Building my methods up

I’m new. I’m also dreadful at writing and this annoys me most because people tell me how articulate I am when I talk! Arhhhh.

I struggle with BPD and rapid cycling bipolar. Wanting to end it all is on my mind each time I become unwell and I have quite a few death methods now. Lately, I have become more focussed on my death plan.

Unfortunately I also struggle with severe lower back pain which is impossible to manage without very strong narcotics. Ding! They have just been delivered! I’ve been waiting 4 hours. And….Iam out of pills!  Clearly I’m using much more than I used to.

After years of abuse and trauma as a baby and teen, I know I’m damaged but I have also had years of therapy!  I keep telling myself, you should be over all this by now.

Like many of you here, I don’t generally engage with other people but  it hasn’t always been like that. I have had wonderful friendships and exciting and charming lovers. Lots of sex!

I wouldn’t of thought that I would end up going backwards, so that I now find social engagement a huge problem.  My impulsive behaviour around disappointment and how I perceive rejection is particularly alarming.  I’m not physically violent but the things I say to people when I feel rejected are absolutely appalling. If I do build up a certain amount of trust with someone, I can be reasonable. It just doesn’t get to that stage anymore.

Hope you guys are hanging in there.

Time for my OXY!

J