Everyone is cheap. Everyone lets me down. No one can be trusted. Nobody gives a shit. No one understands. Everyone’s world revolves around themselves. Can you blame them? Human nature baby. I love it, when my mood starts to switch up and i start leaning on people, just to get hurt or crushed or let down. Its awesome. I wish i could remember how fucking shallow everyone will always be, so i can stop investing time into nothing. Nobody cares, and i shouldnt expect them to.
Too bad i hate life and myself enough to care about myself as much as everyone else does. Nobody will ever be able to fulfill me anyway. Even if someone was to try, i wouldnt even know what i wanted from someone. I just hate life sometimes, and wish i could just have financial freedom to do as i please. Or my dreams in life blew up and i could work on actual passions, instead of working a shitty 9-5, like the slave of a system i am. Or maybe one of these days i can cut into one of my vanes and pass out and bleed to death, or crash my car again but this time succeed in killing myself instead of just throwing myself into endless debt.
What is it i am looking for in life? I dont understand. I dont enjoy being happy, i will never trust people.. Seems like nowadays i just want to be as depressed as humanly possible. Maybe my girlfriend will tell me shes cheating on me or something one of these days, and it can finally push me to just killing myself, because thats the only future i can realistically depend on.
God forbid i told someone in my life how i truly feel. It would just be selfish as fuck anyway. I dont want sympathy, or basic help. I can get the standard pep talk about how great life is, and how they are always there for me ha. Bullshit.. It would just be me testing out how long before i push them away. No.. What i want is to continually drag my soul in the fucking dirt. My own little war, nobody else needs to get involved, than eventually i can push myself to leaving this boring life. Ive already accepted the fact that i am selfish, lazy, and unable to sustain an independent life anymore. I am a failure waiting my own death. I blame myself more than the world around me.
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If your girlfriend is cheating on you, I mean.. yeah you are gonna feel bad at first, but honestly if she would do that then you don’t need her. I help myself by building up feelings of “You are better than the competition, so this girl needn’t cheat on you.” Because like you said,, everyone is cheap, everyone is fake, they all want to be king of the world, so in a way at least you acknowledge the downfall but you are better than the competition, because you are not cheap and you are not fake, you are real and you are you in all of your guts and glory. But then again, some girls are very changeable and can snap into moods here and then gone that could be encouraging her to cheat. You tell her how you feel, and always do what is right for you. And how come girls attract to d*uchebags anyway? I don’t enjoy happiness either I think the word is synonymous for dumb. Like the Nirvana song “I think I’m dumb.. or maybe just happy. I think I’m just happy.”
What would you want in life instead of happiness? I never understood spreading happiness and positivity in the world. Its all bullshit anyway, everyone is selfish. For me its just comfort, or financial freedom. I like creativity and i just want to pursue that which is my true passion (music/writing). Although i dont want money in the sense of most people, where their lives revolve around it as if it was the meaning of life.
All the happiness I can get seems to be very fragile but I agree with your last paragraph because I am more or less in the same way I rely on fucking SSDI for which I probably don’t deserve people of this site probably already know who I am based off the data mining, data hacking and data tracking and what please someone who controls this site kill me peacefully but I know you won’t that is why I won’t post anymore real information about where I live.
Life is pain, pleasure, and suffering just rinse, wash, and repeat. I don’t know if I will ever be happy please just mercy kill me and or assisted suicide and euthanize me even though I may regret it and if God does exist forgive my sins and send me to Annihilation and forgive my unbelief because I can’t believe just on faith I need good reason and evidence or by some miracle kill me peacefully and painlessly for I am unworthy of existence.
The only good thing I can say to you is at least you don’t walk around and talk to yourself my mother wants me to take another medication to somehow disable that ability I don’t hear voices unless I am high off weed what medication suppresses the ability to walk and talk to yourself? It is just something I do. But I do agree human nature truly is fucked I couldn’t even kill myself on Benadryl don’t do that by the way you’ll regret it honestly I wish I was dead too sometimes I actually had my first suicide attempt it just sucks we have to be slaves to our fucking nature to by the system that enslaves us all for the system we invented for ourselves for that which does protect us but it ultimately enslaves us fuck existence right?
I actually had really bad allergic reactions years back on benadryl where my throat almost closed.
I took a whole pillbox to where I felt like I couldn’t breath and gravity felt really heavy because of it and in that panic I got a text message from my mom and ofc I texted her back and led me to this whole fucked up reality of my own making and also because I let some guy make me want to kill myself because he said he’s mentally ill really really mentally ill fuck that is why I don’t like mentally well people because they make me want to kill myself even more I don’t need some telling me about mental illness especially if they never had it before shit I wish you were allowed to legally and peacefully kill me but we can’t do that in the states.
I feel you…. People are selfish, it’s a fact…