Today…. ugg. My fiance’s cat came into my office which was supposed to be my quiet space, a safe area, refuge from this world. I had my school bag and a coat that my granddad (who since died) gave me. He had super gross poops all over it, horrible, fricken heart breaking and I wanted to die, but I can’t die because it would upset people so much.
I just…. want a refuge from the cruelty. Somewhere that the nonsense of the world can’t get in. Sometimes I fantasize about buying a cold war era missile bunker, 6 floors underground and just hunkering down in it. All of them are super rural and so I’d be at least a few acres away from the next human, and 6 floors underground…. sounds like heaven to me. Oh and the earth means that the building regulates temperature way better…. anyway, that’s a dream I can’t see a way to make happen.
I’m losing pleasure from a significant amount of things. Even having success at school is getting meaningless, there’s no challenge here apart from prying out enough time to get the work done.
It’s getting cold again, I think about going out and sitting in the cold until I pass out. Maybe I’d live, but it would be nice to sleep and imagine I might not wake up.
I called the hotline today and they told me they had horrible call volume, and my suicidal desire is chronic…. which just verified that no one gives a damn if I push off, maybe tonight? Not sure. It’s awfully tempting.
8 comments
You’re too busy to die tonight. Sure, the idea sounds good, but you’re too busy my man. You’ve got a lot going on, and I doubt you could just walk away from it that easily. Enjoy the thought of it, revel in it, bask in it, purr like a cat in it, but let it go.
It’s like a blissful desire, like I could end it on my terms when I’m winning but just sick of it. It would be like singing a song at the Grammies and then dropping the Mic and never releasing another album… just going out with them wanting more. It’s surprisingly common for music artists, lucky bastards.
*shrug* I probably won’t though. I turned in my silly assignment for tomorrow and packed my school bag, all indicators that I probably won’t walk out into the cold and never be seen again.
Then again, I worked on some practical steps… like I know where there are some abandoned yards and such within a short walk… Eh, no glory in that I guess.
My rampant ego is all that is keeping me alive anymore…. the same thing that makes me want to die, the whole selfishness thing. Whenever I try to detach from my desires the first to come back is death… the rest are distant and seem petty by comparison.
Thanks though, it’s a good word of encouragement. I’m probably being a grump….
Be careful what you wish for. I got kinda that bunker you want, its trashed, I’m too depressed to clean up, nobody ever comes over, im lonely every day, and the place looks and smells like the lair of some savage beast….
What kind? I’m always curious about these sorts of things….
I would say a good refuge is in your head. You’re always alone in there. Well, unless you have schizophrenia. Ha ha.
Always alone is the course of treatment for depression. We face crisis alone, use coping skills alone. Depression means feeling alone even when among people. The issue is that I’m alone in a cramped house living with messy people. I don’t think I would mind so much if I could escape…. but that’s a pipe dream at the moment.
I think you should look into Metacognitive therapy (MCT):
guilford.com/books/Metacognitive-Therapy-for-Anxiety-and-Depression/Adrian-Wells/9781609184964
Here’s a sample chapter from the book:
guilford.com/excerpts/wells.pdf