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Building my methods up

by JamesOxy

I’m new. I’m also dreadful at writing and this annoys me most because people tell me how articulate I am when I talk! Arhhhh.

I struggle with BPD and rapid cycling bipolar. Wanting to end it all is on my mind each time I become unwell and I have quite a few death methods now. Lately, I have become more focussed on my death plan.

Unfortunately I also struggle with severe lower back pain which is impossible to manage without very strong narcotics. Ding! They have just been delivered! I’ve been waiting 4 hours. And….Iam out of pills!  Clearly I’m using much more than I used to.

After years of abuse and trauma as a baby and teen, I know I’m damaged but I have also had years of therapy!  I keep telling myself, you should be over all this by now.

Like many of you here, I don’t generally engage with other people but  it hasn’t always been like that. I have had wonderful friendships and exciting and charming lovers. Lots of sex!

I wouldn’t of thought that I would end up going backwards, so that I now find social engagement a huge problem.  My impulsive behaviour around disappointment and how I perceive rejection is particularly alarming.  I’m not physically violent but the things I say to people when I feel rejected are absolutely appalling. If I do build up a certain amount of trust with someone, I can be reasonable. It just doesn’t get to that stage anymore.

Hope you guys are hanging in there.

Time for my OXY!

J

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3 comments

Yikrens 5/14/2019 - 1:37 pm

I’m collecting ways to die too. I even try some, I am still alive. You got to be creative or cruel.

spookichick 5/14/2019 - 3:25 pm

Your post really resonates with mei am currently sitting at a tables by myself waiting for my mom to meet up with me. We are at sobey’s, and we just had a huge argument in the car on the way here. She is so toxic for me, but my 23 year old son has begged me not to cut her off. My mom is a controlling, manipulative person that is hurting. Oh here she is. Great.. gotta go … I wish you all the best. XOX

spookichick 5/14/2019 - 4:17 pm

sorry for spelling and grammar errors. my mom and i are like oil and water, and for my son’s sake, i can’t cut her off. if it wasn’t for him( my only reason for living), i would. she is hurting me, big time.
i am so sorry that you are dealing with your illness, and pam so sorry that you are in so much pain. i know exactly how it feels, and i have a great therapist to help guide him through life. i wish you peace. xox

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