not dark, just empty

I feel like if I was well adjusted I would be happy… . as I write this I’m enjoying the clarity of a new monitor, the clear beauty of a perfect keyboard. I want to be happy about these things, and maybe I’ll succeed in purging my nervous frustration and be able to…

I’ve got a C in a class, which I know is acceptable to everyone else, but that’s the thing: not to me. I want an A, and now I feel like I need to fight ten times harder to not less this class slip….

I’ve got to figure out so many things; car repair, home repair, and so on and so on.

Meanwhile the pace is frantic for the next week or two at school. I have a huge parcel of work due in three days and 12 hours, realistically two days and 18 hours after I get my other projects done.

I have a big test tomorrow, and I think I’ve got it, but…. not sure. This dang class has me nervous

I’m not keeping up in my programming class because I keep getting good at it at the last minute. This pattern of easy work won’t hold though.

just… just….

I want to focus on now. Right now I’m sitting in a warm room, with hot food waiting for me. I think I’m going to go take a shower and self soothe, followed by moisurizer. I’ll finish the review one time tonight, again in the morning, and get to bed before 1 AM, That gives me a little time in the morning to putter around. I’ll lay out everything for my short road trip in the morning tonight.

Plan the work, work the plan. This is what I wanted, I’m just going to have to stay on point.

Two weeks left until I get to see the therapist again, hopefully he’ll help with my obsessing, my scattershot frustration. There’s not a dang thing to do about the work but get through it and try and enjoy it.

Sometimes I have to be my own comfort, and I guess that’s okay. I love the people in my life and all, but they aren’t me. They admire me when I’m strong, and I like that feeling…. this is the cost. I need to either learn to like things the way they are or express my needs more clearly to change the way the world treats me. Most likely it will take both to reach healthy balance… One step at a time on the journey of a thousand steps, at the end is my goal. It is worth it, I keep repeating to myself… I hope that for every unbalancing frustration there is an unsettling blessing, an unexpected bliss.

The trick for me is focus. My focus defines my reality. Right now, the pleasure of typing, the joy of my own space, and the assertiveness of imposing my will upon my schedule. These are good things. Maybe I’ll pull of a hat trick of a weekend and get to go to church on Sunday… it would be nice is what I’m saying. I long for community, for support outside of my tight knit family… Yet such longings create ambition, ambition creates success, success creates security, stability, and peace. All pain draws attention towards where work is needed. I need to work a significant amount, but that is because of the size of my dreams… All part of making life worth living, or so I hope.