I think my heart is giving me mixed signals

  November 3rd, 2018 by sansfranzdeput

I feel so lost right now: one of my few close friends- a girl- made me feel…………..special. We had just gone to see a marvel movie, and we were in the car, just chatting. I had previously mentioned to her passingly in the last week or so that I thought that I was going to being moving away soon, and she had reacted in a semi-sad, but mostly just bummed out way. But I brought the subject up again in the car, because I wanted to get her opinion on the whole thing. She started tearing up and sad that she’d really miss me. I didn’t believe it at first: I had long ago convinced myself that nobody could make me feel like they actually loved me, in any kind of relationship. But she meant it; she really did. I asked her why. She said because she thought I was a wonderful person, and that she could be “herself” in a sense around me. I said that I was a horrible person, and then I also teared up. A few seconds later, I was weeping into the armrest of my car, and she was holding my head in her hands, then my hand in her warm, living fingers.

I didn’t know what else to do. I had always dreamed of being deadly honest with someone I could trust to understand about what I went through every day of my life, but when it had actually happened, it was so surreal. I almost still believe that it was a dream or hallucination; that, or that she’ll back out of meeting again, or that I messed our friendship up somehow. I’ve been praying almost constantly about it and her, and her salvation- I am a Christian and she isn’t anything-, and I just can’t decide if I did the right thing by opening up to her like that.

It felt so good: it wasn’t awkward or sexual; just her crying with me, holding me; just us sharing hurt and making each other feel better. We shared memories and told each other hard stories nobody else knew.

I had always thought that she was like everyone else that I knew: fake, shallow, and not interested in real, painful things, let alone someone like me being so messed up and all. Sometimes I saw how different she was, but I was oblivious because she still did a lot of the same social lies others did. I had no idea she cared about me that much.

In that moment, she was more real that anybody I’d ever seen. It was exactly like being a baby again and finding literally NEW things, because it was that. Her face was different, so changed by crying; it made her real. I could hear her better now; feel her more as a person.

Basically, I desperately want to keep this going, keep opening up to her, and help her as she helps me, but I don’t know if that’s the best thing to do. I don’t want to lead her on into thinking I “like” her; I might still move; and I am afraid of her rejecting or not “understanding” something about me enough. Anyone care? Is anyone here to share an opinion or give their piece of pie advice?


Ukina Yakisoba,

Saint Elect

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