Im back here after about 9 years. Had a quite an interesting journey through life, thought I had this behind me, but now I’m worse than ever. I’ve been lurking on this page for quite some time , feeling the desire to write something, express myself, but I was always put off by the prospect of writing sth, getting a few anonymous words of support, and then my message disappearing in the flood of posts couple of days later. The pointlessness of it. But now, I’m looking for something, or rather someone. Someone to talk to. But someone who goes through similar sort of feelings that I do right now.
I don’t want to get bogged down by details of the story, it’s the general scenario I’m looking after. I’m looking for someone who feels as trapped as I am. Im looking for someone who spent his/her teenage years/youth depressed, feeling like they dont belong, dreaming of (and attempting) suicide, feeling like things will never get better, that they are just too fucked up and circumstances are too difficult to overcome. And yet, somehow, they made it. They got out of it. With demons of their past just a step behind them, but they built a future. Quite a nice one, definetly one that was unthinkable then. And now, just looking at superficial things, they have it not bad. I, for example, am married with a person I love (or loved, before the egocentric feelings of self-hate and suffering poisoned and desolated my emotions) and with whom I am really well matched, i am quite secure financially, I’m in a process of growing my company, I had some accomplishments that I can boast about in my life (much less than i’d like to, but still). So, they have all that, they feel like it can only get better, and then… something happened. It could be sth major or sth much more subtle…but suddenly they went straight back to how they felt then. Just when they wanted to finally transcend their past and all their failings they fell into the worst pits of depression. And suddenly they feel again like this fucked up, pathetic kid, and not the person they tried to be their whole adult life.
Oh, but now it’s so much worse then when you are a teen. You cant just go to your room, start crying and put on your favourite depressive band. Now you have responsibilities, commitments, bills to pay, mortgage, and you cant just implode. And yet, you feel like you really cant take this shit anymore. That it’s one fall too many.And noone can really help you, except yourself. And you’re too tired.
If what I wrote rings a bell and you want someone to talk with, bi*ch, and maybe, just maybe make a positive impact on each other lives, comment below and we’ll get in contact with each other.