why am i still here

i wonder alot why im still here. sure, i have friends, my family is ok, i love my cat. my life could be worse. so why do i complain about wanting to kill myself? i think im still valid, right? i was born a double whammy (technically triple), i was born with a cleft lip and palate, so my nose is assymetrical, and my teeth are all kinds of fucked up, and i cant breathe through my nose so my teeth are yellowish from having my mouth open all the time. plus i was born almost 10 pounds, and my parents and grandparents are pretty heavy, and here i am, almost 17 years later, still fat. The triple whammy was , i was born a female, which is not what i am, im a transgender male. so why do i not want to be here if i said my life isnt that bad? well, i hate myself, im a liar, im toxic, im clingy, im dependent on having a significant other. im stupid, im ugly, im fat, and i wouldnt be suprised if people hate me. im nosy, im gross, im sweaty, im hairy, i try to hard, im not nice enough, im not loud enough, im not good enough. im never any ones first option. im never the love of someones life. im never good enough to keep around for the long haul. my friends in high school are all gonna leave me eventually. whether it be losing contact or what be it. im gonna be alone forever. i know im young but, whats the point, im not popular, im not cute, im not skinny, im not normal, im not funny, im not talented, i have no redeeming qualities. i have no purpose in life. i cant seem to find it. im lazy, unmotivated, my hygeine sucks, my manners suck, im too introverted, i cancel plans, i get too anxious, im annoying to everyone, im stupid, im a hypocrite, i just suck. im a bad human being, and a waste of space if im being honest. im only here because im too afraid, yet another cowardly trait, im too afraid of failing to kill myself, im too afraid of pain before death, im afraid of what comes after. im afraid ill be a braindead vegetable, and ill have to live with that. im afraid of what my grandma will do, of how my cat will feel, how my parents will react. how affected my current friends will be. i dont want me dying to cause a major dip in their mental health. i dont want to become “that kid who killed himself” at my school. i dont want my death certificate to say my given name. i wont be remembered that well, so who cares. the only people who will remember my name is my immediate family. im just so numb now, i dont know what else im supposed to do