I’ve been reading quietly on here for a while. I figure that’s how most people introduce themselves here on this site. I’ve been holding on too for a long time, longer than I care to admit, but the thing that has kept me here is finally over. No reasons to stay now. That final piece of light has finally been snuffed out, and I don’t know how long I’ll last without anything to light my way.
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Well… for what it may or may not be worth… I’ll share my light with ya’ for the time being! I have to warn you though, I suck at timely responses, I often sound like a robot that makes little sense at first glance, and I do have to sleep with a fan running at night… but if you’ll have that I’m willing 😀
Let’s chat about… whatever? I’m Keven, btw. Real name… I’m too sporadic to remember some online pseudonym.
What do ya’ say?
Thanks, honestly I really didn’t expect anyone to even respond. Thanks Kevin might be nice to have a friend.
Yes I have absolutely nothing to live for at all and I’ve never had a light not even a subtle glow yet I am still alive for Lord knows no reason… it’s not emotional and I am not losing anything by committing suicide. At this point I am just waiting for the right time. I have no earthly attachments, no friends, no family, no social activities, no possessions that mean anything to me. It’s just emptiness and the regular town bimbos.
Why?
Huh?
Feels like I’ve been waiting too it’s just now more than ever it seems like there is no reason not to.
Very hard feelings to have, I guess.. hard to work around those.
@cause-of-death-suicide – lol, it’s not a trick question, I promise. I’m not going to lie… it was a very conscious decision for me to post that to you, because I know that I could have said virtually anything and you would not have flinched. You are a great thinker, and can pick apart whatever is place before you; however, it is generally the most basic things to a thinker which make the least logical sense. Trust me, I’m right there with you, so I’m not judging. I was just curious as to what you would say. I still would like to know. So… Why? To any of what you said, or all of it. Simply, Why?
I guess I was in a bad mood. I have tough feelings sometimes. I always kind of think I’m better off dead and I have really bad nightmares and bad sleep all the time which usually points me towards suicide being the right choice for me… I also feel a lot like I am being watched or followed, in fact I have been followed a few times and I don’t know really know how to feel better about some of the situations I’ve been thrown into.. but a larger part of me knows that it wouldn’t matter should I commit the only thing that it would be is 1) I would be out of the rat race, 2) I wouldn’t have these nightmares and I wouldn’t have to try to get away from it. 3) I wouldn’t have to feel shame that I’m going nowhere in life and probably never will no matter how hard I try.. I mean I feel like im a waste of resources and I’ll never be able to support myself the way I’d hope to… also I’m just not afraid of dying.. when you got nothing you’ve got nothing to lose, I guess. No better feeling than you know beating the system, leaving what you hate behind, if that means you’ve got to commit to leave a town you don’t love or you know, anything… there’s a lot of times where suicide comes into the picture. I guess I’m just different that I don’t think it’s wrong to do [commit] it’s definitely not the worst thing to do and especially if you are a solo package then it really wouldn’t effect anyone else. I feel there’s so many people dying day in day out that why shouldn’t I be one of them… it won’t affect anything positively or negatively it would just get me out of the picture.. it is mostly just an idea to help myself if I can’t keep up.
I just read your response, but I want to give it all some more thought before I give it any kind of reply. I know that I’ll have to choose my words carefully, and as you’ve seen structure isn’t really my thing so I can’t just shoot from the hip; per usual. I just wanted to, at least, say this so you didn’t feel as though your time, energy, or effort had been wasted.
No no it doesn’t take any energy for me to use the site it is all I can do. I wrote this up real nice before I spewed about 2 gallons of vomit so it is true it might be jumbled.. ha, I really wasn’t feeling nice.
@cause-of-death-suicide
Fun fact Time…
• We are at our most honest when we speak or write while distracted, mentally preoccupied, or comfortably rambling. It tricks the brain into bypassing some of the mechanics which make us edit and second guess whatever it is we’re expressing.
• Zipf’s law states that given some corpus of natural language utterances, the frequency of any word is inversely proportional to its rank in frequency. 9 of your 10 most used words matched that; however, your most used word was actually No. 1112. That word was I, and the number of times the pronoun “I” is used by a person in conversation statistically correlates to that person’s level of depression and their social status.
• You did not use ANY words normally used to express positivity more than once.
• Your most used phrase was “wouldn’t have” which shows you are holding onto the past instead of looking toward the future.
Sometimes we learn the most about a person by asking the least and with no expectations.
My point in all this was not to put you on blast. On the contrary. It was to push away some of those defense mechanisms you readily, and tactfully use to keep yourself at arms length from a deeper connection. And… you know what… as far as I can tell… you’re a perfectly imperfect human just like the rest of us. 🙂
It’s okay to let go and not worry and over think all the time m8. Sometimes things like this are exactly what your soul needs. You seem like a solid individual. I’m glad you chose to take the time to reply so that I may poke around to get to understand you a bit better.
That’s actually really cool, where did you learn that?
@xrocketroxasx
Everywhere really. College, Reading White Papers, Watching Lectures, Life, etc.
Whether any of us admit it or not, we all have that one thing we use to distract ourselves for something. My distraction just happens to be learning. I don’t really care what it is. It just allows me to wash away the stresses of the day and to drift away to all these new ideas and possibilities. Learning is my escape drug. Unlike most drugs this one comes in handy sometimes, haha. Not only that, but I genuinely like getting to know people. Some of the most interesting things I’ve ever learned came from just talking with total strangers.
Speaking of strangers, I’m glad to see that you chose to stick around this place a bit longer. I know how hard it is to to tell yourself that this time may be different when you have 100000 previous lived experiences convincing you otherwise. So, you should give yourself props for that if you haven’t, because it would have just been easier for you not to respond.
I think, perhaps, there is still a bit more spark in you than you realize just yet 😉
@wickedapparition Thanks Kevin, I don’t feel much different but at least I’ve broken through to have someone to talk to that I don’t have to worry how I really am will cause them problems. If you have cool more facts I’d love to hear them. You genuinely interest me with what you know.