I’ve always had this uneasy feeling of loneliness ever since I was a kid. There was just a point where I looked up at recess and realized I had nobody to play with. Sure, I had friends in that class, but none of them would spend time with me in recess. That was the first time I cried from the extreme feeling of loneliness.
It’s been years since I cried on that playground corner. I feel like I’ve grown, I’ve stepped away from the corner and sought out to make friends. If no one asks to hang out with me, I’ll ask them to hang out! I’ll make my own plans! I refuse to go back to that corner and be all alone ever again. But it never goes away. That feeling of loneliness that follows me around no matter where I go, no matter what I’m doing, no matter who I’m with. And it just takes a second, just a smaaall split second for that feeling to completely overtake me and bam. I’m back at the corner of the playground during recess, and I’m all alone again.
I feel lonelier when I’m in a big group of friends rather than when I’m just home alone.
And nothing- NOTHING, I do ever gets rid of this constant feeling of loneliness. At this point, it’s the only thing that keeps me company. I can’t escape it, and I feel like I’m never going to escape it at this rate.
And it’s not even something I can tell people. They always get offended if I tell them I always feel lonely, in their company. Or it gets misinterpreted as I just need to be at the center of attention at all times. I definitely don’t want that, I get incredibly anxious when there’s too much attention on me. And in the end, they brush it off and I continue with my day with dread knowing I’m going to cry as soon as I’m alone. I don’t feel wanted anywhere. I don’t feel needed anywhere. So what’s the point in even staying? How long can I last until the rest of the loneliness catches up and envelops me. What will I do then? Will anyone even be there for me when that happens?
Will they even care?
7 comments
Perhaps you could find company in yourself.
I know as a kid it could be a defining moment in one’s life but it’s just best to contextualize that experience as an adult.
I have experienced that sense of loneliness you mentioned, about 7 years ago I wasn’t getting along too well with my friends and after an argument, I thought I had lost them. Despite having family and old high school friends I could call on, I felt I had no one and felt incredibly lonely.
Fortunately my relationship with my university friends was much more resilient than I thought and we soon went back to normal. But it wouldn’t take much to end our relationships if anyone of us really wanted.
As for my first point, you have to remember that this was you in that particular time and place and you didn’t really connect or form bonds with anyone. Unless you’re Quasimodo, most of us can find/make and usually keep friends-but it’s all about having the right social skills and knowing how to draw people in your life yet also keep a distance so you don’t seem desperate.
And you’re correct, it’s best never to get too personal with them or expose your anxieties because that turns people off. Just keep friends around for companionship, someone to hang out with. Don’t turn them into your therapist or a crutch, they will be put off by that as well.
I have a similar ‘trigger event’ that I’ve mostly gotten over now but it bothered me every so often. Early in university, I got to know a couple of guys and I figured I’ll be sticking with them throughout my school years at least. However one time there was a disagreement that arose which I didn’t take too seriously.
When you become an adult, people are better at hiding their real feelings about you-they let you go on thinking you’re friends but the truth is revealed in certain circumstances. One time I met up with one of these fake friends in my library and was casually telling him about some story about my high school friends and he quipped sarcastically “you have friends?”
It threw me off guard but his intention was clear he was waiting to insult/disparage/embarass me because he didn’t like me or consider me his friend. I laughed it off with some weak comeback like “surprising isn’t it?” Of course today I’d give him a piece of my mind since I’m so much better with the comebacks and I know instantly now what people mean when they say certain things.
But the trouble was that I naively thought he and I were still friends despite our disagreement, and he led me to believe that we were. After that, I cut my ties and fortunately, I made far better, genuine friends who are still to my friends this day.
But that word did trigger me for a few years after but I eventually got over it. Contextualization is the key really. Just remember that it’s only an event in your life where things weren’t so great for you but that it doesn’t make you a loser or a bad person.
Additionally when you change as a person and also your circumstances, meet new people, etc, you get to start over. So don’t carry that baggage of the past with you. We are social creatures, we do need friends in our lives but don’t sacrifice your dignity too much. You’re better off being alone then having fake, toxic people around you who say they’re friends but are really not.
Lastly always try to have a sizeable group of friends because you never know who you’ll have an argument with one day or who will move away for a job/marriage, etc. So you need a good group of 5-10 people and this way whoever is left usually becomes a lifelong friends assuming a few stick around.
@day2day , being called friendless has been the worst feeling for me. There was a time in my life when I had virtually no friends apart from my younger brother. All my life I have been afraid of other people judging me for not having friends or not having enough friends. After many years I am still afraid. I think that in today’s society, when everyone seems so social, being called friendless is kind of the worst insult… it’s worse than being called a virgin… One day my younger brother complained to my mother about me not having friends.
I have always tried to hide my social handicap from others. Fortunately, in university things started to improve.
If someone put me this question : “So you have friends?” I would see it as one of the worst insult.
Fortunately, now I have 2 real good friends.
I am sorry this happened to you and it’s not your fault you didn’t have a better reaction.
Hope, thanks for the support and likewise sorry to hear that you’ve been through something similar. I agree, it basically makes one a social leper and ironically if you don’t have friends, then no one wants to be your friend because they just assume something is wrong with you.
That’s why at times you have to fake it, pretend to have an active social life to impress others, so long as you think you can get away with the bluff. Then when you string along a few friends it becomes reality and they’re none the wiser.
Well if anyone asks ‘do you have any friends’ is fishing for dirt and the question itself is insultive. I’d respond with “tons, do you have in friends?” In a sarcastic tone, it usually puts people on the defense.
However I think we live in a highly egocentric age, where everyone walks around thinking they’re the greatest and other people are dispensable. If they find that others have struggles in their lives, they don’t want to have anything to do with them.
But I believe in karma-I’ve seen bad people usually get what’s coming. They treat others like crap but it eventually backfires on them.
I also maintain fairly high standards for friendship. I expect nothing less than people treat me with the same respect and attention I give them. I’ll give them plenty of chances to correct their behavior but if I see they think they’re better than me or really don’t value my friendship I get rid of them, esp if they’re toxic people.
Attracting friends is like attracting the opposite sex (or whatever one is into). You need to be friendly, charming, fun, confident, witty and not come across, needy, desperate or crazy. Anyone that can master these skills will be able to make friends.
Of course you also need to at least appear independent or have a career-who really wants to hang out with someone who’s unemployed and has no ambition? Additionally people respect those who are willing to throw them away-it means they’re not desperate for friends and in fact it causes them to want to get to know you.
I’m glad to know you’ve made a few friends. I need to increase my circle also-but I can’t do much until my financial situation improves, so that’s something I’m working on now. If things go well I believe next year will be a turning point for me. I wish you good luck also.
We really need an edit button to fix typos.
correction: tons, do you have any…
Feeling lonely is one of the many joys of depression. I have great friends that are literally taking care of me on a daily basis because I am more suicidal than ever but eve’ though I can talk freely I know they will never really get it what I am going through. I think childhood as you mentioned plays a big role. I am 21 but I ve been neglected and abused until I left home and I learned what it was like to be able to count on people and to stay with them without them saying I am a worthless piece of shit. So I am just starting to learn what it feels like to truly connect with people and in that way I feel lonely because I dont know how to interact and they do.
I suspect the feeling you describe is probably more common than you think. Reminds me of Donnie Darko when he’s told in a dream or hallucination that “everyone dies alone”, or something like that. It haunts him.
But I do think there are steps you can take to feel less lonely. One might be to read Mitch Prinstein’s book “Popular”. He’s a psychology professor and an expert on popularity. Interesting stuff.
The other is googling something called the “acceptance prophecy”. Basically, if you expect that people will like you, you will behave in a warmer way towards them, and they actually WILL like you better. Whereas if you expect that they won’t like you, you will be colder towards them (because, on some level, your guard will be up), and they won’t like you as much.
I have suffered from social anxiety for most of my life. Seriously: Try the acceptance prophecy. When you meet someone, think something like “He/she wants to be my friend”. Just that thought should make you feel more at ease, which will make you more comfortable to be around, and should lead to people liking you better.
Good luck!