I’ve had depression/anxiety as a result of childhood trauma for over 15 years. This is the first time I’ve ever posted about this, anywhere online, not because I haven’t wanted to but because I’m so ashamed. I’m ashamed about a lot of things. Things I’ve done to keep myself safe (I’m in a long term and positive relationship with my first and only lover, because it’s taken me years to trust someone that much to allow them to get close to me, physically and emotionally). I’m ashamed of being a yoyo of emotions and randomness, sometimes depressed, sometimes anxious, sometimes suicidal, sometimes doing ok. I’m ashamed that I’m still grappling with trauma from childhood (abusive father) in my 30s. I’m ashamed that I’ve used over work and out under work to cope. I feel ashamed that I often thinking about killing myself, but Ive never had the guts to try it out. I’m ashamed that from the outside, I look like a functioning human being (whatever that is), but im actually just good at faking it and on the inside I’m often failing apart. Most of all, I’m so ashamed that this is still going on for so long. Im on medications, and seeing a therapist. I get relief sometimes, but then it comes back. I want to know, does it ever get better? Does it ever just go away? I watch other people and I see them respond to stuff in their lives with emotions, like grief if someone dies, etc., but do others walk around in the limbo twilight zone I walk around in most days? Do others feel shame?
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I think lots of people feel shame, including people society deems popular and successful. I attended some group therapy sessions last year, and had kind of expected the others to be losers, the way I saw myself. But they were people I would normally look up to and find intimidating, and several of them seemed to be struggling with quite low self-esteem. I suppose there is some truth to the saying that you should never judge a book by its cover.
I used to be on antipsychotics (and in therapy), and I just remember being sort of numb and not really feeling like I was making any progress.
After I (slowly) came off medication, life started to feel more real (often uncomfortably so). Even though I may not be making much progress, at least I feel like I kind of own my misery.
I have also found some encouragement in Jordan Peterson’s description of life as suffering. Maybe people these days simply have too high expectations for life. Life just isn’t gonna be like some commercial, all airbrushed and neat. You just kind of have to muddle on.
And the big studies on happiness seem to agree that what really makes for a happy life is close relationships with other people and doing activities that feel meaningful to you/serve a higher purpose.
Abusive father, feeling ashamed, not allowing people to get close, being functional but at the same time not really… Yep, pretty much me. Except I am a bit younger and I dont treat it with any medication or therapy (yet?) except for the tons of weed that I smoke.
I don’t really know. I don’t consider myself depressed but everyday I fake being confident but it gets very tiring
I’m sorry about how you feel
I’ve been through some trauma here and there I try to push it out of the way but I do find when exposed to more trauma that my suicidality increases, or when I remember past trauma. Oh, it doesn’t matter much though because I get very very very very happy when I think about suicide. I always have gotten happy especially when I learned what suicide was. Right then and there I knew that was the thing for me! I guess I’m ashamed of myself because I used to be more productive and walk 6 miles each day.. but I.. just don’t anymore. I’m extremely uninterested in coupling and partners but I guess I feel shame cause I used to walk and read and all that now I just sit in my car and smoke cigarettes. Mostly probably because I hate society and people out there. I usually think they want to or will attack me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been anywhere near happy, and I don’t see that changing. But at least I have a friend in suicide. Til death do we part.
Oh I also wanted to say, be careful on those meds I’ve only ever seen them harm people. Lots of people who start on meds and it goes from harmless curiosity about taking their lives to acting on it, so… watch yourself very closely….. uh….. yeah
Hey, man. That’s a really, REALLY long time to be dealing with that, I’m SO sorry. That’s unbelievable. Believe me, there is hope. There’s ALWAYS hope. You need to speak to a therapist. Don’t let fear and shame control you. Please. There are people who will reach out to you if you talk to them. The hardest thing to do is open up. Please.