But its not enough. I want to bleed out all my life. It barely subsides the pain and monotony i live with in my waking life. Sleep is unfortunately the only thing left for me. I dont want to get better, i want to fall as deep as possible into whatever this is. I want the cuts to show how fucked up i am, how much i hate it here. Maybe if i rebel and drown in this, things will turn out the way i want. Maybe not. I guess we will see.
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Until even our dreams become distorted by this withered existence. And nightmares become an escape, the worse, the better. You wake up saying “more!” I want more, more agony, more misery, more truth. Craving it so bad it makes your heart beat faster, your lungs inhale so deep you almost feel them collapse. And no amount is enough, we are granted our wish, yet fall so shallow when we feel it. It’s never enough, there is never enough pain.
This was an amazing read, thank you.
I don’t want to intrude but why do you hate yourself? What problems are you facing? If you don’t want to answer it is perfectly understandable to me.
I don’t think that was ranty. It takes courage to state all the things troubling you to a total stranger. Seems you and I have a lot more common than I thought. Mooching off parents, having no job, having nothing to do around the house and being stuck in what appears to be a trap with no way out is eating up my psyche. We all want better for ourselves but there seems to be no way out, like a black hole where everything goes in but none comes out.
Haha nice analogy. It seems we do have a lot in common, glad theres someone else to relate to here.