I hate myself for even expressing any of this, but here I am in the middle of the night, unable to sleep because I can’t fucking get well.
It’s idiotic. I can fucking perform so well at the stupid university game, or at the stupid job game, heck even at the FUCKING house cleaning game. But my fucking body?
It’s a nightmare. Imagine being insanely competent and it not making any difference. Imagine having all the willpower and strength you could imagine, and more, yet not getting to use any of it to take care of yourself. Imagine never fucking getting better, yet everyone is happy because you figured out how to succeed at your stupid career.
That’s me… that’s me….
i don’t even want to call the crisis line, because we all know I’m not going to end it now. everyone is happy (minus me, but I don’t count, I have an illness that prevents my happiness.)
I have a fucking head cold or sinus infection, and have had for a month. I’m fucking sick of it. I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick of going to school sick, doing my chores sick because my roommates are sick too, but the dishes pile up and laundry needs to be done. FUCK! I wish I could do something. I wish that I could either access a doctor to fix this damn thing or that I could access some nerve so I could fix this damn defective life.
Update: there is no crisis line tonight, fucking busy with other suicidal people. Fuck
5 comments
At the moment I have no suicidal thoughts but I will say this try to continue with whatever struggle you suffer from in what manageable way, personally, when I do have my thoughts kick in I don’t have the physical cooperation that I would want in order to commit suicide I don’t understand why I should live for other people but I still continue prolly due to bipolar.
Do you feel as if you’re doing what you really want to do with your life?
I’m more ambitious than I can ever keep up with. Living with myself is like living with the world’s most unrealistic parent. I always want to think more is possible.
It doesn’t matter what I imagine could be. I’ve been through depression so deep I hallucinated to try and get out of it. Imagined realities and delusions are as real as any other escapism. That is to say, not fucking real.
I’m being the best that I can be, and I’m trying to come to terms with that. Right now I have a double major at school, working on a bachelor’s degree that has two years left. It’s a long journey to actual productivity. Meanwhile I just work on trying to be okay with where I am.
I want to be more. I wish I had found the desire and drive that I have now in my mid teens because if I had I might have changed the world. As it is, I might make a dent.
That’s all that matters though, right? We could imagine all sorts of alternate paths, but taking them is impossible, and wishing for a world that can’t be is a waste of wishes. Better to wish for things that can be done. I can graduate, I can become prominent in my field. That’s, better than dead….. better than dead.
I want to set the world on fire and all I can manage is a candle.
Heartless Viking – I’m gonna ask you what may sound like a trite ridiculous question, given the nature of your feelings here. I’m not trying to be a jackass.
Have you seen a doctor?
I’ve had sinus infections, and they can drive you to the brink of despair. Pounding relentless headache and sinus pressure, often accompanied by fever and bodyaches. If this is what you’re dealing with you NEED antibiotics. They will help.
I hear your frustration with life, I get that. No antibiotic will help with that. Life is a b_ _ _ h at times. If I’m not overlooking the obvious by assuming you haven’t gone to a doctor for whatever is going on in your head/sinuses, and if you are able to, go see a doctor. Sinus infections are a unique brand of misery.
At the moment it’s a matter of time and money, and not having enough of either to do proper self care. I’m struggling with a decision between health insurance next year and possibly losing access to the medications that allow me to be productive. The health insurance marketplace really has us screwed.
I’m getting aggressive about dealing with this ongoing sinus issue, because it is driving me towards madness. Today I was able to breath for 8-10 hours and got so much done, it was great. If I can sleep a good long sleep tonight and breath again tommorow, that would be the beginnings of sanity being restored.