I’m ashamed

  January 13th, 2019 by Spottedjaguar

I’ve had depression/anxiety as a result of childhood trauma for over 15 years. This is the first time I’ve ever posted about this, anywhere online, not because I haven’t wanted to but because I’m so ashamed. I’m ashamed about a lot of things. Things I’ve done to keep myself safe (I’m in a long term and positive relationship with my first and only lover, because it’s taken me years to trust someone that much to allow them to get close to me, physically and emotionally). I’m ashamed of being a yoyo of emotions and randomness, sometimes depressed, sometimes anxious, sometimes suicidal, sometimes doing ok. I’m ashamed that I’m still grappling with trauma from childhood (abusive father) in my 30s. I’m ashamed that I’ve used over work and out under work to cope. I feel ashamed that I often thinking about killing myself, but Ive never had the guts to try it out. I’m ashamed that from the outside, I look like a functioning human being (whatever that is), but im actually just good at faking it and on the inside I’m often failing apart. Most of all, I’m so ashamed that this is still going on for so long. Im on medications, and seeing a therapist. I get relief sometimes, but then it comes back. I want to know, does it ever get better? Does it ever just go away? I watch other people and I see them respond to stuff in their lives with emotions, like grief if someone dies, etc., but do others walk around in the limbo twilight zone I walk around in most days? Do others feel shame?

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