Wisp

I don’t see myself being around for another year (external reason I won’t directly mention here). When I see this topic mentioned in the media it just feels me full of dread. Again and again. I’ve been spending more time with my mum lately, as I know I don’t really have much time left. This isn’t a world I can be a part of. It’s not a world I can understand.

(If something drastic changes and I like the change, I’ll change my mind)

I should try pretending being really happy. Might make my days a very tiny bit easier. Even though I’m miserable inside and everything is just horrible.

Not suicide related

tiny insects in my room, cockroaches in the microwave (moved the microwave outside). CLEAN YOUR MICROWAVE, FOLKS! Mine smelled like food, no wonder they went in there. The clock area is warm too and they like the warmth.
I don’t have the capacity to deal with insects and no I can’t afford a pest person. Oh and a slight ceiling sag that’s been there for a while. I told the landlord, if they are interested….
I’m not a very good example here but from so many things I’ve seen and read online, a gigantic multitude of things can go wrong for anyone. Life is a contant upkeep load of fucking shit that we are meant to keep on top of.
Ok let’s hope I’m gone in the next year or two so nobody has to listen to my complaining anymore. I’m renting a whole damn unit. Cleaning, maintaining, stupid yard…. I’m sorry is it even normal for humans to engage in so much upkeep????? and then there’s YOURSELF.

Not suicide related

I’m full of hatred, inside. Of course, I just hide it.
Clearly my neighbours have decided to hate me for no reason. That’s probably why my neighbour hides in his car (these units aren’t very soundproof) and makes calls about… us (me and mum) to others??? Right???
My other neighbour occasionally throws stuff over our fence.
My other neighbour tends to play loud music at night and has loud gatherings.
One of the other neighbours was playing ball in a patch field of grass and said ball ended up our yard a few times.

Small towns, you know? Everyone can just talk crap about you and there’s not a thing you can do. Especially not me because I’m a fucking pathetic poor renter on welfare right now.
I plan to depart next year sometime!
Overall I’ve been satisfied with what I’ve been able to experience in my short life. Maybe I’ll depart in two years, lol. I’ll just have to figure out what to do with my mum (I’m her part time carer). What do I keep saying though? Dying isn’t easy or so many more of us would be dead!
Don’t like where the world is going either, so that’s another factor.
Yayyyyyy…

All I really do here is mostly complain. When you feel it inside, and question your existence… WHAT AM I DOING HERE?????
I was getting my eyebrows waxed the other day and the woman asked ‘so what have you been up to?’
I answered ‘not much’, and there was a brief pause.
I really haven’t been up to anything of note. It’s the truth. I’m sorry I didn’t have some super exciting story to tell.
-_-

Technically I’m only around for my mum, she’s dependent on me to some degree. Yeah well, I have no SUBSTANCIAL interests, hobbies or talents. My life has been mostly crap but I have had some good moments.
Don’t agree with all the covid stuff (I’m not denying that covid exists though). Anyway I’ll leave it at that.
And I’m not made for this life (like many others) 🙂
EVERYTHING SUCKSSSSSSSSS

How do I get rid of these tiny things without spending much money? I’m not contacting the landlord about this. I figure they are getting in through some miniscule cracks that I can’t really even see at all. I’m thinking of just spraying them with some natural insect killer so I don’t end up poisoning myself, as this is in my bedroom and the stupid things only come out at night. Any help is appreciated.

Like many, I can’t just ‘move away’. Also rentals are really hard to find, and real estate agents tend to be you know what, so many people prefer to rent privately, I guess. But I’m in temporary social housing right now anyway. Yeah great, way to feel secure! Great, my post just sounds like a whole lot of complaining.
Anyway, in small towns, word gets around. So if I appear visibly agitated one day (I try to hide it………) then word will get around. I mean, word can get around anyway, even if it’s not even true. And then people will believe it. And that’s it.
I’m sick of my neighbour next door randomly sitting in his car and randomly spending time ‘working on his car’, sometimes for hours. The car runs and drives, what is he doing? All my neighbours irritate me. Oh well. They shouldn’t annoy me, because they technically don’t. They keep to themselves. I feel like I’m being watched all the time and listened to. I guess I’m being paranoid again.
Anyway, word has probably gotten around about me by now. I wish I could go and hide forever. I figure nobody here likes me at all. Well I’m not really asking to be liked anyway. If I’m just neutral it’s better. Oh well. When will I die from being miserable? 😛

Misery, I hear you call me
Misery, I am enslaved to you
Misery, can you hear me?
Misery, I’ll be with you for a long while
Misery, it doesn’t matter how, when, where or why.
Misery, give me sweet comfort
Mi
Se
Ry,
I
just
want
to
SLEEP, in your arms.

In winter, this grass has been very green. It’s been spring for a few weeks now. How can I make this look better quick?????? I’ve been browsing online for help but I seriously don’t know what to do.
I can’t afford to returf!!!!
Can anyone calm me down or tell me what to do, all I seem to think of is this grass over and over again (Ps most of the grass around the neighbourhood has brown patches as well)
Can I die already, don’t want to be evicted over this grass problem…
I’m watering it more and I put down some grass seeds now I need to try and keep them moist… I hate this!!!!!!!

Not suicide related

My garden looks like shit. It’s spring here. I’m in a rental. I’ve emailed the landlord about it. There’s a bunch of dead and dormant patches of grass. It has barely rained for weeks. Well sorry I just wanted a roof over mine and mum’s head. I didn’t really give a damn about the garden. Now we’ll prob be evicted over it. Or made to buy new turf. I don’t have enough to buy new turf. This garden is a source of misery for me.
I get a guy to mow the lawn every 3-4 weeks, one part of the lawn is scalped and has yellow stripes on it. He could’ve offered to make the garden look better all the times he’s been here. He’s weeded the garden before but not this time.
Imagine a garden making you feel more suicidal!
Well firstly I should get a hose. I’ve been using a watering can……
I see that quite a bit of the grass around this neighbourhood is dormant. I mean I can only pull out the dead blades, I can’t pull out the roots. Man I’m going to be here forever and ever if I’m going to be pulling out dead grass.
In winter when it was raining all the time the grass was really green.
I’m thinking of ordering the lawn paint I saw online and using that on the garden. I am sick of spending my money on a garden. I’ve had enough of complaining. Why don’t I just disappear already???
WELL AT LEAST THE GRASS WILL BE GREEN IF I USE THE LAWN PAINT, It won’t fix the patches though.

I’ve never looked after a garden before. Anyway, I mean there’s some patches of no grass at all. Just dirt.

Am I paranoid or what?

not suicide related

Yeah I have bought lotto tickets over the last view months, look everyone knows this is pointless and stupid… I’m sure that kind of money would be rather useful to my mum, instead of that measly pension she gets…
But nobody wins, and even people who do win sometimes end up in strife anyway. lotto must be so bad since I mostly only win a few dollars. The most I’ve won is around $50. I’ve won more on scratch tickets (disclaimer, they are just as bad). And poker machines? Oh don’t get me started on those evil devices.

As I’ve said, the world already sucks, but now it sucks even more. No, definitely not a world I want to be a part of. I was going to study next year online, but what’s the point, I don’t even want to be here. But of course I’ll never die either because I can’t leave my mum behind now and half the time I’m not even sure if I want to die, and also that dying isn’t SUPER EASY or many more of us would be dead by now.
I feel bad when I post anywhere because despite me suffering years of abuse, I’ve also done things that would be a pipe dream to some people. Like travelling overseas…
Ow, I have no interest in even travelling in my own country in this uhhhh ‘New world’. I’ve stayed in my local area for months. We were never really free and this is just the icing on the cake.
Everything I do is for nothing because I just want to be out of this world, it’s obviously not going to get any better.
I am nothing… nothingness 🙂

Not suicide related

Wouldn’t I only hope? Oh, wouldn’t I only hope? I don’t want to participate in this world. I don’t want to be part of it. I need new friends, I just sadly don’t really want any, nor do I want to spread my blight and misery to anyone else. I wonder why my ex still bothers to live, he quite clearly doesn’t like life and people don’t really want much to do with him. I can only say that he’s made himself lonely. He didn’t have to throw those friends away who disagreed with him on ‘coronavirus’. He didn’t have to throw away others because they ‘don’t do enough with their lives’, which is ironic, because he doesn’t do much with his own.
He should just admit that he’s full of misery…
I’m sitting here looking at online courses. I suppose if they weren’t all super expensive, I would’ve started a while ago? I literally don’t want to do anything with my life. Regarding jobs, I don’t really want to work unless I have to, and nobody is going to employ me anyway, I’m in a small town and remember due to corona there was a bunch of mass sackings.

I feel super insecure in the place I’m living now with my mum because it’s only a 2 year transitional lease. How do people not feel insecure in rentals? Don’t you worry about being evicted over some ‘reason’ all the time, even if it’s not even a reason, and the landlord just decides that they don’t like you?

Why am I still around, I have no purpose here at all… I almost feel like saying, overall, I’ve actually had some very good moments in my life, and, I’m ready to depart…

I think I’ve really reached the bounds of existing now. I have nothing to look forward to. Look I know the world already sucked, but now it well and truly sucks. I’m tired of complaining because I know that so many people have it worse than me right now. There’s so much damage that’s been caused in the world and I don’t see an end in sight.
A few weeks ago I was invited to a wow guild, I’m sure the people there seemed friendly enough to some degree, but all in all I’m sure they didn’t want to hear about my misery anymore. I was babbling to a guild member and all of a sudden she told me that she was logging onto a certain character that wasn’t in the guild, turns out she lied and just logged onto an alternate character in the guild and didn’t even bother to tell me.
Anyway I lasted less than a week in the guild, and I ended up leaving. I dislike getting involved with (most) people very much. So that was a small weight off my shoulders.
I don’t bring anything good to people’s lives and I’m well aware of that by now. So, yeah, I actually figured that the best thing to do was to cut nearly everyone out of my life a few months ago. I’m a messed up person. It’s not a mistake that I am.

Not suicide related

At the end of the day, if my mum doesn’t want to eat enough, that’s up to her. Can’t believe someone suggested that I get her some in home care… aaaaaaaaand what are they supposed to do? put some food in front of my mum and tell her ‘EAT!!!’ or start force feeding her with a spoon? No. they can’t do that. And nor can I. Now I’m taking her to the freaking doctor tomorrow. She’ll see that my mum is still rather underweight and… what am I going to tell the doctor? That my mum doesn’t eat enough? Because that’s the truth. My mum saw a dietitian recently and she followed the meal plan for a couple of days and that was it. There’s a huge tub of protein powder in the cupboard and my mum doesn’t even have the right amount (one scoop) because she says it makes her gassy and fart alot. She doesn’t have many teeth and we can’t even afford to get her false ones. Despite me and her having a terrible father (her partner) and suffering from him for years, it’s clear that my mum has neglected her own health anyway.

There’s literally nothing I can do anymore. Hell, the doctor can even look in my fridge and cupboards and SEE that there’s plenty of food and also the food that the dietitian recommended.

Heck I almost want to leave her be, maybe the doctor can change her diabetes treatment because I think she needs that, but other than that… mum can do what she likes. I’m sure she’s sick of feeling powerless constantly. I don’t want to come across as power hungry. I just care about her and want her to eat enough, but that’s pretty selfish of me and I dislike that :\

I don’t even want to go to the dietitian with her next week, because again, what am I going to tell them? That my mum doesn’t eat enough???? Yes, that’s right…

I’ve already constantly encouraged her to eat meals and try different soft foods and she just does stuff ‘her way’ so what’s the point??? AGAIN, if she doesn’t want to eat enough, THAT’S UP TO HER. For the record I don’t always eat enough either. And……????
I’m sorry mum, I wish I could take your pain away.

I spend too much time thinking about dying nowadays. There’s no hope. There’s no future. They’ll try and force that va ccine on all of us won’t they…?

I wish i could live in another world because I don’t understand this one.

Not suicide related

Nothing brings me joy, it could be said that I brought this upon myself though. The world situation isn’t helping though. And I don’t believe the mainstream media.
I’m not suited for this life or world. I have never been. If I died by accident, that would be great. Although I wouldn’t want to leave my mother behind like that, she kinda relies on me at the moment :\
I’ve had a rather miserable life (some of which I’ve probably created on my own) and I’ve also had good moments.
I’m under 30 but I’ve been around enough. Not going to force that stupid vaccine on me are you? (I’m not an anti vaxxer)… Imagine having to take this vaccine to be able to even go shopping, to work, or to travel. The level of control is astounding.
I’ve heard that it’s a good time to stock up on alot of non perishable food for the time being.
If the world situation gets too bad I may not have any choice but to die. I’m sure many people are thinking this way.
Also deep down I’m full of dislike for people in general, even nice people, so I prefer to not really deal with people.

…to die, that is. Not that I’m going to try and do that anytime soon because reasons.
Just look at the state of the world. And alternative views are always made to look wrong and crazy. It seems that people aren’t allowed to have alternative views anymore!

It’s not going to get better. Well at least I think it won’t, from what I keep seeing. What’s going on now, isn’t ok.

I’ll just say that I don’t believe the official narrative of what is going on in the world.
The future truly looks bleak for so many people.

Not suicide related

There is clearly no point in being emotional over my ex anymore. I have to get into his head. I’ve always wondered how he can manage by showing such little emotion over things, or seemingly none at all (allegedly a sign of a sociopath? haha)
Anything he says or does, its just words. Even if they are ‘nice’ things.
I mean, I foresee that he’ll eventually throw me away in the future anyway, he’s done it to others recently, intentionally or otherwise. Funnily enough it seems like I’m the only person he really talks to lately.
Didn’t really think that the coronavirus situation would cause him to expose himself for who he really is.

(everyone else has been involved with him (I don’t mean in a relationship or close way) was clearly a little stronger than me :P)