I think the title says it all. I am curious what anybody would do in my situation. I feel beyond repair: aged 28, living with parents after graduating with engineering degree. Yes, still live with parents at my age.
I am hitting a brick wall here. I am currently working a stressful cafe job where the manager already expects so much of me. The work has too many chiefs and few indians. I really am puzzled what anybody would do or if there is a reason to keep living this extremely difficult life and battle toe-to-toe with this existence, seeing that things still doesn’t show promising results after so many trials and tribulations.
So basically, my whole 10 years have been shit. Since emigration, after starting studying, my anxiety became too much that I could not even talk to people without getting self conscious. I suffer self consciousness, awareness, ocd, depression, mood swings, and more…
If it is not the depression and anxiety beating me to a pulp, it is the chronic pain. Since 3 years ago, I started getting severe dental pain in my left side. Root canal followed, now my dental situation is getting out of hand. All the back teeth start to hurt and getting sensitive? What now? I am only 28. The only solution would be to pull all the back left teeth and get either costly implants or dentures, and losing my dignity all-together; and that is if I have over 30 000 USD for the implants I need – while all the other 28 year olds with their beautiful smiles sharing the good health they have, and I look at them in envy. I always was known for my beautiful smile, and now I cannot even smile anymore. It really destroys me inwardly.
So, now where is my dignity? Everyone in my family would know I have dentures. It really becomes so much for me that I cannot smile anymore. I have taken such good care of my pearly whites, but bad luck followed and I am not far from losing a whole bunch of them. With this, I work a 6 to 8 job in a cafe with a dictator as a manager grinding me to perform under severe stress. I am waking up every morning asking myself why I let myself go through with this. And yet again, I am too much of a coward to commit suicide I guess. I want the right materials and equipment. I think it is stupid nevertheless that I am this pedantic about suicide methods. But this is my life: A horned dilemma.
I was severely depressed after the root canal, and I am still unable to live with myself. I guess after you lose your teeth there is nothing left to live for. If your dental health or facial health is troublesome, what is there left to live for? Why would you blame me taking my own life after such an uphill battle to get through the day?
Would you really think suicide is unfair in this situation? Shouldn’t I be granted a right to die? What have I done to be born and not having the right to exit? If not, what would you do in my situation? I do not have benefit in my current country. You get what you work for here…
Please give me one good, cohesive reason why I should not commit suicide…
P.S. I would enjoy it if clipped wings, day2day, and soda can reply to this. They always have good thoughts.
2 comments
I don’t know if I can convince you not to die, nor am I sure that I want to. It’s your decision.
What you said relates to my situation in this way: at 30 years old I am entirely dependent on others to exist, 90 hours into my 140 hour undergraduate degree. This is just a stepping stone to the next goal of graduate school, followed by internship and becoming self sufficient. I spent 13 years of work, 3 breakdowns and a divorce getting here. I’m not as healthy as I used to be (physically), but emotionally I’m sticking around for the future.
The key is to not look at what others my age or any age are doing. I’ve met people worse off (no college, homeless, starving) and I’ve met people who seem to be doing better (have kids, fulfilling career, finished school in their 20s, not needing outside help to function.)
The thing is that none of that matters. The trick to survival is to discard that which doesn’t help and seek out things that do. Comparing my life to others or sometimes even observing others is a quick path to depression. Finding what makes me feel like life is worthwhile is highly productive.
It’s awful, the feeling of all the time, money and so on lost. If only it could have been prevented right? But time machines don’t exist, and thinking about such things makes people more depressed. It is the depression that you are fighting, not the job and not the world. Depression is an enemy, and when a thought is depressive it needs to be removed, or at least identified.
Most of all, do what can be done, not what cannot. No one has figured out body switching, so any one person cannot live a different life. The past cannot be changed. Other people are difficult to control, but controlling yourself is possible.
Reevaluate, slow down and find something worth focusing on to think about. When I first started climbing out of depression it was because a movie I wanted to see was six months away. That was worth putting up with my life. Now I want to graduate, and see where my life goes next.
Death is not just giving up, it’s missing out on what might have been. Given how much people like us regret not doing, we should understand how many more things would be missed out if we died. A corpse experiences no change, it returns to dirt. Dirt is almost never impressive or noticed by anyone.
I’m 31 and living at home. Severe acne scars from cystic acne. 4.5 inch penis. Anxiety and depression. Massive debt. The philosopher Cioran said those with no reason to live have no reason to die and this is how I see it. Suicide is increasingly becoming less desirable because I’ve endured this unhappiness for so long now. So if I were you I’d just resign to your fate. Toothless and sad.