when i went to type the title of this post, the first word that came to mind was “unloveable”. because i’m young and edgy, or maybe because the smiths are playing in the background. who knows.
the generated link told me, that this would be the third post with that name. i guess that shows just how indifferent i am.
the little bit of rationality left in my brain knows that there still are people who care about me, who love me, if i might dare to say that. there’s my family. my best friend. but still, i can’t get rid of the thought that i am complete waste of space and that i’m not needed here. the good old basic “nobody would care if i died.”
i don’t know how to get rid of thid, because even when i’m trying to remind myself of this, it just doesn’t go through? i think in black and white and remember all the times i have been left alone by these people and use that as a proof of how they wouldn’t care, instead of being able to think about the good things.
i have always found peace in knowing how unimportant my life is in the bigger scheme of things, that in a few generations, nobody will remeber that i ever existed. but now the thought of my life not being important even now is here and bringing me the same sense of safety. and i don’t know how to deal with it. it’s like tere are different people in my mind, one of them being the little bit of healthy thinking, trying to tell me i shouldn’t be thinking like this and that i am here for at least some reason, but she’s silenced by the rest of me.
i am just ranting my thoughts out here, because i really don’t know what else to do, when i have nobody to go to really. i know i’m young and dumb and thinking nonsense, but don’t know how to slap any reationality back to myself.
maybe i just really am unloveable. maybe i just really am basic and boring and easily replacable.
when i was thirteen, a boy in my school killed himself. people brought flowers and lit candles, even though they didn’t know him. i wonder if the same would happen if i did that.
2 comments
People would probably care and be a bit sad if I died but that doesnt make me lovable… You feel sad even when you hear that some random stranger died… My mom loves me but that doesnt make me lovable either… Every mom loves her child no matter what unless theres something wrong with her. What would make me lovable is someone loving me, not because of parental instinct but just because they like me. I am so fkin sad
What’s important here is not anybody else, it is about yourself. Sure, no one might miss you but that isn’t what matters. It’s your life and you wouldn’t end it just to make them miss you. You’re in charge of your life for you and you can live it or you can end it. But it’s nothing to do with them.
I wanted to commit suicide when I was 13, I was half scared to death that if I did commit, I would have a funeral and people I didn’t know would come. Or some might talk about me and pretend they knew me. I wanted to make sure that that wouldn’t happen, so I had to plan everything out really good. Although I am not a teenager any longer (though god knows I should have committed way back then) I still have to fear the people I still have to fear the religious and those who arrange funerals…, so I have to make sure that when I commit suicide the town has no part in it. Making it a very unnecessarily long time before I could feel safe committing. When I die, I wouldn’t want that.
It seems like you are looking way out into the future.