So I want to tell straight to the point that this is the very FIRST time that I could get to open up about what I feel. EVER.
I am now 20 years old but it felt to me like I’ve been living my 20 years in agony, shame and doubt. I do not know at the moment if I have depression or any clinical conditions since I am too afraid to seek help to anyone, not even a doctor. And do not take that for granted.
My family is a bit unstable as I can say. As the years go on, the love that I have for them and the bond between us grew farther away. My father is really a pain in the ass, and when I mean “pain”, I meant literal pain. We grew up with him because my mom is on a different place due to work reasons. My mom was an angel, but my dad was the complete opposite of her. He is very abusive, always abusing us physically and verbally to the point that he even harrassed us (me and my younger brother) in school, in the mall, or even in front of our friends when we do something wrong OR EVEN TO NOT FOLLOW HIS ORDERS. Just one small mistake and it would be the end for us. I know that he too suffered a lot of beating and abuse since he was a child as well and was unable to cope for it. He would always abuse us if ever we disagree to his opinions or say something that contradicts his opinion. It’s like whatever he says is always right and that we need to follow it. Little does he know that not everyone is perfect. That’s basically my childhood in a nutshell; filled with horror and agony knowing that I wasn’t able to receive the love that I needed the most, especially from him. As years go on and I get more mature, I start to develop a sense of fear towards other people, developing anxiety whenever I approach other people, doing groupworks or to recite in class, and even afraid to say hello to someone I know when we see each other in the mall. I am too afraid that I would get criticized. We all live in a cruel world after all. My father is still abusive as years go on and my anxiety worsens. I never talk to anyone about it because it’s hard for me to find friends. GENUINE FRIENDS. I’m always taken for granted. It’s as if I’m a worthless piece of shit that should be thrown away immediately. I was also being bullied, saying that I stink or I’m a super dumbass clumsy person. But I always fail to share what I’m going through, because I’m afraid to fight, I’m afraid to share, I’m weak and I will never be strong enough to stand up for myself.
Fastforward to college, I was finally able to make 2 genuine friends, but like the others mentioned above, I fail to share them with all my secrets. Instead, I try my best to cheer them up because I know what it feels like to be sad and lonely, knowing that I too will be on the brink of suicidality. My social anxiety worsens and I feel like all the people are talking about me, as if they see me as a threat. I isolate myself both in class and at home, trying to make less contact with people as much as I can. I still never tried to seek help, because I’m weak after all. Now that I’m 20, everything is feeding me up: problems, stress, life, school, family, body image. I hate the person that I’m becoming to be. I want to seek help, I really do, but there’s someone or something that’s trying to pull me back. I know that communication is an important tool at this stage but how can that be effective if I isolate myself in silence? I was unable to cope up with every bullshit that I had in my life. I’m a guy and the only thing that lightens up my day are animes. I do hope that someday, I would wake up knowing that there’s no more agony that delves in my mind.
To everyone out there, I do hope you reach out to someone when you’re in need of help. I also need your help everyone because I’m completely shattered, lost my will to live, and even going to school with a brainless mind and an empty soul. I do hope that I can experience happiness soon. GENUINE HAPPINESS.
Love always,
Potterhead Jr.
7 comments
Hi,
Let me start by telling you that finding genuine friends is almost impossible for EVERYONE. Also, please seek medical help. Find a psychiatrist, they are the ones that can prescribe medication and are better at arriving at a good diagnosis for your condition. Start your search now because it takes time to get in as a new patience. It took me a while to find a doctor that was taking new patients and when I finally found one, the next available appointment was 2 months out. I took it, and now I’ve been with him for over 10 years. Medicine will help a lot, so don’t be embarrassed or shy about seeking help.
Also, I can’t understand why people care about what others are saying or could be saying or thinking behind their backs. Think about this for a moment, you care about the opinion of someone you don’t know, don’t care about and barely know. These people don’t pay your bills, don’t have a saying in your future, don’t pay your tuition or your food, etc. These people don’t have any influence in your life other than the one YOU are giving to them. I hate to say this, but that one is on YOU. Start with that, stop thinking about what others are thinking about you. And if they are in fact talking behind your back, SO WHAT? If anything take it as a complement. I mean out of all the things people can talk about, they are choosing to talk about you. At least they are noticing you. What is that saying… There is not such thing as bad publicity.
Try to have a good weekend 🙂
Its crazy how our lives are similar like abusive dad, social anxiety, everything. The main escape for me is weed and video games but the more I try to escape the further I get from the solution.
How do you imagine the solution?
It’s extremely hard to find genuine friends, if not impossible (I only have 2 or 3, and one of them isn’t really a friend in my eyes).
On the other hand, its pretty easy to find fake friends.
Never mind what people say to your face, worry about how they talk about you, what they say behind your back.
Because most people are honestly full of s***. Me, I’m just… a very messed up person.
I’m sorry about the abuse.
They just want to make you look bad and themselves look good.. they’ll say anything to make them look better and you look worse. It’s kind of vicious, but it’s happening to people just like you or I
I would honestly not recommend seeking any psychiatric help it takes a lot of willpower but most of these psychiatrists operate on a kindergarten level, I was unaware what would happen the first time I was forced to take on a psychiatrist. Seems like it takes over your life. They diagnose you whatever makes them most pleased with themselves and then they forcefeed you pills. Even if you try to move on and realize experimenting with a psychiatrist was a huge mistake, the diagnosis is in the books and follows you around for the rest of your life. Most of the pills are brain damaging….you can look up on medical journals that some medications psychiatrists use are blacklisted my the military known to cause holes in the brain. My brain used to be my most prized possession but I know the pills have ruined it and that is hard to live with. A former nice body? A nice brain? Forget it after your dose, they destroy your body as well. I gained 70 pounds from my dose, the dose alone. My body was my second prized possession. So essentially I am no longer me, yet a new zombie not meant to survive
If you don’t get wrapped up in pill voodoo you can survive it just takes lots of mental willpower and strength .. just trust me, you don’t want to lose yourself.