“who are you kidding? you said it yourself, you are a family of one” – over the hedge.
Recently I saw the infamous death scene from Blade Runner 2. This really struck an accord with me on many levels; the antecedent of my posts summarizes my everyday conclusions: I am a 29 year old man. I am a has-been. Around 20 years ago, when I was 9 years old, life was so generous; It was euphoric and forgiving. I sang along with the joys of my days.
And now? I read in-between the lines of Mad World “And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
“. And I see myself in the mirror. This song has so many good lines that capturing a single clause won’t be fair. I guess the only way to make sense of this “mad world” would be to pre-suppose a purpose, an ontological straw grab to some meaning, but I think most people are too in their infancy to accept that we might really be alone. It was told to me how “lucky” humans are to be able to work, make our own decisions, but that too comes with a price. We humans are species getting leeched on by our inferiors: think pets. Pets have leeched off of humans for centuries now; millenias, where their wellbeing solely depends on how much humans acquire. We, on the other hand, are so responsible for more than just ourselves. And as we enter the 23’rd century, with all the wars and famine we encounter, I ask myself everyday “Why the fuck do I keep myself chained to this”?
“. And I see myself in the mirror. This song has so many good lines that capturing a single clause won’t be fair. I guess the only way to make sense of this “mad world” would be to pre-suppose a purpose, an ontological straw grab to some meaning, but I think most people are too in their infancy to accept that we might really be alone. It was told to me how “lucky” humans are to be able to work, make our own decisions, but that too comes with a price. We humans are species getting leeched on by our inferiors: think pets. Pets have leeched off of humans for centuries now; millenias, where their wellbeing solely depends on how much humans acquire. We, on the other hand, are so responsible for more than just ourselves. And as we enter the 23’rd century, with all the wars and famine we encounter, I ask myself everyday “Why the fuck do I keep myself chained to this”?
Everyday, I ponder my past, and lament at the times where life made sense. I had an enlightening experience when I was around 2 and a half; becoming existentially aware of my place in life. Think a meta-cognitive view of myself in this ether of life’s balancing point.
Time is relative and I guess from that time, it feels like a blink of an eye till where I am here now currently.
To quote Arthur Schopenhauer ” the goal of human life is to turn away from desire. Salvation can only be found in resignation. ” But resignation from what exactly?
I am at my tipping point. I have fought the seven seas of chronic pain, anxiety, and just want to cease existing. My whole life, I was wrestled to the ground by my anxiety, and the multiple forms it takes. My earliest memories were reminiscent of fearing I might get diabetes 2 while snacking on sugary treats; fearing I might go blind, and many others. Yet again, I have never set foot in a psychologist’s office, maybe my only saving grace is that I never went down the big ****** train down to oblivion.
I am so unaware if it is just my mind, or if the chronic pain/discomfort is really a sign from my body signaling something is wrong. I have lived with physical discomfort ranging from horrible shock-like pains that dropped me to the ground, shooting pains, to crumbling anxiety where I am shaken by hyper-awareness. Currently, I am being pulled on by 2 misfortunes; Chronic dental pain, discomfort, and constant fear that I might lose my teeth in the process, offering up my own dignity, and then extreme anxiety where everyday becomes a drag. It is the perfect match made in hell – Chronic pain, and anxiety.
It doesn’t take long before you truly want to die and cannot wait for the grave to call you. It is almost as if my mind creates this pain as it is just unimaginable how much pain I experience and how it changes. About a week ago I developed a shock like pain in my front teeth following brushing with baking soda. I have been to extremes trying to bleach my teeth around a year ago which might have thinned the enamel to a point where it only have waited for another green light to start getting sensitized. I did many things wrong, like eating extremely acidic foods that I am paying my dues with extremely sensitive teeth now. I really regret what I did; over-flossing because of my darn OCD. Being so afraid of being contamination my whole life left me destroying myself in more ways un-imaginable. You end up just destroying your body over-brushing or flossing as you are so afraid that something will go wrong. There is so much to go wrong, and so many ways it can go wrong, that you end up asking yourself whether any way is better? Which evil is the lesser?
If it wasn’t for my lovely parents, I just do not know what would have happened to me. I ponder death everday, but feel extremely sad and depressed thinking about how they would have to continue. I seriously do not know why I am even here or continue to drag onto another day of hopelessness.
So to sum it up,
I work a stressful job. My anxiety makes it unable for me to really focus well on tasks; I become hyper-aware and panic when I am in a meeting so bad that I cannot think and make any rational decision, and I am unable to get a good night sleep because of shooting pains in my teeth. Continuing the cumulative unemployment last year(2018), I moved back to South Africa along with my parents for the last nail in the coffin. Luckily they have work. We live in a small community where every geezer knows a geezer, and I am so afraid of possibly losing my work, as my lifelong mental illness caused me a whole slice of my life, and my quality. I simply do not know the option of benefits, so I need to keep tunneling through the day in a hope and prayer of getting better. I am so used to extreme stress that it becomes the modus operandi for the last decade. The only saving grace for me is music. I guess my extremely biased perception that this life might get “better” is keeping me here too. I wish I did not have it though. So I do not know what I should do. I also live with a load-full of other crap; I am a lifelong incel, been mocked in school for being different. I was that guy in the Rugby team that instead of playing to gain the attention of the next bride-in-white, I picked up shining toys, and interesting looking figurines. My family refuted taking me to a Shrink as they didn’t see it appropriate. Unfortunately, my childlike neurosis turned into a lifelong illness. Hello 29 year old me.
Someone recently asked me what 2 thought will fly through my mind when I die. I do not think it is hard to decide:
“How the hell do people keep creating children when they are so aware of the cruelty they enlist them into? “
2)”Would it be possible to wake up again and live a different life? Could I probably go back and start all over again?”
Everyday I hear of new kids popping into existence and it makes me shudder. I cannot believe humans can be so cruel as to just pluck their ears and sing “la-la-la” without doing a feasability analysis of what is really to come. I think any rational person would have to conclude that it is better not to breed. I am not in the mood for an anti-natalist discussion as I am tired, anxious, and depressed, and I struggled to even type this long rant.
Sometimes I just think that no matter what I do, it was just fate bringing me here. A very talented young man, with a good heart, but with so much ill-will against him that he just cannot stand up and start living.
My advice goes to all you young and healthy people: Please be grateful for your health. If you can wake up without pain, I beg you to just take a moment and ponder it, and how lucky you are not to live with it. Since the loss of my health in 2017, my life was never the same. I want to tell you all that there is hope for you. I am just writing this to speak for myself. I am without hope and so deep in trouble that I cannot recover.
The fat lady sung…
2 comments
Anti-natalism is a rather generalizing way of looking at the world imo. Not everyone in this crazy world is born to suffer. There are brats out there born with silver spoons, destined to die as scrooges with golden spoons, who’d gladly keep breeding more of their brood into existence. Anti-natalism only applies to hopelessly-fucked-in-the-head people like me, who’d only pass on their emotional damage down if they propagate.
Hi Yoges. Thanks for replying. But tell us your tale. What brought you here, friend?