What is there left for me to do…. engage in this barista course that I’m rather hopeless at…
My unstable shitty job that I’m sick of…
I think I’m brain damaged from all the years of abuse (not physical)…
At least my ex is smart. He’s fucked up like me. He has talents though. Unlike me. I’m not smart. (My words)
I’ll try to arrange alternative arrangements for my mum in 1-3 months.
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m tired of pretending to be ok for my boyfriend. I’m tired of putting on a mask. I’m essentially making some things up to him so he doesn’t think I’m being unproductive and useless. He can talk about how unsocial it is where he lives, that he wants his own place, that he might be depressed….see I can’t talk like that about myself to him… :/
Yeah it sucks because I like him in pretty much all other ways. Oh well. My fault.
I want to see him again but I fear he’ll just find out how much of a failure I really am…
I wanted to be good at this course but I’m not… by the way… we don’t just pour pre made coffee from a jug where I am… we use the barista coffee machine. So think… grinding beans, putting ground coffee into a portafiler (google if you don’t know), putting that on the machine, making the coffee flow through that and turns into liquid coffee down below, steaming/texturing milk with a steam wand… all that stuff…
I wish I could go on… but I don’t think it will ever get better. Anything that could make it better is temporary, short term, just a bandage that falls off.
Trying to get another job here is just…. ugh. People tend to say ‘unless you already have a job lined up here or know someone who can arrange a job for you, don’t bother coming!’