Wisp

Not suicide related

First of all, leaving abusive parents does require quite a bit of money. It may also involve staying with a friend or relative (if you have such), couchsurfing, living with roommates. You indeed can’t just ‘get up and leave abusive’ parents, it never works that way, even if money is involved. The only real hope is having enough income (even if welfare…), and preferably a support place, like a hotline, or a place that may help abused, although, I think most of these places are only for domestic violence. Not sure…
The longer you live with abusive parents, the harder it gets to leave them. Even if you have enough money to leave, you just feel like you ‘can’t’ leave. You are trapped.
It may be a hassle, it may be annoying, it may be tedious, you might have to leave alot of stuff behind, you’ll probably have to start all over again…
Yeah, that all really sucks. But what sucks even more is living with an abusive parent for potentially even more years!
Abuse comes in many forms.

I shouldn’t copy and paste, but I’m lazy…
“Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response. It occurs when hostages or abuse victims bond with their captors or abusers. This psychological connection develops over the course of the days, weeks, months, or even years of captivity or abuse”

In some cases the abused may not realize they are being abused. They may also know that they are being abused, but their parent(s) will throw nice things into the mix as well, so they’ll come to the conclusion that their parent(s) ‘aren’t all that bad’. Many abusers like to play yo yo with others’ feelings, and make them feel like they are walking on eggshells.

I left my abusive father a couple of years ago, with my mum (well she was being abused too, and didn’t know how to leave, so I helped her with that…) although we had the means to do that. I had probably been through around 18 years of mostly psychological abuse. Yes it still affects me, even now…
Good that we left when we did! 😛

I know (I should say acquaintance for 2 of them) of 3 people in their mid thirties who appear to live with abusive parents. The abuse has most likely gone on for years and years and possibly become worse over that time. One which I saw the emotional abuse with my own eyes, and that was only over a short period, I wouldn’t want to imagine the abuse he usually endures! Even thinks like little ‘snarky’ remarks e.g. “You’ll never be any good at that” is abuse. Constantly talking to someone in a rude and snappy way is abuse. Belittling someone is abuse. This isn’t going to get any better. All three need to attempt to leave their parents. Sometimes it’s not even a money thing, sometimes people feel so emotionally trapped that they can’t leave.

In the end, it has to be up to the abused person to realize that they are being abused, and not ‘change their mind’ when their parent does something ‘nice’ to make everything look ‘ok’. I do think it may be possible to get to the point where… the abused person has been abused for so long that they will continue to defend their parents abuse over and over again, even if you… let’s say, you show them a website with examples of abuse and ask them to consider if any of those things have happened to them.

The three people that I mentioned may be experiencing stockholm syndrome. It’s possible that they may have endured 20+ years of emotional abuse. (18 years was more than bad enough, I can’t imagine it going on for longer…) I should note that one of these people didn’t live with his parents for a couple of years, he lived with a friend he had at the time, but he ended up moving back in, and I figure that’s when the abuse started back up. And two of them probably have the means to move out, so yeah that’s why I made the point that even enough money may not make the abused leave their abusers.

You can look up ‘signs of an abusive parent’. Don’t get me wrong, abusive parents ruin people of all ages, from young children to adults. This post is indeed more focused on adults though. Leaving an abusive parent is extremely difficult. Yeah I’ll just mention it again… There’s lots of other things to consider as well here. Maybe your parents will try to prevent you from leaving (what me and mum did was leave when dad was sleeping).
Maybe your parents will try and get in touch with you and/or try to find where you went if you leave. There’s much more info online about abusive parents. I’ve only glossed over the surface!

I figure that not everyone can actually leave their abusive parents, there could always be reasons out of your control (not being able to get money to leave, no support in area, nowhere to go).
I don’t know why I wrote this really. Abusive parents are terrible, what can I say… and nobody deserves to be emotionally trapped by such. So yeah, maybe my pointless post may help someone.

If I wasn’t such an idiot, I bet I could’ve been living with my mum and my ex as well.
Snuggling him was the only thing that made me happy. He lives so far away and due to the pandemic I figure I’ll never see him again, and even if I do, that will probably be years and years away, and I’d hope to be dead by then.
I could’ve done the right things. I could’ve spoken up. I had more than one opportunity to do so. He could’ve had a better life too because of me. It’s my fault he’s miserable because I could’ve helped him when I had the chance.
It’s also my fault that I’m miserable.
Then again, life isn’t a fairytale and you can’t just snuggle someone forever and ever.

I wish he didn’t live on the other side of the world. I just want to snuggle with him…

Not suicide related

I’m going to try and sell a few things I have, even though I don’t have much, most things just sit there and collect dust. Not easy trying to sell things in a small town, even items that people would really want. I don’t really want to do postage because there’s a risk of being scammed. If I was going to post things I’d only do bank transfer, but lots of scammers use this so…. yeah, good luck there (the buyer would probably end up thinking that I’m the scammer!). I was only just recently scammed via bank transfer myself, buyer told a lie about his paypal account and I fell for it, and yeah that was it.

I really feel like giving up my studies. I’ve already uploaded one assignment in the wrong place, teacher said she was going to fix it, but nothing yet, maybe she forgot, or maybe she just laughed. I also started another assignment that’s actually due in 2 weeks. And some of the assignments involve talking to others online through webcam :\ I’m really mentally foggy lately, and I spend alot of time in bed (yeah I still have that luxury for now). I bought some art supplies, good quality ones too so they’ll probably last me a while. Sadly I don’t feel very creative anymore.

Price of most things has gone up, and I’m worried about hyperinflation in the future ($200 loaf of bread, anyone?). I prefer to stay at home when I can for the most part. I mean sometimes I’ll go out with mum though. I have little desire to deal with people. I no longer live for the future. I no longer care. I’m done with life and merely existing for my mum now.

I cannot be in this world anymore. We (me and the world) are not compatible! It’s over. I’ve made a boatload of mistakes too. If I could go back in time I’d wish I didn’t gamble so much away and I wish that I could’ve actually helped my ex instead of being so damn passive. I had the chance to make his life better but I never really spoke up. I thought it was his responsibility to make his own life better at the time. But he’s miserable inside, well he’s got something I don’t and that is a brain. And useful skills that I don’t and never will have. His life was in shambles when I saw him in real life a couple of years ago.

Oh, and other mistakes as well. Yeah… done… yeah, I really feel like I’m done.

Not suicide related

This year I would like to die. I wish I actually could. But, yeah that’s not going to happen (commitments).

I do not enjoy life in any way and I am beyond tired of pretending that I enjoy it. I also believe I’m bound to be miserable, partially due to all my faults and also the state of the world.

My mum is the only thing I really live for now. Even though I’m a terrible daughter. But my life is over. I’m existing. I just wanted one last snuggle from my ex, but due to the pandemic yeah I never see that happening again.
That hurts so bad…

I have little desire to try to socialise with anyone. I’ve talked to my neighbour rather briefly. But I don’t get along with anyone anyway, and I’m sure he spends his time laughing at how stupid I must look (how I compose myself).

I truly wish I had never been born. I don’t want to be here!!!!
(I think I’ve made up my mind….)

It’s time, really. I can’t keep going! I think gambling nearly all my money away was the last straw.
My mum gambled alot too…

Well I can’t go, I can’t leave my mum anyway. This world is only getting worse anyway.
I’m so miserable all the time. I wanted to go somewhere on Saturday which is around 1 hr 40 min away, not wanting to take the bus, I asked my neighbour if he could take me there. He charges more than the bus….
(Even though the bus goes the long way and only arrives at that area only twice each day on the weekends)…

I’m thinking of just getting the bus now. My neighbour probably just sees me as an easy way to make extra money. Probably thinks I’m desperate and pathetic. I dislike people so much. I want to be a shut in as long as I can get away with that, unfortunately I can’t do it as much as I’d like because I have to help my mum.

Side note: if I had my own car and my neighbour asked me to take them somewhere, I wouldn’t charge more than the bus……..

Maybe I’m just complaining for the 100000000th time.

This is just making everything worse. One assessment per week and must get everything right. I don’t even want to ask my teacher any questions because she will probably think my questions are stupid.

I literally can’t get my mind off this course. It really seems like too much.

I wanted to do part time (and I chose that) but this freaking feels like full time.

Don’t even know how to answer some questions (don’t know the answer). Don’t know if my current answers look stupid.

And a few assignments involve making video conferences with others.

Thinking of faking my death to my ex and quitting this course because it’s making me sickkkkkkk.

Sorry.

Not suicide related

What is complicated algebra doing in a pre test for maths and English in the course I’m about to do?
Unless the course itself contains this algebra, what is it DOING HERE?
I can’t even figure out how to do it.
I hate this shit.
This better not be in my actual course or I’m going to fail for sure.
Going by the subject matter and the name of my course I don’t see where the complicated algebra will be.
Do people even use this in their daily life? (Unless their job requires this).

I can do most other things in maths but not THIS!

🙁

Not suicide related

I really really really really want to be gone. You know you’ve got no purpose and no point in life when you feed your money into a poker machine over and over again.
Or play keno all day.
Sorry don’t mean to boast about money here. At this rate I’ll soon have none anyway.
Can’t help but think that the people working where I gamble think I’m the biggest idiot ever (here is a fact though: workers in such places are not allowed to comment on individual gamblers. Workers have been sacked for telling gamblers that they are addicted, another was sacked for telling a guy to spend the money on wedding/gift related things, and not throw his winnings back into the poker machine)

I hate this so much. Hate hate hate hate hate. Many have offed themselves during coronavirus restrictions/lockdowns. Misery is all I know! Wish I was dead!!!

Meh.

Sorry 🙁

Not suicide related

The world has gone to shit. It already was. I suppose I will throw the question out there, does anyone really think that governments and politicians actually care about you?
And question everything, and don’t believe everything the mainstream media tells you.
I wish I could be gone. But again, I help care for my mum. I really desire to be gone though. There’s nothing here for me. The world isn’t going to get better anytime soon, if ever. I’d never want to leave her really, nor would want her to discover me dead. But yeah, dying is too difficult anyway for me, as I’ve mentioned 1000 times over the years. So, I’m still here.

There’s nothing that I like, nothing that interests me. The world is run and controlled by evil anyway.
I’m existing.

Not suicide related

It’s hard not to feel like scum….

I think I’m done with life (I’ll still be here though, reasons…)
Like, I’m just fed up with it. I don’t enjoy anything. I only pretend to. Well that’s not entirely true, but I don’t enjoy anything substantial. I like some music for example, but this won’t make me like life lol.
No interests, no hobbies, not interested, pointless.
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing.

– Sleeping for hours
– Going out, getting a coffee, mindlessly browsing shops, may or may not buy things
– looking up random stuff on laptop/phone
– just sitting around outside, etc

I wish I could go sometime next year. But for the 10000th time, dying isn’t easy and I have obligations anyway. I’m actually enrolled in that course now. May or may not end up doing all of it. I figure I would I’m alive for that long. Not like I have anything that I like doing in my life anyway. I’ve overall had a good enough life. Not to gloat, really…

I’ve experienced the glorious thing called ‘snuggling’ anyway…
Nothing here left for me except for my mum.
My ex as well, but he’ll be fine really.

Not suicide related

Great. I asked a valid question about the course and they (training provider) don’t even reply. But they replied to other things, quickly as well. Now I’ve submitted all my enrollment documents on Friday… so have they even looked at them yet? Maybe I’m just such a joke that I shouldn’t bother studying.

I may not end up doing the whole course anyway. I mean, if I even begin the course… if it interests them to look at my enrollment………………….
I hope they are just really this busy! Doubt that though.

Maybe whoever sees my emails is laughing at them behind the screen…

Not suicide related

Well. I agreed to study a course early next year, or maybe a bit earlier! Hopefully there’s room for me (online course).
If I dislike life so much anyway, I guess there’s no harm in doing this. I’ll have to see what happens with the world in the coming months. Still don’t and (won’t) like where it’s going.
Only thing that annoys me is the workplace placement part, although I can understand needing to do that.
I don’t know if I even want to do this. But ok, whatever.

Not suicide related

I thought my ex was going to rent his own place ‘one day’. I believe he would have enough savings to move right now. I don’t really think he’s serious because he’s not even looking for a place. His ex friend offered him a 2 bedroom apartment last year, and he declined. Someone his family knew were in talks to offer him a place last year but that someone changed their mind, apparently that someone was indecisive.

Then again, Toronto is extremely expensive, so unless he rents a rundown dump, he isn’t getting his own place 😛 And of course said ‘rundown dump’ won’t suit his needs, so that’s that. Yeah I know that most people don’t want to live in such places.

Might be better than living with his parents that tend to treat him badly though… as long as this place doesn’t have terrible neighbours and isn’t falling down and isn’t full of mould and…

Realistically though, the world is full of people who aren’t living in places that suit their needs. Rundown dumps? I lived in one for nearly a year with my mum! The place is such a hole that I didn’t even tell my ex the name of the place, only the address (luckily he didn’t google that). The place has shoddy wiring, power wires strangely put up all over the top of the units. It’s full of long term tenants that take drugs and drink (and no they never really bothered me). Nearly every single fucking night there’s some domestic violence occurring. And safety? Well the doors are shit. There’s only a sliding glass door on some and just a wooden door on others. Not to mention some of the doors don’t even lock properly. I could go on about how people have had their stuff stolen here, but in that town having stuff stolen isn’t a rare occurrence anyway. I was sleeping one night and someone was trying to open the sliding glass door (luckily it was locked).

Security? Nah just randoms who can walk in during the day and night, nobody gives a damn.

This place is actually supposed ‘holiday, resort’ accommodation. Resort? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The small decorative pool pretty close to my room was never cleaned and had all sorts of stuff in it, murky green, kids toys, leaves. Disgusting and filthy.
This is only a place to stay at if you don’t give a damn or you don’t have anywhere else to stay. After all their weekly rates are ‘cheap’ for ‘holiday’ accommodation. I never ever felt safe there. Always scared that something bad was going to happen…

So that’s my completely pointless, space wasting rant for today! :\

I don’t see myself being around for another year (external reason I won’t directly mention here). When I see this topic mentioned in the media it just feels me full of dread. Again and again. I’ve been spending more time with my mum lately, as I know I don’t really have much time left. This isn’t a world I can be a part of. It’s not a world I can understand.

(If something drastic changes and I like the change, I’ll change my mind)

I should try pretending being really happy. Might make my days a very tiny bit easier. Even though I’m miserable inside and everything is just horrible.

Not suicide related

tiny insects in my room, cockroaches in the microwave (moved the microwave outside). CLEAN YOUR MICROWAVE, FOLKS! Mine smelled like food, no wonder they went in there. The clock area is warm too and they like the warmth.
I don’t have the capacity to deal with insects and no I can’t afford a pest person. Oh and a slight ceiling sag that’s been there for a while. I told the landlord, if they are interested….
I’m not a very good example here but from so many things I’ve seen and read online, a gigantic multitude of things can go wrong for anyone. Life is a contant upkeep load of fucking shit that we are meant to keep on top of.
Ok let’s hope I’m gone in the next year or two so nobody has to listen to my complaining anymore. I’m renting a whole damn unit. Cleaning, maintaining, stupid yard…. I’m sorry is it even normal for humans to engage in so much upkeep????? and then there’s YOURSELF.

Not suicide related

I’m full of hatred, inside. Of course, I just hide it.
Clearly my neighbours have decided to hate me for no reason. That’s probably why my neighbour hides in his car (these units aren’t very soundproof) and makes calls about… us (me and mum) to others??? Right???
My other neighbour occasionally throws stuff over our fence.
My other neighbour tends to play loud music at night and has loud gatherings.
One of the other neighbours was playing ball in a patch field of grass and said ball ended up our yard a few times.

Small towns, you know? Everyone can just talk crap about you and there’s not a thing you can do. Especially not me because I’m a fucking pathetic poor renter on welfare right now.
I plan to depart next year sometime!
Overall I’ve been satisfied with what I’ve been able to experience in my short life. Maybe I’ll depart in two years, lol. I’ll just have to figure out what to do with my mum (I’m her part time carer). What do I keep saying though? Dying isn’t easy or so many more of us would be dead!
Don’t like where the world is going either, so that’s another factor.
Yayyyyyy…

All I really do here is mostly complain. When you feel it inside, and question your existence… WHAT AM I DOING HERE?????
I was getting my eyebrows waxed the other day and the woman asked ‘so what have you been up to?’
I answered ‘not much’, and there was a brief pause.
I really haven’t been up to anything of note. It’s the truth. I’m sorry I didn’t have some super exciting story to tell.
-_-

Technically I’m only around for my mum, she’s dependent on me to some degree. Yeah well, I have no SUBSTANCIAL interests, hobbies or talents. My life has been mostly crap but I have had some good moments.
Don’t agree with all the covid stuff (I’m not denying that covid exists though). Anyway I’ll leave it at that.
And I’m not made for this life (like many others) 🙂
EVERYTHING SUCKSSSSSSSSS