Wisp

I can’t do this shit for much longer. There’s not much point in having a boyfriend who lives so far away. Now I’m back to my boring, crap, miserable existence. I really want to help him out but what’s the point… I don’t know how I’m meant to wait to see him in person again. Fuck there really is a reason why women go after rich guys or guys with money at least… well I wanted to not be such a shallow ***** but I can’t pretend I don’t ponder this, or at least that I don’t ponder getting a local boyfriend instead. Because, I do. I really do.

I hate that he’s the only thing that made me happy, he made me smile, he made me feel alive… He’s the only thing I can really bother living for. But I’m ok with dying if we don’t meet again in a few months. I’ve had enough of this existence. Really tired of it and I want out.

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Long distance relationships are far too difficult. I just spent 2 months with him in real life and now I’m going back to my boring miserable life back home. I want a better job, I want to be productive, I would even consider volunteering.

Gosh it really does seem easier to end my life knowing I’ve enjoyed these 2 months very much.

This just hurts so bad. I’m so lonely and I want to cry all the time. It’s torture.

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Not suicide related

Soon I’ll be back in my home country. I’ve spent nearly all my money on my boyfriend (oops?)
I hope I’ll make the flight back, it’s very long. I’m going to help him out. I’ve got to get a better job (wouldn’t think I’d have my other one anymore because I’ve been gone so long). I’ve got to get somewhere. This will be my duty to myself and to him. A bunch of hard work for a potential life of bliss? Well, even if he does l break up with me again, hopefully I’ll be in a better position for myself. So yes it will benefit me and him.

We have so much physical contact, omg he feels so fucking good, it’s like being in heaven. (I don’t mean only sexually. We like to snuggle alot too)

Yeah I’d definitely be willing to work my butt off to see him again. I’m going to try my hardest to get myself out of the rut I am at home.

I don’t like that he isn’t motivated but I’m certain I can motivate him. I feel that perhaps I already have, a little.

We could be so much together…

It’s time I changed my viewpoint here…

I’m going to have my damn bliss…. 😉

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Not really suicide related

The other day me and my boyfriend thought that we would take our laptops with us in the car. Mine was in a backpack, which also contained my passport. And some asshole broke into the vehicle and stole the backpack. So now I’m out a nice laptop and a passport. And I’ll have to get a new passport, at the very least an emergency one. Well I hope they’ll let me get that kind :/

Of course, I bet nothing will happen to the ones who stole my stuff.

This isn’t fair at all. Literally the only thing stolen was the backpack with stuff in it. And my bf has a bunch of stuff in his car. I’m already running out of money and I don’t want to have to pay for this. I was only going to stay with him for a month but I decided to stay with him another month, essentially he’s paid for one month in one place and I’ve paid for one month in another place, which is tiny, old, run down and a dump.

He’s very sweet and helpful and caring but also…
I brought up the fact he lives with his parents and he owns a whole bunch of stuff, I mean he’s got a literal room full of stuff he needs to attend to. As if this guy is ever getting his own rental place on a longer term. No way. So, I told him that this is going to essentially take forever to attend to all of his stuff. He also has 3 cars stored in various places.

He tells me with a straight face ‘I just don’t have any motivation’. Look… You don’t have to hide it, I can tell that you are trying to fill an endless void in your life, you are adding more and more stuff to your collection of stuff… I think this guy is lost and depressed to be honest but he just hides it. Maybe he’s waiting for some rich woman to save him, I have no idea. Although he worked his butt off for my overseas visit to him.

He’s generally very positive with me and very supportive. I just don’t think this guy is really relationship material because of the reasons I stated. Sure let’s get away from our lives for 2 months and try to enjoy our time together while he racks up debt because of me (yeah he’s hopeless with money yet won’t admit lol, and I’m not much better overall…)

I think in the end, I’ll end up letting him go. I’m in a long distance relationship with him but I’m spending time with him in real life now. He used to work different jobs, but got sick of them and eventually quit. Now he works from home… I don’t see anything changing…

I literally see this relationship going nowhere due to his lack of motivation. Because being 33 means your life is over and you can’t really do anything to change it.. oh but apparently I’m young and 26 and I can change my life. Ok???

He’s smart, he can improvise, he can fix and repair alot of stuff, he can get me/him out of sticky situations, he’s a good talker, he’s agile…

Perhaps because he has rich parents who will always let him live with them (when I’m not around due to privacy) , he really does have no incentive to change. He can always fall back on them if something goes wrong.

Hell even his friend seems to be more motivated even though his parents bought him his own place among other things. It would’ve been easy for this guy to just do nothing because his parents pay for it all. But he studies various things and works somewhere. Unfortunately he’s a talking machine looooool.

I think I might go outside alone for a little bit… I know overseas travel is a luxury but I hate having my stuff stolen…

I lay next to him now, he sleeps away peacefully. (We both go to sleep at strange times)…

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not suicide related

I really like my boyfriend alot. But I notice the emptyness and darkness in his eyes and soul… always have, really…
He’s pretty overwhelming but he’s not boring lol.
I feel like a burden to him but he doesn’t want to hear it. He’s very agile and flexible (I’m not agile or flexible at all), I have bad gum disease and I get blood on the sheets and pillows, not even my mum gets blood all over pillows and sheets and she’s 66 or something… so I feel disgusting as well and I’m sorry he even has to put up with that. He told me that I need to get this fixed sometime…
He can talk about his ex with a straight face without being emotional… although he did wonder why I was asking questions about her… then he goes on to reassure me that I am his girlfriend now.
I remember he was at his parent’s house one time, we were staying there, everyone else was smiling and happy pretty much (including me, lol), but he was being all serious, when we went to leave, his brother touched his head and he asked his brother not to touch him. His mum gave me a hug as we left.
They are very inviting whenever my boyfriend visits his parents (he normally lives with them but we are staying with each other for now somewhere else)
They (his parents) always ask me if I’m hungry and sometimes they invite me to conversations and stuff that they do (karaoke for one, lol)

I wonder if there’s something about him that his parents know that I don’t? Is there a subtle hint lurking around somewhere? I myself are pretty cautious about them, but at the same time, generally friendly… they are very nice people I can’t lie lol. Man I’d kill to have parents like that, oh well…

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not suicide related

I feel that everyone else is somewhat agile. I’m only a bit agile when I wear closed in trainers, it seems. Everyone else can get out of a ferris wheel car unassisted, no problem. But when I tried, I felt like I couldn’t balance and I didn’t want to fall. and my boyfriend had to help me get out (he held my arm). Yeah I don’t really expect to be able to climb certain things like my boyfriend can but this is ridiculous. I bet he’s secretly laughing at my bad balance…

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I mostly really enjoy life with my boyfriend but it will inevitably only be temporary (we are in an LDR)… as in, we can only see each other in real life temporarily…

He’s rather intense and overwhelming. He’s very affectionate towards me… as I am with him. But I don’t want to sugar coat it. He already broke up with me once before…

The only Asian (I’m part white too) that he is actually close with is me. His other friends are pretty much a similar racial background to him, even if my boyfriend is more mixed. He told me about a girlfriend of one of his friends. He was able to speak to her in their local language, they were also born in the same country and then moved to another country and grew up there (same as my boyfriend). Imagine me and him doing that, it will never happen…. :/ It makes me feel left out.

Yeah sure his life is difficult, but he always has his rich parents to fall back on. We have a short term rental just for us because he usually lives with his parents. No prob with that except he wants his own place. But I think the comfort zone is just too big for him to leave.

The next few weeks will determine my future, and it looks bleak. Do I really want to go back on an approx total 18 hr flight to my own country after such a short time? No…

I won’t make it… As for him, maybe he’ll find a nice local girl.

This is really of my own doing. I see who other girls choose, guys with a stable financial future and who have $$$. Might be incredibly shallow but I guess for some it’s actually seen as practical.

Is anything really the same anymore, knowing that he did sexual stuff with his ex, not actual sex though (and he’ll always have mental images of it?)

Maybe I really need another boyfriend. But I’m not going to find someone else as twisted and messed up as him, I’m not going to find someone else I can mostly relate with…

I’ll eventually have to off myself out of necessity, not a choice… unless some miracle happens…

Meh enough babbling!!!

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not suicide related

Well what a weird experience it was being at my boyfriends PC (with his permission)! He showed me that he’s got loads of folders containing p orn (with all kinds of women, different body types, shapes). He never looks at it (p orn) when I am around in real life. I don’t really care if he’s got so much porn but wow was it an experience, I did not realize he was actually into everything. What a *bleep* eye opener. Cool, thanks for showing me??? Lol!

He also has alot of screenshots of himself from that video game. Well over 50% of screenshots actually contain me as well. Even screenshots where I’ve really been rather desperate (yeah dude its so damn funny to take screenshots of me showing interest in a female player just so I can get your attention – this was before we got back together btw (me and him)).

He’s not even defensive about any of this… he talks so casually about both things. ‘Yeah I’ve got alot of folders with porn, we can look through them if you’d like to’.

Maybe I’m asking this… is it typical for guys to have such a GIGANTIC porn collection? I’m talking about thousands of pictures.

We have a rather nice sex life so its not about that… ofc, I’m still trying to figure out whether I want to live or not. I don’t feel bad when he is around although he is rather intense, overwhelming and can be opinionated. Sadly I know everything could just fall apart, I chose this… and if it all comes crashing again, I only really have myself to blame.

I guess I’ll just enjoy it while it lasts…

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I got into canada today, was asked questions and then sent to secondary and interrogated…………………………………..
just sharing my experience here.

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anyone else got a hyphenated surname? 😛

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Until I leave…
For 1 month in that country…
I don’t look forward to flying nor any of the crap that goes with it (airports etc).
Oh well. Perhaps it’s time to shut my whiny butt up.

I kind of don’t want to go because of that. I’d want everything to go smoothly but that’s a pipe dream isn’t it???

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Does anyone else get excessively worried when going overseas? i.e. dealing with customs, the airport, etc…?

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I believe that I’m going to Canada in 8 days.
I hope I get in…
Singapore customs was a breeze to get through, seriously.
I get worried about reading how strict US customs is. It seems Canada customs can be this way too. Ugh!
It really worries me. I would absolutely hate to fly all that way just to be sent back…
Maybe I should just stop worrying. Perhaps all my worrying is needless and invalid. I don’t know…

In the meantime…

^if you are ever in Singapore, get yourself here… its quite nice at night! 😛

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I wish I would stop lashing out at my boyfriend, well it’s never really going to get any better. I’ll probably end up driving him away in the end. Yeah imagine that, a fucked up person driving away another fucked up person. :O
I was mad because I wanted to meet 1st August but there’s only like 11 or 12 days away and he still hasn’t found accommodation. Not sure if he’s that BUSY with work, if I’m an asshole, or he’s just lazy. Or I didn’t give him enough notice. Or he doesn’t really want to meet me.
Now I’ll apologise yet again. Don’t care about this shit… yes I do… I’m attracted to him and its making me impatient, I guess at the same time I don’t want to look clingy and obsessed. I guess he doesn’t really trust me anyway. Nobody likes or trusts me. Well, my own fault really lol. Don’t want pity for that.

But I thought he’d be nicer too. I thought he really WANTED TO MEET ME. But he doesn’t actually always show it, which, NEWSFLASH, also makes me wonder.

I should go and cry in a corner forever. I don’t deserve anyone. He told me recently that he’d rather wait until he would get his own permanent place which really could take months… possibly even years. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING MEET HIM DOESN’T HE UNDERSTAND????????? god.

Yes, sometimes I do think of getting another boyfriend, but uhhh… nah. I don’t want to do that…

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I can’t even relate with myself. What am I doing?
I’m starting to get scared… if I meet my boyfriend on Aug 1st, then that’s only like 12 days way… omg really.
That’s crazy… last time we met was May 2018, sooooooo much has happened between then. Dunno what adjective to use lol.
I don’t know how to feel.
I know there’s many who have got it alot worse than me. So I feel bad for even writing here. I always feel bad for writing here. I just like to vent about my stupid so called ‘life’.
I believe he’s the only one in the world who could possibly make my life better (in real life, that is…) and that’s really sad… I’ve tried to make my own life better to no avail. It’s not working. It will never work. I just apologise for my mum for being a crappy daughter… but I know she wanted me to be happy. I know she wanted me to have a guy, maybe even have kids lol… I don’t want kids… but with that guy… yeah I wouldn’t mind… so fucked up, I know!
I didn’t want to rely on him for that (happiness)… but, I’m not nearly the only one. Many do it, and it’s a mistake. My life has been a stream of endless mistakes and I never learn.
I suppose if I’d want any rest, I should try and get it for the next few days, I’m not going to get any rest when he’s around ahahaha (unless I’m sleeping, that is… usual 8-10 hours or whatever).

I seriously wonder how I’m meant to stand 14-15 hours on a plane? I hope there’s some form of entertainment… or I’m going to go mad. Just imagine staring at the seat in front of me for that time…
7 hours was bad enough… too sleepy to do anything, I had to get up a few times and walk up and down the isles in the plane.
If only I could sleep for that whole time but it never ever works that way. Plane seats aren’t very good to sleep in…

I wish that I was never born. I really am a waste of ‘life’.
Darkness…

Meh…

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(I’m complaining again…)
I seriously just hate life. And as I said, I shouldn’t hate life!!!! It’s pathetic! There’s no meaning, there’s nothing. Nothing at all. It’s horrible. My boyfriend is going to be my only hope now… I know this is pathetic too, I shouldn’t rely on him… I don’t know how he keeps going. At least he is smart. I’m not. I just wish I was. I should be sleeping its 12:37am at the time of writing this, but I’ve spent too much on a world of warcraft private server and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for wasting so much money. I am bored most of the time. I wish I actually liked something, everything is just a bandaid for my pathetic life… I might tell him in real life how miserable I am… maybe I’ll just show him… he’ll know and understand, hopefully. Because online I just can’t tell him, he doesn’t understand… well most people don’t understand so oh well…. do I even NEED to be understood because I’m such a fuck up anyway!!!!

I dislike that he gets moody at times, it irritates me…. I should be more empathetic, I can’t expect a happy boyfriend 100% of the time… he probably goes through more crap than me but I don’t want to compare. I remember him telling me that he was at work a few times working on something and he kept having to move out of the way because others had to get past and there wasn’t enough room. He also constantly had other people asking about what he’s doing and wanting to know more about it. Gosh how do you stay sane… how do you not just lose it and punch them all through the wall? I remember I was overseas very recently and the crowds were so annoying, I just wanted to smash them all with a hammer or bulldoze them all out of the way at least!!!!

I’m going to see him next month, well, I seriously hope so, I’m actually being pretty pushy with him now to try and organise a place (accom) for us for a little while… I’m really trying to be patient but its difficult. Damn I hope they let me in the country too I’ve got a few thousand K and yeah not really anything else. I still worry that they will question me. Why the fuck does he have to be in another country well that’s not really his fault…. Sorry about the lack of proper punctuation, I can’t be assed.

I hope he can make my life better I seriously hope so, even its for a little while… I’m so sick of being miserable. I have to say it, Singapore is a nice place, sorry too lazy to upload any photos right now… at least I could hang out at night there at all hours. Sadly where I live I can’t really do that, it’s not safe. But everything is $$$$ I hate that too. I WISH I WOULD STOP COMPLAINING. I just want to cry forever. I do. But what for? I’ve been tortured for long enough. I can’t even tell my boyfriend that I’ve wasted all this money he would be so mad at me and I don’t blame him. I’m such a fucking idiot. Always have been and always will be. I’d rather be in his arms than have to deal with any of this fucking crap anymore. I know alot of people would probably kill to be in my position right now, some people never get the chance to go overseas… I get tired of sounding like an ungrateful loser….

I don’t want to suffer anymore. Nothing lasts anyway.
I don’t see my boyfriend as a solution or anything like that. Maybe temporary. Knowing his past though, I realize that he could just break up with me again. That would suck. But I know that it is a possibility. Wouldn’t blame him. I don’t deserve anyone anyway. I’m sure he already thinks about it, but to flip the coin, I’ve also thought about breaking up with him before. He asks quite a bit of me, I try to keep up. Luckily I enjoy being pretty (shallow, i don’t care). I know he wasn’t ever actively searching but if he does have someone he does want the ‘right’ person. On the other hand I don’t know what I even want… I know seeing him again is going to be crazy because we’ll be doing alot and that’s going to be difficult for me. He’s a very interesting person in my opinion. Unlike me. I hope I’ll be talkative enough. I hope I’ll be this… I hope I’ll be that… if we meet early next month, yes that’s less than a month away! Damn he’s nearly 15000km away from me, I tend to vomit on flights so as usual I should take some (working) travel sickness tablets. Well if it’s not anything else, I hope it will be fun, nothing good ever lasts, I know that….

I’d truly love to be normal, I really would. Well I guess Singapore did teach me one thing very well, shopping is meaningless. (there are MALLS everywhere there, you can’t escape them. lol). So I came back here and I was just so bored of shopping… ok as I said i bought skincare and haircare and clothes there. I admit, I did like shopping for clothes there. Sorry but there’s some really lovely clothes there, how could I not… then there’s starbucks and krispy kremes (don’t have either here) so I went to those places too. Sadly the endless malls ended up being a curse, I spent more than I wanted to. Accom is also expensive in Singapore and I like my private rooms soooo…. :\ Well, yes, at least I don’t want to shop anymore. Maybe its because shopping here is pretty shitty compared to there. Go into a shop here and see a bunch of really ugly clothes, uhhh no thanks… The place is half the size of where I live yet somehow it is more exciting… I like that its safe there, did I mention? But from reading online there’s many people wanting to get out of that place too… I’m just lulled into a false sense of… I don’t know… I’m a tourist and only know tourist things… well, I wasn’t all that touristy. I miss sitting at the esplanade and marina at night time looking up into the clouds… I don’t even have to watch my stuff, I can just lay there and forget about everything temporarily…

I’m really meant to sleep, I’m just so mad at myself, hate myself… sick of myself. So sick of myself, sick of everything. I’ve deleted World of Warcraft yet again…. at least I won’t be touching that crap when I see my boyfriend, thank heck. Have I written enough yet???? Ugh!!!!!!!!

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I’m hiding my real self from my boyfriend more and more often. I don’t want him to know that I’ve been laying in bed alot again (barring the time I went overseas). I don’t want him to find out how boring and pathetic my life is. I know he wants to see myself occupying myself with things to do. Well, I should open my eyes. If I have to pretend, then I guess he isn’t really right for me and he doesn’t understand me. I mean, why else would I pretend?

I foresee this falling apart in the future. He’s judgemental and a hypocrite to boot. His life isn’t really going anywhere and it’s a mess, but I’m not barking at him for it. Because, oh shock, I’m understanding!

But I can’t tell him that I’m miserable. I have my whole life ahead of me. I’m meant to be happy. Cool. I get tired of hearing that.

This is starting to get extremely exhausting having to pretend so much.

I’m better off alone, maybe. Me and him can relate in other ways. I guess that’s why I’m still with him. But when it comes to this, ugh.

If I meet him in real life again, I’m not going to be able to pretend. I won’t be able to lay in bed and do nothing for hours either (barring sleep). I won’t be able to be stuck in a room all day. Or sit at my lappy for countless hours. He’s not going to accept that. He’s actually expecting someone who is confident, like maybe even happy too. Oh god… This hurts my freaking head :/

I’m going to have to be fake the whole time… That is a big task… Yes. I just wish he would wake up and… not be so judgemental. That would be wonderful. I’d like to be able to tell him that I’m miserable and that he would actually listen to me and comfort me….

I admit I don’t really deserve anything. I’m so fucked up in the head. He’s the only person I really talk to online on a regular basis, I don’t want to blight anyone else with my patheticness.

I could only hope that meeting him in real life again would change me. Give me motivation. Make me happy. Stuff like that… but it’s only a pipe dream….

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Anyone can be a ‘creep’, it doesn’t matter what their appearance is, yes even the ‘handsome’ guy can be a total creep too… its just that people are probably less likely to believe such a guy could be a creep (thank society and their stereotypes).

The ‘attractive’ woman can also be a creep.

But instead, we tend to solely deem ‘old men’ and ‘fat and ugly guys’ and ‘ugly guy with acne’ or a guy who just somehow ‘looks like a creep’… as creeps…

I’ve never really been sure as to how someone can just ‘look like a creep’… can you really, truly tell that someone is a creep just by looking at them?

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I’m so miserable… I shouldn’t be…
I don’t think I’ll ever be happy… what is that anyway?
Why am I so pathetic?
I make endless mistakes, I’m just hopeless. I know there’s something wrong with me and there always will be.
If I was a ‘fat and ugly’ guy I’d never have any kind of relationship, nobody would ever want me.
Guys, don’t go on holidays, they won’t make you feel better, and if I have to tell you, if it makes you feel better, its only temporary… you are better off finding something that will make you feel better in the long run….
Having shopping centres located literally freaking everywhere is just sick…sick…sick… (this hypocrite did go shopping though. I’ve only been food shopping since I came back from overseas)…
Well hopefully I’ve finally learnt how meaningless and pointless and stupid shopping really is! But I bought some nice clothes, haircare and skincare… I hate admitting it…
Everything is an illusion, ok?
Because any so called happiness is temporary and then you’ll wake up again for the 1000000000th time and realize life is just complete meaningless bullshit!!!!

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Great now my boyfriend wants to meet in real life again in a few months. Holy shit we’d better resolve this or I might as well just be done with him. This better not be code for ‘I don’t really want to meet you’

I know I’m overreacting, I don’t care really.

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