There’s no way there is anyone in my face to face life that I can talk about this with, but it feels like it’s going to poison my heart if I don’t get it out.
I had a dream about being intimate with my best friend. In some ways it is expected, I used to be romantically attracted to her. On the other hand, it’s inappropriate. She’s living with me and my fiance for christ sake. I’ve been dealing with her being suicidal lately, being the shoulder to cry on and so on. I feel very responsible, and that seems like a positive thing.
I just can’t say anything, do anything about craving a certain kind of tenderness from her. She can’t give it to me. She shouldn’t give it to me, it isn’t her job.
None of this stops the hunger within me for it. There must be some part of my heart that thinks I could give her comfort if I held her, or more. See, can’t even say it in an anonomous way. That I desire.. THAT.
It’s also scary that I’m a professional caregiver. My job means taking care of mentally ill people, this is going to come up again. I was warned about this by an early mentor; being attracted to those I’m supposed to be helping. I have to learn professional distance, and it seems that I’m being taught how to tame my desires by being challenged by them.
It’s a challenge, one I want to rise to meet, but it’s also scary, isolating, and hard. These are things that provoke anxiety and a bit of depression within me. Which is why I’m writing about it. All married men are tempted, it’s part of the male experience in monogomous relationships. Usually that temptation has come to me from strangers, people I can avoid. Not this time…
I’m frustrated, which just makes the dogged arousal worse. I want to solve, be active in my angle of attack for this thing, and I can’t.
There is a part of me that could see giving in, and the other part horrified. I couldn’t forgive that in myself. It will be a struggle to forgive that temptation, which is more innocent than acting on it.
I’ve been trying to be kind to myself, but this really makes that nearly impossible. The line has to be somewhere, violating my base morals is worse than just being a wreck.
2 comments
Like you said, I think everyone in monogamous relationships gets tempted from time to time.
My advice would be to do everything you can to put barriers between yourself and giving into that desire.
I’ve read research that showed that people with high self-discipline use LESS willpower than people with low self-discipline. And they do it by outsourcing self-discipline to their environment, and to habits.
An example of outsourcing it to the environment is never shopping on an empty stomach, because if you do, you’re more likely to give in to cravings. Or putting your gym clothes by the door so that you can easily grab them when you leave in the morning, making you more likely to exercise. Nudges, basically.
I’ve been checking out the book “Nudge”, actually, it seems much better than most self-help books. Better written, better argued. With regards to habits, they help, because they obviously become less effortful the more you do them.
In your case, you might help yourself by doing everything you can to avoid being alone with your friend, at least as long as you’re being her shoulder to cry on.
Which is – by the way – another job you probably should get someone else to do. Difficult with a suicidal person, but you have to protect your marriage. Maybe she could see a therapist?
If your attraction to her is largely sexual, you might even consider the Ben Stiller hack from There’s Something About Mary. You know: Jerk off beforehand, so you’re less horny.
In my experience, serious, committed things are rarely worth throwing away over sex.
yeah, I agree entirely. The trick to self discipline is to automate it as much as possible, actually the more systems can be developed to turn hard things into habit the better.
I cast myself as unemotional, but the flaw in that is that I’m vulnerable to severe emotions that do get through my defenses. On the whole lust is well defended against by *ahem* methods. When I was single I had what I consider excessive giving in to lust such that I wouldn’t be tempted, essentially I tasted and didn’t like promiscuity.
I don’t think that I want her specifically in that way, so much that I’m coming to crave being provided with and providing emotional intimacy, which carries dangers with it. It’s impossible for me not to care for this person, yet I struggle specifically with keeping my affection unselfish. Some part craves to love her, and to do so in any way other than as family or friend would be inappropriate at this time. Who knows what the future holds, but at present I am committed and the strength of that commitment is stronger even than affection, lust and so on.
It feels like I must think strategically about my thought life and daily habits, such that temptation doesn’t become a danger to that which I hold dear. Today I found myself embracing the person I want to be in this situation, and encouraging her to be who she needs to be, not who I would prefer she was. The key is choice, and though I have uncomfortable desires I don’t have to give in, free agency and all.