knowing i’m living out my last days is surreal. i can’t tell anyone about it so let me tell you. i drop little hints because i can’t help it, maybe part of me wants to be saved. but at the very least i find it hard to lie about having future plans, new years resolutions, any sort of interest in an existence beyond a handful of days; these days im taking to say goodbye without people knowing i’m saying goodbye and to compile my last work. sure, i’m afraid. part of me is nagging, worried this might not be the right decision, to die. but mostly i’m afraid that i won’t be able to go through with my plan. that i’ll back out, but with the consequences of that decision weighing on me, i feel compelled to follow through. it looks like this is really it. it’s like that feeling when you’re a kid and it’s the last few days of school, that feeling on steroids. the tone of finality. the rush from the known to the unknown. have a good summer. see you never.
i’m almost excited.
2 comments
Well I do hope you find a good worthwhile reason to stick a round for longer. But on the other hand, I do understand how the world can overcome a man and I do so understand why you would want to go.
The 6th of last October I was determined to end it. I “knew” I was going to do it that night and I would have. Knowing that you’re already taking you last breaths, spending your last minutes is an undesirable feeling but I also felt joy, happy that soon I would never have to feel this bad again. I already collected my booze, pills and a few other things and was headed to my car but I stopped to write about it here ( you can see one of my last post). If I wouldn’t have stopped to write about it I would be dead now but as I sat by my computer I got disturbed by a person who ruined my “mood” and took it all away from me.
I still haven’t thanked her and I don’t intend to for I am not thankful. This level of determination is rare to come by and I haven’t gotten my “mood’ back yet. So until then I have to remain here. If you will still be around please share your experience with us ( only if you want to). otherwise, good luck. Maybe we will meet in hell if you go there. I know I am for sure.
Hey
Just wanted to say: I know life can be really difficult and painful. But I hope you find some reason(s) to live on. I hope you feel better. I hope life becomes less harrowing for you.
Please take care