I feel so lost right now: one of my few close friends- a girl- made me feel…………..special. We had just gone to see a marvel movie, and we were in the car, just chatting. I had previously mentioned to her passingly in the last week or so that I thought that I was going to being moving away soon, and she had reacted in a semi-sad, but mostly just bummed out way. But I brought the subject up again in the car, because I wanted to get her opinion on the whole thing. She started tearing up and sad that she’d really miss me. I didn’t believe it at first: I had long ago convinced myself that nobody could make me feel like they actually loved me, in any kind of relationship. But she meant it; she really did. I asked her why. She said because she thought I was a wonderful person, and that she could be “herself” in a sense around me. I said that I was a horrible person, and then I also teared up. A few seconds later, I was weeping into the armrest of my car, and she was holding my head in her hands, then my hand in her warm, living fingers.
I didn’t know what else to do. I had always dreamed of being deadly honest with someone I could trust to understand about what I went through every day of my life, but when it had actually happened, it was so surreal. I almost still believe that it was a dream or hallucination; that, or that she’ll back out of meeting again, or that I messed our friendship up somehow. I’ve been praying almost constantly about it and her, and her salvation- I am a Christian and she isn’t anything-, and I just can’t decide if I did the right thing by opening up to her like that.
It felt so good: it wasn’t awkward or sexual; just her crying with me, holding me; just us sharing hurt and making each other feel better. We shared memories and told each other hard stories nobody else knew.
I had always thought that she was like everyone else that I knew: fake, shallow, and not interested in real, painful things, let alone someone like me being so messed up and all. Sometimes I saw how different she was, but I was oblivious because she still did a lot of the same social lies others did. I had no idea she cared about me that much.
In that moment, she was more real that anybody I’d ever seen. It was exactly like being a baby again and finding literally NEW things, because it was that. Her face was different, so changed by crying; it made her real. I could hear her better now; feel her more as a person.
Basically, I desperately want to keep this going, keep opening up to her, and help her as she helps me, but I don’t know if that’s the best thing to do. I don’t want to lead her on into thinking I “like” her; I might still move; and I am afraid of her rejecting or not “understanding” something about me enough. Anyone care? Is anyone here to share an opinion or give their piece of pie advice?