents think I should be either a doctor or go to another country. And my parents are sort of trying to push me into being a doctor, but I don’t want to graduate from med school when I’m in my mid-30s (since they might make me do pre-med too). And the school I’m in right now – everything’s too hard. Most of my teachers teach way too fast for me and because of that, I get low grades in tests. It’s so unbearable that I freeze in the middle of tests sometimes and there’s always so much work to do. I want to move away but my parents will have to pay back the school for the money the school used for my scholarship. I keep oversleeping, which is my way of avoiding problems. Sometimes, I skip dinner, just so that I can cry myself to sleep from all the problems I have. I want to fix my life by leaving the school but I can’t because of the money my parents will pay back if I do. If I decide to finish my scholarship here, it will take me slightly more than 4 years and there’s a chance my depression might get even worse as every year gets harder and harder. I just want to be happy again and not be always worn out and depressed.
And maybe, I’ll have to wait for a long time to feel long-term happiness in my life. Until then, I guess I’m going to drag my entire body and soul forward for years.
I’ve decided that I won’t kill myself on the 30th. After all, someone told me that one, my family and friends will be grieving and that if I kill myself, I might give a lot of people despair. Second, my dreams – to be a ballet dancer, to be friends with my crush (which is kind of weird to be placed here, heh), and to serve the country as a scientist – will all be lost when I die. Third is that I want to let other depressed and suicidal people live and know that we can all defeat our suicidal thoughts and not let them kill us, literally. Sure, I may have forgotten how to be happy right now, but in time (probably weeks, months, or a year or two from now), I’ll be happier than ever. I think that life will get better, but school might be harder next year so maybe these suicidal thoughts will come back but I hope that they don’t affect me like they did this year.
I want to spread hope to others, not despair.
A few weeks ago, I was starting to get hope that I wouldn’t kill myself, that my future is still bright. Then suddenly, it all disappeared due to the pressure I get in trying to keep up in school. My suicide date is a few weeks away and I want to stop myself from killing myself, but the rest of myself is pretty convinced that I should end my life soon. I’m starting to avoid homework and other things altogether because one, I’m tired of school and that it drains the life out of me. I mean, who wouldn’t be tired when you wake up at 5 AM, get to school by 7:15, sit and listen to people talk for 10 hours, and get home around 7 PM? Two, I can’t live up to people’s expectations of me. I want to be myself, but I think I’ve lost my true self long ago and that I’m just a living dead, someone who is in the middle of life and death. I want to rest for a while, but my school doesn’t have any breaks (we do, but the week after that is the quarterly exams, so the break is pretty useless) and every week is filled with requirements and tests. I wish I could go back in time to stop myself from going to this school and go to this other school that I wanted to go. I wish I could still be truly happy, like how I was 2 years ago. I wish I wasn’t pressured by others to go into this school now due to the fact that my parents are doctors and they want me to be one too. I wish things would go back to how they were before.
Lastly, there was this post someone made about my school. It said the school drained the life out of him too and that the school can either make you or break you. Heh, I guess it broke me into pieces already.
I have 24 days left before my suicide date. There’s a high chance I’ll push through killing myself at this point.
It’s been some time since my first post. I think I can stop myself from killing myself on my pre-set suicide date (Nov 30). I think I just need a bit more hope. I hope I don’t fall back into despair because I want to live. Sorry that this post is short.
I am going to attempt a suicide on the 30th of November, which is next month. I feel that everything’s too hard, that my feelings keep being played with by others, that most of my dreams end up failing no matter how hard I try. I want to get out of this state of despair but I can’t, it’s too hard. How am I supposed to get out of this state when life’s too harsh on me? And even if I do get out, life’s always going to get harder and harder, making the chance of me attempting to suicide again even greater. I want to ask help from others but I think they might worry about me too much, which will make me think that I am an inconvenience to others. If I am going to kill myself, one of my last wishes is to be friends with this person who I have a crush on right now. However, I am too weak and my crush probably thinks that I am weird because he barely answers my messages and if he does, he usually replies with a word or two. I want to tell my crush that I just want to be friends with him and that it’s sort of my dying wish and that I want him to notice me (Yes, it’s cliche, but at this point in my life, who the hell cares?) for once instead of acting like sort of a snob to me. I don’t even know if he’s acting like a snob or he just replies with a few words to everyone, it’s what my friends suggested to me.
But, I have dance class and stuff, which is good, since it is one of the few things that doesn’t make me think of suicide. I believe that if I keep thinking, “No, I can’t suicide, I still have dance with me,” then maybe I’ll be able to not kill myself. But the problem is, I was put into a science school and that if I decide to switch schools so that I can focus on dance more, I have to pay a large amount of money to the school because my scholarship should’ve been given to someone else and that we have to pay back. I think going to that science high school was very impulsive of me because I didn’t know that I would suffer this much and I was mainly thinking about the scholarship I got to that school. I should’ve focused on dance more. But I guess, it’s too late to back out now. (The science school also is very stressful, compared to other schools.)
So now, I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t want to be a scientist anymore, I want to be a dancer instead. But at the same time, I don’t want waste the scholarship for the science school I am in right now. And at the same time, I want to kill myself but there’s something to live for (dance) and if I am going to kill myself, I don’t think my last wish would be fulfilled, which is being friends with my crush.
I think my life’s a huge mess right now. I’m barely even genuinely happy. What should I do?