I wrote a post about a year and a half ago about crying at work. I define every job I have ever had according to my secret crying spots. I feel like it would be a really good theme for a one woman show: stairwells I’ve cried in.
Once more, trying to see if I can keep it together for the day…just to give myself a little bit more time to be 100% sure I need to die before acting on my plan…gave myself five minutes to cry in a secret place before pulling myself back together.
The discrete problems change but the overarching issue has remained the same through all the years: My complete deficiency as a human being. I just…can’t Do this. How do other people do this? All these other people…people with problems for sure…people who experience grief, stress and sadness.. I’m not claiming a monopoly over those things…but…all these other people who manage to keep it together enough to get by on a regular basis…what do they have that I don’t? Is it genetic? More intelligence? More maturity? More…what? What is it? I really want to know.
2 comments
I actually hear that people that are sad a lot of the time (tears, crying) or suicidal are some of the most intelligent people. I see you blame yourself, saying you are self-deficient, you must be in a state of shame. The people you speak of, I’d say might actually have less intelligence and more instinct.
Maybe they’re just not affected by a mental illness like depression?
I can’t count how many times I had to cry in secret; but today everyone saw the pain in my face and the tears. It felt strange yet comforting to have people come up to me, hug me, telling me to be strong… I really needed that.