As I sit here, listening to Bohemian Rhapsody, my cold hands trying to remember the placement of letters on the keyboard– I contemplate death.
I want it to end. For too long I have sustained this shell without hope, happiness and peace. It’s hard-living. I am what people in my country would call comfortably-off. I have a job that I hate. It’s going nowhere. My ambition to live up to my potential isn’t going to work. I can feel it. And I hate it. But to be fair, I hate most things. I hate people, I hate the way they are petty and jealous, greedy, dishonest. And I include myself in all these categories. I have tried to rise above it, maybe not let it affect me so much, but it keeps coming back. You climb a mountain only to see a hundred others have risen in its place. It’s struggle after struggle, challenge after challenge, problem after problem… I hate it.
I don’t know if it happens with other people but whenever I am surrounded by people, I feel drained of energy. Their presence is literally like a thousand needles shooting through my body. Being alone can be a relief but it is short-lived.
I got married recently. For some people, the euphoria doesn’t wear off for a long time. Suffice it to say, I wasn’t even joyous on the day I got married.
Perhaps I was always too sensitive. Ever since I was a child, I couldn’t handle my emotions. So I did what anyone else would do to survive. I shut off my emotions–the pleasant ones–because I was afraid. And now, all I feel is irritation, sadness and emptiness.
I have brief moments where I feel joy but they aren’t enough to bear the burden of this senseless living and struggling.
Why live, what for?
In the end, it all ends. Even those who think history will remember their great deeds are fooling themselves. Human history too shall be forgotten in time.
I think I am depressed. I have multiple scars from self harm. But I don’t think I will be harming myself again. It’s better to end life rather than bear marks for others to see.
Maybe I’ll starve myself to death. Maybe drug myself and slash my wrists. I don’t know what I am going to do. But it’s probably going to happen.
Thanks for reading.
2 comments
It’s hard to make a decision on how, when, where to kill yourself and that’s plays a big part in why we are all here. We are all confused and hurt and some of us want to end our lives. If only it was so simple.. I always wanted to commit by gunshot but I don’t think I can legally access guns anymore (I usually have groups of cops following me on any regular day) or else I’d risk it (last time I tried gunshot I was followed then hospitalized for 28 days, raped in the hospital, I broke my neck, etc)… I’ve spent the last three years looking for a different way to commit suicide but by far the best is gunshot .. so it’s a struggle. I have another method but I have a hard time getting away from whiny brats for a moment to finish the job and kill myself. I’m at that place where I don’t know if there is anything else I need to do before committing.. but I’m half sure there really isn’t. I’ll be so glad to be gone, so so glad.
I ask myself the question why people would come here to post. Is it to find soul-mates, knowing you are not alone. Or is it to find help getting better? I can understand the first option, but surely hope it is also the last option.
Suicide is not really an answer to any problem. Just the end of it all for yourself. Not for the people surrounding you. I hope people will try to cope with depression. Its a true illness, an awfull one, but there are things you can do or at least try. Anti-depressants arent always the answer, sometimes therapy works, but if you use anti depressant, please find the best docter around. There are so many types, and all can make you feel different; suicidal included. If one medicine isnt working for you, go back to the docter untill you find a better one. Dont stop anti depressants cold turkey; it will cause lots of side effects.