Wisp

I really wanted to die, I obviously don’t want to try to die on impulse, but I still really want it…
Today the police came and informed me that my dad had died this morning.

So I’m going to have to stay put a little longer, at least. I don’t even know where to even start. I will call the coroner tomorrow. I might even talk to my neighbour about it… I don’t really want to but I need help. I don’t know how to deal with this at all…

Everything is too much… why couldn’t it have been me? Why him? As I said, he’s been an alcoholic for years and he was bound to die sooner or later because of it.

My dad’s dad was also an alcoholic and died from some alcohol related illness (can’t remember what…)

See I feel horrible in alot of ways, and I’ll forever be blaming myself for his death (despite the fact that my dad was very emotionally abusive)
My dad’s dad was very emotionally and physically abusive to his kids.
I feel like I have part of my dad in me, and I hate that, because some of what I did to my ex was truly awful. But my ex did some awful things too (which he’ll never admit……).

My online friend told me certain things about my ex, like ‘he just wants attention, just ignore him like I do. Don’t let him make you feel miserable. We can be friends’
Yesterday my ex started treating her badly too, FOR WHAT? wtf does she even have to do with me and him?!?!?!?!
But I told her I was going to die, so…

I sent an email to my ex which talked about my dad a bit, and also talked about myself… I told him that I wish he would just kill me off already. I can’t leave him alone at all. He (my ex) told me back in Feb that I’m not productive and don’t do much with my life, and that he didn’t want to talk to me for 6 months.
Ironically two days before that, he told me that I help keep him afloat.

I have no desire to keep living. My friend deserves better than me.
My mum deserves a better daughter… not me, I’m just miserable all the time.

Coronavirus has really, really, really messed with my head as well.
(I haven’t had it, but all the talk, restrictions, etc, that’s what I mean).

I wish I was never born. Everything is null and void. The only reason to keep living is because of my mum and my online friend. Everything else is all null and void. I’ve screwed up too many things. Man, if only I didn’t go on a constant chronic mental rampage with my ex…

He judges everyone, and he’d told me about how others were useless and not productive enough or spoilt or like he called his ex gf a b**** because of DIFFERENCES and another woman a b**** because she ‘didn’t give him what he wanted’ and… I mean…

My ex could be very lovely and nice, but he did tell me numerous times that he would ‘disappear’ if I was being too useless and not productive enough…
I have an example back from 2020:
‘That’s right, I’ll be here and around for you, but not if you disappoint me and are useless’ not exact wording!!!

Anyway, there’s a whole, whole lot I could say…

I just want it all to end…
I was a mistake.

I told my only online friend I was going to do it…
I sent my ex some hasty long winded email, but to get to the crux of it… I’ll die so I don’t annoy him anymore.

I always fail at attempts or not do very good attempts or chicken out…

I desire to be gone…
Sorry to everyone…………………………………………………………………
:\

Oh and I hope you can be stronger than what I could! But my life isn’t worth living, and it’s partially due to some of my own mistakes and screw ups.

Not suicide related

So around two weeks after the hospital called me about my dad (is it that long yet?) I get a call from a private number, at 2am.
Who calls at 2am??????
Is it possible that a hospital would call at 2am?

The voice sounded like my dad so I hung up. I don’t know what to do now.
Could it be possible that anyone else has called that I need to answer??? And how would he call from a private number?

By the way, apparently he nearly died, so…
I really have no idea what to do.
Sorry, really paranoid

Really. There’s people out to judge others at every corner.
If you don’t ‘fit into’ society, you’ll be endlessly judged for life.

I spend so much time thinking about dying. I sort of have this online friend (not sure why anyone would want to be my friend)… I told her that I hope I’d die soon. I figure I probably annoy her too much anyway.

I just want some peace. I don’t know if that can be found in death, though…

Too much. I figure my dad probably didn’t die, but if he somehow survived this he most likely wouldn’t be walking straight out of the hospital. Now I’m too frightened to check one of my email accounts again….
I believe if someone is likely to die, or has died, the next of kin will be contacted. So I’ll only come to the conclusion that he hasn’t…

A rampant sociopath blighting the game server with his endless lies and abuse.
(Not my ex, another guy).

I want to gooooooooooooo… I’m really sorry, mum.

Sometimes I’m very impulsive and hasty with my posts, I apologize for that, then I just might feel like a moron and may not come back for some days… again, sorry….. I should probably quit making posts about my ex anyway, I f**k alot of things up on my own. Stuff is complicated?!

So I got a phone call from a hospital that my dad was probably going to die from liver failure and a bleeding brain (I don’t know if there’s a more medical term for that).
He was very emotionally abusive for yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeearrrrrs, also he did threaten to kill mum and I a boatload of times over the years when we had been living with him, but we haven’t been living with him for 3 yrs or so.
I feel so terrible and horrible about it, I can’t help to feel that way.

I’m also kind of envious of him if he does end up dying (I’m sick, I know…).
My dad was an almost alcoholic, but could almost just say ‘alcoholic’, he had cirrhosis a few years ago but refused to do anything about it and kept drinking very heavily, so it’s inevitable his liver would fail sooner or later…

I have no desire to see him in the hospital.
I hate myself for that, but I won’t be able to forgive him for the endless abuse even in his death! Oh I’m still tormented by him, I’ll just be tormented all over again… I’m sorry but there’s just no excuse for all these years for abuse (around 18 to be exact).
Fuck it, I may follow suit soon in a couple of months…

:\

I think I’ll fail, and I’m not sure I wanted to do it this early…
There’s a taunt in the online server and it’s ‘die, *****’ and I know my ex was directing that at me.
So I’ll go and die… right.
I need to
Not going to suffer in this torment anymore.
I don’t know, should I confront him? But he doesn’t give a shit and hates me, and that in itself signifies that I need to go and die.

Literally I SAID I WAS LEAVING AND HE TAUNTS ‘die, *****’ at me.
I said publically in the server that everyone hates me (true) and that I won’t bother anyone anymore.
I feel like going in there again and telling him to throw a party and celebrate when I die…
I really want to die!!!!

🙁

I’ll do it… I’ll finally die, hopefully it works, I don’t wish to live this non existence any more. My ex won’t talk to me and thinks I’m stalking and harassing him, I’ve been blocked some places.
I’ll tell him in a game server just before I die or some contact method I wasn’t blocked on. I don’t want him to feel watched, harassed or stalked any longer. I f**ked everything up. I don’t deserve to live.
I want him to have peace and to not feel like he’s ‘living in fear’ or whatnot, I don’t want him to be hurting anymore, I’ll sacrifice myself to make sure of this.
everyone pretty much dislikes me or hates me anyway, except for my mum, well I’m sorry for that…. really sorry :\
best case scenario I just end up faking my death. But I’d rather be dead for real. I can’t ‘torment’ my ex when I’m dead, can I?

My birthday I want to try, sucks its near his birthday but oh well.
I’ve really f*cked this life up beyond repair.

I mean… I did want to die this year or the next.
Lately I play a certain video game more. Well it’s one I’ve already played on and off for years. Not like it does anything. But I like that you can hide behind a character or the like and nobody has to see the real you.
It’s comfortable.
Hate being around.

My fuzzy cute little friend… says hi

Just waiting to die, although I’d want to go this year or the next.
I’ve pretty much destroyed my interactions with my ex, we haven’t talked for weeks. I figure he’s gone and told his mum how ‘bad’ I am, well yes I am a bad person, so I shouldn’t be here anyway, so it doesn’t give me the chance to be bad ever again.
I was awfully tired of him not really admitting his own faults anyway, just resulted in him getting angry or sweeping it under the carpet. So in a sense he would be playing the victim, because it would allow him to make me look as bad as possible while making himself look like a saint.
I wish I hadn’t screwed this up, I feel like we became too different, but also, I knew I was never going to see him again, at least anytime sooooooon, so my impatience got the better of me. That’s not even his fault, but yeah, my own.

All I really have is nightmare after nightmare lately, I stay at home as much as I can get away with, I dislike people so much, and being in a small town, I think it just makes me despise them even more. I don’t like encountering the same people every day. I almost feel that I *need* to stay at home as much as possible, everyone just irritates me.
This, of course makes me get disliked in turn, but I don’t care about being ‘liked’.

Again, sorry to my mum… :\

I’m tired of being endlessly miserable, I want to go…

Do you ever just sit and daydream and wish you were living in a fantasy, like imagining you are a superhero or something?
Do you ever think about how pointless everything is?
All we do is just try to fill our lives with things that we enjoy, and keep doing that for 60+ years until we die.

I’m dumb as bricks. I wouldn’t be making this dumb post if coronavirus restrictions didn’t prevent me from seeing my ex again. I could’ve given it a second go and hopefully had a chance at being happy permanently…. or at least been able to snuggle him again.

I might as well have died back in 2019. Let’s say I did. I know I did.
There’s nowhere to go. Nowhere. I don’t want to live, of course I don’t, I don’t enjoy life. Things could’ve been so much different. I suck.

Have you ever come across a place, like a kiosk, selling brands like vine vera or orogold? They are both cosmetic brands. Do yourself and stay away from them! Nearly everyone else stays away, because they know it’s a scam. These products are marked up and overpriced and they don’t care about sca.m..m.,,ing hundreds or thousands of dollars off the unsuspecting.

Anyway I’ll end this post here, might make another one later, it’s really hot in here and I don’t feel like closing the window, my lazy self should get a fan, there’s just a lack of power points in here… and it’s really irritating me right now hearing the people over the fence talking to each other. I can’t think for heck right now, and no I don’t feel like listening to music at the moment :\

I wish I didn’t feel lonely. I just want someone to give me lots of snuggles. Physically. I need to get over my ex. I don’t want to but it’s not going to happen anyway. And I won’t get over him.

But I’ll never be able to snuggle him physically again anyway. What’s the point. And I think he doesn’t really want me anymore, anyway, and doesn’t like me because of…

I wish I had…
I’m just really really really really feeling lonely right now.
But nobody would want me in any way (I don’t even mean a relationship)… I’m dumb, stupid, and useless!!!

Great.

🙁

I kind of feel like I’m going in circles with my teacher, she asks me if I tried to connect with other students regarding looking for 2 other people with my course assignment roleplay. Of course I did. I could tell her I’ve made 3 posts on the course forum asking for people to help me.
I’m thinking of dropping out anyway. I don’t want to be here for another year! i’d have to arrange something for my mum, I don’t know what I’d even… and I know she doesn’t want me to go.

I will not go through another 6 months of missing my ex. That was nothing but complete misery. Now I’ll go through it again. I knew I’d never see him in real life again because of the pandemic. I know the world is only punishing me for treating him badly not long after the second break up. The world doesn’t want me here and I severely hate going outside, I hate seeing or interacting with others, I’d rather stay home and stay safe in my bed whenever I can, again I’m just sorry to my mum.

I know I wasn’t really keeping my ex ‘afloat’ because he was miserable. I know he ran off to his mum to discuss me and talk about how horrible and bad I am.
I thought we were past that two years ago. I haven’t written to his mum in a couple of years and don’t care to.

I just can’t be like everyone else. Anyway I know I’ll never be happy again so… Well thinking about it, the pandemic has caused alot of suicides. I heard that someone in my state did it and we aren’t even in lockdown.

As I’ve stated I also don’t like where the world is going.

I barely even shower now, I don’t really even wash my face, I don’t really eat enough, I’m not interested in anything, I don’t even really care to have another relationship with my ex, if he was nearby, if I could get his snuggles, have his company, that’s what I mostly want with him.

It was the only time I was happy. There’s no point in being around any longer if I’ll never be happy again.

I wish he would just appear and finish me off…

Not suicide related

I couldn’t find two people for the role play assignment in my online course…

I’m sorry that I’m so pathetic that I don’t have any family or friends to help me with this. I can’t use my mum because she’s deaf and doesn’t know much English…

I guess I just came across as aggressive or rude or pathetic in my 3 posts I made on the course forum asking for people to help me…
I also tried to do this assignment at the wrong time 3 weeks ago and I found at least one person to help me.

And someone told me last Friday they would invite me their group but they ignored my reply.

I would rather jump off a bridge than ask strangers to help me..

The course teacher just sent me an email asking if I could find two people to help me… I don’t even know how to reply to that…
I feel like asking her to just fail me because… I’m not going to find two people.

🙁

This is me and my ex (I’m the female, lol). This is going to mark the only time in my life that I was happy. I smiled so big, it was just so nice having him in my company. (Sorry there was meant to be a picture of us here lol, I didn’t upload it due to the file size limit, and on second thought I should probably respect his privacy, although I did put the picture up on an old deleted post of mine. So just picture a guy and a girl and they both have HUGE smiles!!!)

I cried for HOURS on the plane when I had to leave him. I’ve never been normal but ever since then I’ve been mental and reckless.

Until recently (like two weeks ago), we were still on good terms… but I don’t want him online, I want him physically! (I know that sounds terrible of me…)

I wish I had just died on that plane, very selfish thinking on my part since I have commitments, but I would’ve died knowing that I had been truly happy at least once…

Wouldn’t have to be mostly miserable all the time…

I love you C, I always will. Alwaysssss. I hope we’ll meet again physically in the next life (whenever my next life may be?!) <3

Not suicide related.

Think about it… right now someone is experiencing abuse, domestic violence, r ape, murder, break ups, slavery, starvation. Just a few examples.

This world is run by evil. All the rich could feed all the starving and nobody would have to starve ever again.

Many people have suffered greatly due to the pandemic lockdowns and restrictions. Where I am, there’s no lockdown, but even still, I know that people have suicided. They didn’t see a future, I figure…

I like to spare a thought for all the suffering going on. Not to make myself feel grateful or appreciative… No. It’s a basic human right to have shelter, food and enough to live off, and to not live with abuse. But many don’t have even this!

I find being an adult extremely difficult because of everything society pushes onto us. I’m hoping to get my new friend soon (soft toy animal).

Well, while I’m still around, I’m trying to only buy food and necessities this year (sorry about the toy? Lol) Clothes always second hand if I’ll need more for some reason. Lots of things are made with slave labour. Even cocoa harvesting had slave labour at one stage, probably still happens. People crammed in factories, poor conditions, slave wages, abuse…

Adult content… Well this is something I think that nobody should look at. Not because I’m a prude lol. You’ll never know if the people in the video or pictures consented to them being taken. Even if they look happy. They might have been told to put on an act of happiness for the camera. They might have been forced or manipulated into it. Gender/orientation doesn’t matter.
I’ve heard ‘it’s just videos, it’s just pictures, it doesn’t hurt anyone…’ my thoughts: Uhhh, did you stop to think about the people in those pictures or videos? What if someone was forced to make a video under the threat of violence?

Run by evil, thrives on evil, built on evil. Suffering is everywhere.

I really don’t want to be here anymore. I really really really really don’t.
I ordered a soft toy online, maybe she’ll keep me occupied for a while. I don’t want to live. I don’t like life. As for going out, well I don’t really like that. Don’t agree with the restrictions. I don’t like people, I don’t like them with their judgmental looks. I prefer to stay inside when I can so I don’t need to feel any certain way. I’m also in a rental so that makes me feel even worse. I don’t like where this world is going. Well I can’t really write about that.
I haven’t showered in days, my head is full of dandruff, I’ve spent alot of time in bed, I should focus on study but I can’t be bothered, I couldn’t find 2 others for this role play assignment so I’ll probably end up failing the course. I thought I had 2 people for last Friday but they never got back to me.

I’m really not made for this life, anyway. I want to go before everything gets far worse. I’m just here for my mum… well my mum is probably the only person I like.

I don’t really want to be liked, anyway. I don’t really want friends. I’m not even trying though. There’s nobody I could be 100% myself with anyway, so what’s the point? Everyone’s offended by everything these days anyway. So… it’s better to never talk (where possible)!

ZZZZZZ

Not suicide related

I only go outside with my mum now. I’d rather be at home when I can, safe from this judgmental world. You can’t do a single thing without being judged these days. Studying sucks. I can’t even get in a group for a role play, yeah this is online, I should check my messages more often… someone replied to me on Wednesday and then I replied back, and now… nothing. I am barely motivated to even continue studying. I can’t do this anymore. Being an adult is far too difficult and it’s really not something I can do. Always worrying about one thing or another, trying to plan when you’d rather just sleeeeeeeep forever.

I have no interests, nothing, I bought some art supplies, used them a couple of times and they sit collecting dust.

I can’t be bothered to be super polite and nice, that just seems fake to be anyway. I can’t be an adult. I really really really really truly cannot do it. I really believe I’m done. I’ve been saying this more lately. Life isn’t for me, and that’s that!!!

My ex told me a little while before we stopped talking ‘no wonder you want to die, you have no goals’. Luckily for him, hopefully we won’t talk again and he can find people more suited and relatable.

I’m so sick of everything! Dying is hard and I can’t leave my mum behind. I can’t handle it!

Not suicide related

First of all, leaving abusive parents does require quite a bit of money. It may also involve staying with a friend or relative (if you have such), couchsurfing, living with roommates. You indeed can’t just ‘get up and leave abusive’ parents, it never works that way, even if money is involved. The only real hope is having enough income (even if welfare…), and preferably a support place, like a hotline, or a place that may help abused, although, I think most of these places are only for domestic violence. Not sure…
The longer you live with abusive parents, the harder it gets to leave them. Even if you have enough money to leave, you just feel like you ‘can’t’ leave. You are trapped.
It may be a hassle, it may be annoying, it may be tedious, you might have to leave alot of stuff behind, you’ll probably have to start all over again…
Yeah, that all really sucks. But what sucks even more is living with an abusive parent for potentially even more years!
Abuse comes in many forms.

I shouldn’t copy and paste, but I’m lazy…
“Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response. It occurs when hostages or abuse victims bond with their captors or abusers. This psychological connection develops over the course of the days, weeks, months, or even years of captivity or abuse”

In some cases the abused may not realize they are being abused. They may also know that they are being abused, but their parent(s) will throw nice things into the mix as well, so they’ll come to the conclusion that their parent(s) ‘aren’t all that bad’. Many abusers like to play yo yo with others’ feelings, and make them feel like they are walking on eggshells.

I left my abusive father a couple of years ago, with my mum (well she was being abused too, and didn’t know how to leave, so I helped her with that…) although we had the means to do that. I had probably been through around 18 years of mostly psychological abuse. Yes it still affects me, even now…
Good that we left when we did! 😛

I know (I should say acquaintance for 2 of them) of 3 people in their mid thirties who appear to live with abusive parents. The abuse has most likely gone on for years and years and possibly become worse over that time. One which I saw the emotional abuse with my own eyes, and that was only over a short period, I wouldn’t want to imagine the abuse he usually endures! Even thinks like little ‘snarky’ remarks e.g. “You’ll never be any good at that” is abuse. Constantly talking to someone in a rude and snappy way is abuse. Belittling someone is abuse. This isn’t going to get any better. All three need to attempt to leave their parents. Sometimes it’s not even a money thing, sometimes people feel so emotionally trapped that they can’t leave.

In the end, it has to be up to the abused person to realize that they are being abused, and not ‘change their mind’ when their parent does something ‘nice’ to make everything look ‘ok’. I do think it may be possible to get to the point where… the abused person has been abused for so long that they will continue to defend their parents abuse over and over again, even if you… let’s say, you show them a website with examples of abuse and ask them to consider if any of those things have happened to them.

The three people that I mentioned may be experiencing stockholm syndrome. It’s possible that they may have endured 20+ years of emotional abuse. (18 years was more than bad enough, I can’t imagine it going on for longer…) I should note that one of these people didn’t live with his parents for a couple of years, he lived with a friend he had at the time, but he ended up moving back in, and I figure that’s when the abuse started back up. And two of them probably have the means to move out, so yeah that’s why I made the point that even enough money may not make the abused leave their abusers.

You can look up ‘signs of an abusive parent’. Don’t get me wrong, abusive parents ruin people of all ages, from young children to adults. This post is indeed more focused on adults though. Leaving an abusive parent is extremely difficult. Yeah I’ll just mention it again… There’s lots of other things to consider as well here. Maybe your parents will try to prevent you from leaving (what me and mum did was leave when dad was sleeping).
Maybe your parents will try and get in touch with you and/or try to find where you went if you leave. There’s much more info online about abusive parents. I’ve only glossed over the surface!

I figure that not everyone can actually leave their abusive parents, there could always be reasons out of your control (not being able to get money to leave, no support in area, nowhere to go).
I don’t know why I wrote this really. Abusive parents are terrible, what can I say… and nobody deserves to be emotionally trapped by such. So yeah, maybe my pointless post may help someone.