I have an application on my phone called the Luna Diary. That is where I write what I’m feeling today, but it’s not like any ordinary diaries where you will read what happened today and the extraordinary revelations that happened in the current time. What I actually write in there are my suicide notes from every time I am having an episode. Similar to today, I am currently experiencing one while writing this description. Since my phone is broken, I’ll just have to make this as my temporary Luna app. I guess no one will even take notice to this anyway. (There is an audio file below, might as well play it for additional atmosphere.)
Here is an example of a suicide note given to the hospital by myself. This was on the 26th of November 2016. The email was dead anyway so no one was able to read the note. So I’ll just share it here. Here goes:
The hospital makes me wonder why I make it as my comfort zone. I have been in that hospital since I was small because of my asthma. More like I’m still asthmatic, but here’s the main point. I am very suicidal these nights, I have already visited a psychiatrist there, her name is Dr Violeta. Yes, she consulted me some pieces of advice, even gave me an anti-depressant, but it was no help at all. I have this Doctor since I was young, I consider her as a family, even her secretary, Emmy. The doctor, Dr Rhodora, is like family to me. She was there all the time, of course, she is a doctor, but I have this feeling that I feel very comfortable when I am in the hospital.
2 comments
Hi-I want to read all you wrote + understand, but the music got too creepy for me, and I couldn’t figure out how to shut it off (it came back on by itself)…Please summarize what you wish to express here. And I hope you can locate a caring person that listens/reads + responds to you.
You wrote,”I guess no one will even take notice to this anyway.”-
Wrong, I DID. And I suspect some of your other self-defeating feelings/remarks are wrong too–> That’s what happens when people are depressed and/or feeling suicidal, all kinds of lies fill their minds, about themselves. Happens to everyone! – You just need to have the good sense to remind yourself that it is lies (voices in your head trying to convince you of many reasons you should not stay alive) – ALWAYS UNREASONABLE OR INVALID OR COMPLETELY FALSE THOUGHTS. Hope you understand what Im writing and the truth Im telling you, which is you deserve to be a alive, you are unique and special, and people do care to listen to what you want to say…Hidden on an online forum certainly not the best way to validate our worth – which is why I need to go now – try to face the outside world, to validate my life and existence. Hope you do the same, and clear your mind of negative, scary or self-defeating thoughts, today. Take Care.
Are you feeling the same way as well? There is no chance of motivating me, about life if the one I’m talking to has low self-esteem to themselves too. It’s a useless, endless loop.