I was bound to fail big eventually. I just…. thought I wouldn’t. There was this thought that if I did everything that I was supposed to, somehow that would protect me….. but I’ve been working like crazy for 3-4 weeks. I’m tired, I need rest…. but my failure makes me beat myself up and feel self destructive.
I’m alone. My fiance went to bed, I missed the one hour that I can see her out of the last 24 because I was pushing this stupid deadline, that I couldn’t meet. I’m debating how bad I feel. I know whomever I talk to is going to tell me I’m beating myself up too much…… ugh. It’s a lonely place in my head.
How am I supposed to not beat myself up, when I could have worked harder, done better, taken fewer breaks….
This also kind of means I won’t be resting a whole day for a while yet…. and I really wanted a day to rest…. nothing for it but forward.
The crisis line isn’t taking my calls. My fiance is complaining of depression also but she won’t even go to the doctor, my best friend is threatening suicide, though that’s just one of her natural expressions…. and I missed a deadline. It would be worth it somehow to work the way I do if I didn’t screw up so big.
I’m just utterly alone. Which isn’t a reason to do anything, I’ll keep on working and pushing hard because that’s the way to sucess, and I guess I’ll take time for me somewhere in there. Somewhere in the future there will be time to be kind to myself…. in the meantime; pushing, aggressively forward. I have a significant amount of anger. I’m not allowed to lash out at the thing hurting me, or at myself, so all I can do is funnel it into my work.
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You remind me of those conservative types who have that frontier-like lone wolf me-against-the-world mentality.
That makes a bit of sense; I live in a very conservative state and tend to hang out with high achievement types. There’s a sort of cowboy/oil man thing that almost all of us start effecting after awhile, the type of guy that is staring out of the horizons thinking “there’s got to be some way that I’m going to dominate this landscape.”
Which is an irony because politically I end up being more on the liberal side, I don’t think I’ve voted for a Republican any time I had a choice. The Republicans in the states are awful though, they think that conservative means giving gobs of money away to businesses, I’ve heard that somewhere out there conservative still means efficiency and spending minded. Which would draw me back towards their end of the spectrum. America is a weird place… and I live there, born there and all that.