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I think my heart is giving me mixed signals

by sansfranzdeput

I feel so lost right now: one of my few close friends- a girl- made me feel…………..special. We had just gone to see a marvel movie, and we were in the car, just chatting. I had previously mentioned to her passingly in the last week or so that I thought that I was going to being moving away soon, and she had reacted in a semi-sad, but mostly just bummed out way. But I brought the subject up again in the car, because I wanted to get her opinion on the whole thing. She started tearing up and sad that she’d really miss me. I didn’t believe it at first: I had long ago convinced myself that nobody could make me feel like they actually loved me, in any kind of relationship. But she meant it; she really did. I asked her why. She said because she thought I was a wonderful person, and that she could be “herself” in a sense around me. I said that I was a horrible person, and then I also teared up. A few seconds later, I was weeping into the armrest of my car, and she was holding my head in her hands, then my hand in her warm, living fingers.

I didn’t know what else to do. I had always dreamed of being deadly honest with someone I could trust to understand about what I went through every day of my life, but when it had actually happened, it was so surreal. I almost still believe that it was a dream or hallucination; that, or that she’ll back out of meeting again, or that I messed our friendship up somehow. I’ve been praying almost constantly about it and her, and her salvation- I am a Christian and she isn’t anything-, and I just can’t decide if I did the right thing by opening up to her like that.

It felt so good: it wasn’t awkward or sexual; just her crying with me, holding me; just us sharing hurt and making each other feel better. We shared memories and told each other hard stories nobody else knew.

I had always thought that she was like everyone else that I knew: fake, shallow, and not interested in real, painful things, let alone someone like me being so messed up and all. Sometimes I saw how different she was, but I was oblivious because she still did a lot of the same social lies others did. I had no idea she cared about me that much.

In that moment, she was more real that anybody I’d ever seen. It was exactly like being a baby again and finding literally NEW things, because it was that. Her face was different, so changed by crying; it made her real. I could hear her better now; feel her more as a person.

Basically, I desperately want to keep this going, keep opening up to her, and help her as she helps me, but I don’t know if that’s the best thing to do. I don’t want to lead her on into thinking I “like” her; I might still move; and I am afraid of her rejecting or not “understanding” something about me enough. Anyone care? Is anyone here to share an opinion or give their piece of pie advice?

 

Ukina Yakisoba,

Saint Elect

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7 comments

unknownsoldier 11/3/2018 - 7:20 am

You are in a rare place my friend and I would say give her a shot. What really could it hurt? We all could use someone like her in our lives.

sansfranzdeput 11/4/2018 - 10:55 am

We hung out again, and it didn’t go well at all. I think she was just doing what she thought was best in the moment, rather than trying to show long term intention of helping me. But that’s fine I guess.

PatheticMale 11/3/2018 - 8:42 am

You have an awesome opportunity man. I would go for it if I were in your place. I always dreamed of having a person that I could cry with, tell everything, that would understand me and shit. I seems like she has feelings for you too (like more than friends) but maybe she is afraid to express it.

sansfranzdeput 11/4/2018 - 10:56 am

I want to too, but we talked again yesterday, and it didn’t go very well. I doubt she has feelings like that for me. I do want that kind of person though; I really do.

Lifelong Loser 11/3/2018 - 1:06 pm

You have something here that so many of us on this site wish we had.. Someone that truly cares about you.

Hold on to that, even if you just stay friends. It is a very rare thing to find.

sansfranzdeput 11/4/2018 - 10:57 am

I’ll try my very best; I know it is a sacred and rare thing to have or even see. But I don’t have much faith in it lasting very long. I am also not sure how much she does or can care about me. I think it was more of a spur of the moment thing rather than a ‘I’m committing to help you and I am always here kinda thing’.

whitefurmouse 11/5/2018 - 7:16 pm

All I’m gonna say is, give it a shot… careful of potentially ending up hurt though.
RE… also, people can be unpredictable and… well have you ever read about people who just shut people out of their lives for no apparent reason one day, completely out of the blue?
I may not even know what I’m talking about here… but in the end you can only rely on yourself. anyway, see how it goes… if you wanna know, I gave my ex everything and he left me anyway… so yeah, it had its problems.

well I hope it works out ok for you… I hope she genuinely cares. well never mind my answer really, I feel I have trust issues these days. I’m not saying anyone is a bad person…

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