Old Posts

Funny reading some of my older posts on here from a few years ago. Not sure why I always felt the need to excuse my inner demons with excuses such as “I live a good life, I have nothing to worry about”. Even if I did live the perfect life, we can’t help how we feel.

I’ve known who I am for a while. While I am trying to be more accepting of it, that doesn’t change any suicidal feelings. Whatever I am feeling, it must be chronic. I’ve thought of suicide at least once a day since I was a young child and that is a part of my identity. I am good about not acting the part, I get out and keep myself busy. College is wrapping up, I’m still with the love of my life, a career path is starting to present itself, and I am currently studying abroad on the other side of the world seeing its many wonders.

My parents are splitting though. I think that has tempered my suicidal thoughts to a degree. I’ve always been my worst during the good times and I do a little better when bad things are going on. But with acceptance of myself, I’ve stopped thinking about things like that. I don’t try to find a reason for suicide anymore, nor do I try to drastically change things. For a while I thought that the primal instinct to make my Dad proud was the reason, or at the very least my feelings stemmed from that relationship. Even if that is the case, it doesn’t matter as he has always made clear where we stand. I no longer feel the immense pressure to submit to him. I hope he doesn’t hate me because I still love him and I always will.

Whoever is reading this:

Good luck on your journey Friend and thanks for the read