So,
Im back here after about 9 years. Had a quite an interesting journey through life, thought I had this behind me, but now I’m worse than ever. I’ve been lurking on this page for quite some time , feeling the desire to write something, express myself, but I was always put off by the prospect of writing sth, getting a few anonymous words of support, and then my message disappearing in the flood of posts couple of days later. The pointlessness of it. But now, I’m looking for something, or rather someone. Someone to talk to. But someone who goes through similar sort of feelings that I do right now.
I don’t want to get bogged down by details of the story, it’s the general scenario I’m looking after. I’m looking for someone who feels as trapped as I am. Im looking for someone who spent his/her teenage years/youth depressed, feeling like they dont belong, dreaming of (and attempting) suicide, feeling like things will never get better, that they are just too fucked up and circumstances are too difficult to overcome. And yet, somehow, they made it. They got out of it. With demons of their past just a step behind them, but they built a future. Quite a nice one, definetly one that was unthinkable then. And now, just looking at superficial things, they have it not bad. I, for example, am married with a person I love (or loved, before the egocentric feelings of self-hate and suffering poisoned and desolated my emotions) and with whom I am really well matched, i am quite secure financially, I’m in a process of growing my company, I had some accomplishments that I can boast about in my life (much less than i’d like to, but still). So, they have all that, they feel like it can only get better, and then… something happened. It could be sth major or sth much more subtle…but suddenly they went straight back to how they felt then. Just when they wanted to finally transcend their past and all their failings they fell into the worst pits of depression. And suddenly they feel again like this fucked up, pathetic kid, and not the person they tried to be their whole adult life.
Oh, but now it’s so much worse then when you are a teen. You cant just go to your room, start crying and put on your favourite depressive band. Now you have responsibilities, commitments, bills to pay, mortgage, and you cant just implode. And yet, you feel like you really cant take this shit anymore. That it’s one fall too many.And noone can really help you, except yourself. And you’re too tired.
If what I wrote rings a bell and you want someone to talk with, bi*ch, and maybe, just maybe make a positive impact on each other lives, comment below and we’ll get in contact with each other.
4 comments
It’s familiar in a way…. I started being depressed at 17, pulled out somewhere between 18-19, back in at 21(divorce), pulled out and went back to school at 22, etc etc, somewhere around 28 everything crumpled, my career went straight to heck and I had a nervous breakdown that left me in the hospital. That was three years ago. In that time I’ve finished my associates degree, and I am a year and 9 months from finishing my bachelors. I’m financially doing pretty well (considering), own my home and the two vehicles I own have no debt, though they are old and not glamorous at all(well, one is a truck, where I live it’s pretty cool.)
I feel like I’m just holding on. If I hadn’t have seen your post I was going to write a post about that. I have a fiance and best friend living with me, as well as my friend’s little girl on weekends. I’m kind of the support post of the family, which is really frustrating considering how sick I am (or feel anyway.) Right now I’m pushing through a deadline for tomorrow morning, but if it sounds like we have stuff in common we could exchange email or something.
I don’t know what specifically I can offer, but I do solve problems both as a hobby and a profession. My studies are in computer science and psychology, and I’ve worked a little in both fields. I like helping people, it makes me feel useful, and useful is all that keeps me going most days.
I do feel that we have stuff in common. And especially one point in your timeline is eerily similar, the point where around 28 everything in your life went to hell. Well, my 28th birthday is 2 months away and I’m feeling the same thing. I think establishing contact would be a helpful thing, cause I really don’t wanna go down this route, and hey, maybe I’ll be useful in some way to you too. my email is clockworkmind@poczta.fm. Write me when you have some time and we’ll see how it goes
I attempted suicide twice, once at 18 and once at 23.
I’m now 36, married and I have two children, a house, a dog, retirement savings, etc.
My wife dislikes me now, but stays with me because I provide a nice life. If I were to get divorced, she would take the children and I would be alone. I have no friends really, but I love my children so much. With them gone, I’d have no reason to live. So I am stuck feeling miserable waiting for that sword to drop.
Hey,
I’m sorry to hear that. I guess until my recent breakdown I wasn’t really thinking about, even though it is not uncommon , how horrible it must feel to feel like this and be married with children, but it sounds so terrifying. On one hand, as you say, the children give you some reason to live, on the other hand, it really sounds so terrifying to me. That much responsibility and feeling so trapped. I feel trapped as fuck just being married and living in the same house with that person. I’d love to talk more and, as I mentioned in my original post, maybe, just maybe, we can help each other out somehow. If you want, write me on clockworkmind@poczta.fm