I’m perfect. I have the body every girl wants, I am crazy smart, and I play a lot of sports. I was only in the seventh grade and I would wake up 5:30 everyday, even on weekends just to go to my volleyball, boxing, basketball or whatever it was sport practice. I got 80% or above in any subject, and I actually understood what the frick I was doing in my math class. I had friends, a loving family, and I lived in a community that loved and accepted me for who I was.
I hated it. I wear clothes that fit in my breast area and loose in my stomach area so my belly fat doesn’t show. I spend 3-4 hours sleeping to make sure I am top in class, my friends and family is constantly judging things I do, and are always spreading negativity towards me. I wake up early and pretend to work out, but then in reality I would just sit in my balcony doing nothing but stare at the sky. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like for wings just to sprout out of my back and I could fly, fly anywhere in the world. I’d fly toward the sun, just close enough so I’d always feel warm, but not so hot I’d burn.
Now, where do I begin? I tried to kill myself in 2018 when I was 12! Ha, who does that? Oh yeah, me! I guess it all started when I couldn’t go to boxing anymore because of my shoulder injury. Boxing was the only sport I actually cared about. Others I went just so I could hang with friends, because they never invited me anywhere else! Toxic relationships, am I right? Anyways, when boxing went away, I had a lot more free time. I realized at this point maybe, instead of waiting for my friends to invite me to places, I should invite them. After a couple hundred times of them rejecting me with lazy excuses, I low key got the memo. I started realizing how, they would give ‘the stare’. You know ‘the stare’ where they look at you with pure disgust, they never listen to your opinion, your always walking behind them in the sidewalk. But whatever, I could deal.
My parents are great, except I realized how they never really talked to me? I have trust issues with my family because my uncle molested me, and I feel if I tell them that they would tell me to cover up more you know, the regular victim blaming. Because they always victim blame. There was never a day where my mom taught me to always act like others! Weird right? Because parents are suppose to encourage kids to be their selves. Well No! My mom is the exact opposite, she says to act like how others are acting around me. They’re homophobic and low-key sexist too, so yea.
Anyways I started to realize how literally worthless I was. I was no use to anyone. I thought everyone hated me. I used to believe in god. Until he decided to give me depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts on a silver plate. Whatever. I felt really empty. Like very , very worthless. I started crying so much. I hurt so much, and I told no one. Being perfect has it’s consequences Like for example, if you tell anyone your problems, they will look at you with pure disappointment before saying, “You wouldn’t know a real problem if it hit you in the face.” I couldn’t talk to people without somebody judging me. (I’m crying a bit at this point btw) But you know what hurt the most? The area right below my thumb, whenever I laid in bed and cried it would hurt so, so much. To this day, when I press on the area, it still hurts a lot. Anyways, I started to feel less pain and more empty. I faked my feelings so much, I was practically an actor.
I then started scratching myself. In the shower I would scratch my legs till they bled, I was so sad once I scratched my arm. I blamed it on a burn.
One day, I started thinking things like, “Hey you know what I should kill myself” Yea, I went there. And no one knew I was there. I was so alone on my journey. Don’t get me wrong. I wanted to speak, but every time I opened my mouth to say something, I felt like a burden. The person I would talk to would just say, “You wouldn’t know a real problem if it hit you in the face.” What is wrong with people? I actually have a problem with being human. We will always having problems, every single human has problems, and only some people have to take that problem and create it into something bigger, a smaller amount of people will have to keep that problem. That problem is literally depression, only some take it so far to suicide.
Anyways, enough about my actual depression, let’s sink into suicide. Wait sorry, never mind. I’ll do it tomorrow, I have to sleep now.
7 comments
I’m sorry you’re in so much pain, it sounds like a pretty lonely place and a pretty high standard that you’re holding yourself to. I can relate to not connecting, it’s been my life for awhile. Most people don’t notice what is going on with others unless that person makes it inconvenient to ignore. That’s a hard bar because the inherent sexism in western society makes it ignore or degrade the opinions and feelings of women, worse still with teenage girls.
I wouldn’t even know about it if it weren’t for my sister in law. She’s been suffering from serious depression since age 13 or so, four or five hospitalizations here we are. It’s weird being depressed in a family with someone sicker, but that’s me. I didn’t get to full depression until sophomore year of high school, age 17 and after a decade of medications for ADHD. Everyone said that I was really smart, but my school life didn’t reflect that until this year (I’m in university at age 30, never too late.)
You sound pretty smart, and it’s common for others to assume that you can cope. They probably need to be told that you’re going under, that it’s too much to cope with and help is needed. There’s no shame in asking for help, and nothing lost if the right help doesn’t come right away.
Which isn’t to say I’m trying to talk you out of anything. You do you, if that’s the end of things then I hope the first try is successful. If on the other hand you’re looking for any out and death looked like the most effective, there are easier ways out than that. I’ve been trying to die for 8 years, it’s a fricken project that takes immense planning to do well. Meanwhile mental health treatment usually involves staff that is understanding and will do most of the work of making sure things happen.
Likewise, I’m sorry for what you went through and then fake friends and mean family members. Kids in public school can be pretty cruel sometimes.
It’s possible that people were spreading lies/rumors about you in order to damage your reputation and cause people to not want to be your friend. I see this as a form of bullying.
About your uncle molesting you, I’d recommend telling someone that you really trust like a teacher. I don’t think it’s fair for pedos to get away with their crimes but the decision to report him to the police or someone else is up to you.
Whether or not your family believes you is a different matter. If I was in your position I personally wouldn’t hesitate.
I’d advise searching for now friends and if you feel that it won’t happen, then the best thing to do is to switch schools. I was fortunate that my family moved every so often so if I got a bad rep somewhere I could reinvent myself and it allowed me to start fresh and make new friends.
You sound like a very nice person-don’t harm yourself, you get enough abuse from everyone else. You’re not the problem they are and see them as your enemy.
Getting back to your family for a second, perhaps your mother would support you, not just in dealing with your uncle but also offering advice regarding your personal life.
I know it can be very overwhelming when you’re young. I’ve had some rough experiences as well, but I’d take things too personally and was hard on myself. Only when I got older did I realize I have my own strength/power and I learned to deal with shitty people head on. It is liberating to stand up for yourself.
If you can’t do boxing, there are many other sports, hobbies that you can get into which I’m sure you’ll enjoy just as much. I was on the soccer and badminton teams and was also part of the science and history club. Overall I had a lot of fun and made many new friends that way.
I forgot to proof-read, here are some corrections:
-and THE fake…
-search for NEW friends…
Apart from feeling rejected by family and friends, I think sleeping only 3-4 hours per night is a sure road to depression for most people.
I personally need 7-9 hours just to be fairly stable.
Anyway, good luck with everything.
You really should report your uncle, he doesn’t deserve to get away with molesting you.
I’m sorry about how others have treated you. Yup thats why I don’t tell others about my problems. People are so judgmental.
I first became suicidal when I was 12, but I had half the things going for me as you do (if not anything.) That was around the time that I realized suicide was my only option and that I would complete the job when I turned 18. I had no real friends, no real family and I had no hobbies, interests, and I didn’t care about school. My life was empty, just like the emptiness I found in everyone around me. I just got used to it and got happy about knowing I had the ability to complete a goal (commit)
Also I’m a homosexual, but I do not practice because I don’t have a soul. So it’s kind of sad to me that your parents or family whatever are openly homophobic because I can tell you I get tortured on a day by day basis for being homosexual. I just remind myself they don’t know me. It’s mosrly quiet harassment but follows me like a ghost.
Then these random people started putting me in counseling because I was messing with a blade one day and I gently cut myself it was the most traumatic thing and I decided I’d have no f*cking thing to do with counselors for the rest of my short life. But it goes worse, even after I became an adult they still wanted all the control, they started force feeding me pills and shoving needles into my veins with “MEDICINE” it did not heal me (…of wanting to murder myself, apparently) I have suspicion they were trying to heal me of being gay. (Like gay conversion therapy they’d use back in hitter era) I just learned to ignore them and that it is my life, since I’ve never gave two sh*ts about these people who only really exist in my dead mind, and that if that’s what I want to commit then I’m not losing anything at all. Then they started giving me medical diagnosis of retarded. And when I turned 22 they wouldn’t let me drive out of city limits, I tried to leave town and they responded by taking my license away. It was either leave town or kill myself, you know? I’m too old to waste my life with these soul eating maggots. But you learn over time, they’re all the same. None of them are nice people and you’ll always get treated like sh*t.
It takes a strong will to really go through with suicide. So you’re young, stay focused on brighter things because you’ll never be like us. As much as we can tell, you are just wasting your potential.