Wisp

Not suicide related

I feel like I’m on such rocky ground with my ex, although I kinda always was.
He recently cut ties with a couple of local friends he had, due to disagreements (won’t put the topics here). He told one of them to ‘fuck off’. The two friends were also friends with each other. I think my ex has been blocked online by both of them now.
I’m really wondering inside if I actually caused any of this, but not like I cant tell my ex that, he’d just tell me I’m being silly and worrying too much if I did. 😛
He’s also cut ties with other local friends too recently, again, due to disagreements.
Who knows, maybe I’ll be the next one out of his life. I’ve done much worse things to him than his friends ever did, but he still believes that I am not ‘really’ like this and that I have a big heart. It almost makes me lol :\
I don’t disagree with him on these topics, my views just happen to be rather similar to his. I did form my views on this before he brought it up, though.

I want a relationship with him, yet I don’t. It’s kinda been like this most of the time I’ve known him. Why would I want a relationship again? People can just break up anyway, it’s not exclusive to him either lol. Anyway, I feel like I blight as it is, and me and him are both kinda twisted, so we can relate kinda well (I’m not really interested in everything he talks about though).

It’s clear that he has his own issues of course, as do I. Maybe I’m just waiting for him to send a message to say that he’s ‘tired of me’. I’m not exactly an ‘exciting’ person. I’m a really boring person.

Part of me wants to see him in real life again. I just don’t think I’d be ready (but due to events in the world I won’t have to be worrying about this for a long while anyway…)
I know if he were around to hold me, I wouldn’t even be making this stupid pointless post. I know I’m going to get hurt again eventually, it would be inevitable, but that’s my own fault. Part of my twisted self even thinks all the hurt is worth it (he’s broken up with me twice…).

Not suicide related

I was a victim of psychological abuse for nearly 18 years, most of those years i was a child.

Alot of bad stuff happened, but i remember that my dad called me a retard among other things for many years because i was an occasional mouth breather (although for a short while i was a chronic mouth breather).

Yeah that’s how to solve it, psychologically abuse your child about something that’s not even their fault.

Now I’m not really a mouth breather, for at least the past 2 years. Have to pull my lips in and force my mouth shut. I guess I’ve gotten used to it.

He never apologized for this. Such a scumbag! In fact he thinks it’s justified.

We’re all enslaved. Just look at the pandemic…
We are all just puppets to the world’s elite.
The world is a complete joke. I really don’t want to be part of this world anymore. It’s so easy for governments to take all of our ‘toys’ away. The months are going to drag on forever.

I wanted to travel this year (yes i know first world problem lol). Well no. I guess that’s not happening. In fact the government will probably start allowing foreign students in here again long before we can even leave our own country. Lol how dumb is that…..

I don’t really want to write any more about that, this is public. How can anyone have faith in this world. Really. I guess this is all icing on the cake for me. I already didn’t enjoy my life.

Suicides have gone up thanks to these events… It’s no wondering why……. It literally feels like forever and i guess people will assume it’s going to be forever because that’s how it feels!!!!

Enough babbling again…

Not suicide related

I don’t think the past abuse will ever really escape me. I can’t magically erase years upon years of psychological abuse from my mind. I’m always going to have those memories. Apart from that, I’m just a sad excuse for a human being all around. I don’t really care about anyone (I admit it, some can’t :P). I don’t even seem to care about making sure my ex gets enough sleep, or goes to sleep at the right time. I told him that I’ll actually help this time. Meh. I’m just going to feel like a parent now :/

My own sleeping is all over the place, and i don’t seem to care much. I don’t plan on asking him to help out with my sleep anytime soon.

I do nothing productive with my days. Why would i want friends (I don’t deserve them anyway)…? I was talking to a woman i volunteered with a few weeks ago and i told her that i didn’t really have any interests and she looked at me as if i was some sort of freak. Anyone is going to find out how sad and pathetic i am and how pathetic my life is…

It’s obvious that i don’t belong in this world, but I’ll be here to stay. I think i don’t even see the point of dying either. But I’m not scared of death. Either way i have to stick around, i sadly have commitments.

We’re all just toys that are being played with by the elite.
Not only saying this because of corona.
I’m still pretending to fit into this world. I’ll never really fit in. I know i just have to be fake. Oh well.

I don’t really feel like doing anything anymore. But sometimes i do feel like it. I’m not scared of death. I feel suicidal on and off as usual. But i most likely won’t be attempting in any kind of way in the future. An accident would be the best way for me. But i still have some things I sadly need to deal with anyway.

I don’t see the point of life. I don’t see the point in making a point. I just want my ex around physically, just to snuggle. And maybe do more things. It’s sad and pathetic that he was the only thing that made me happy. I don’t know what will happen in the future… maybe i could eventually see him again.

I want to be more productive but i can’t really be bothered. I don’t know why i was even born.

I am moving home soon and that doesn’t excite me either. I wish it did. Yay, new furniture. Not not yay. Yawn.

Can’t i be normal…..?

I’m sorry if my post looks like some kind of virtue signalling.
As if it wasn’t already bad enough. Now the rates of domestic violence, mental illness, and other things are going to go through the roof. People are already killing themselves due to the lockdowns and isolation.
People are losing everything, their jobs, and they can’t even go and visit others (depends on the lockdown severity).

And yes it amazes me (but it shouldn’t) on how easily people are controlled. Humanity is such a failure!
I’m not denying the severity of corona though.
That’s as far as I’ll write.

Nothing brings me happiness. Only my ex did, when I was with him in real life.
Going to sleep nowadays scares me because I keep having nightmares about my dad (again), even though it’s been nearly 2 years since I left him.
I’m super unproductive now. I don’t really do anything except eat, drink, shower, sleep, and fumble with my phone and laptop, mostly doing random google searches and playing a certain video game.
I feel like I’m whinging. I probably am whinging. The coronavirus stuff isn’t helping either.

This coronavirus is making me even more suicidal. I think the large amount of boredom caused by it might just send me to the grave

Ok. I’d like to do it in the next few months. I’m too tired to keep going. There’s other various factors at play too, for example the fact that I don’t like this world for different reasons. Nothing is really keeping me around. I’m not really enjoying this anyway. Well I’ve been suicidal on and off since 2011.

Heck if I died in my sleep, that would be great. Don’t want to deal with any of this crap anymore. I’m really tired of pretending and faking. I can’t keep up this appearance. I really can’t. I’m falling apart. Please can it end already? I’m spending alot of time wishing I just didn’t exist. :/

I think I just want to go in a few months, my life is so unfulfilling and boring. I don’t care to go on much longer. I’m sick of pretending to be happy and ok. I have no hobbies or interests really. My ex will be fine. He’s not going to be lonely. He’s got a new group online where he can talk to people from the game server. He doesn’t need me. If I decide to end it I’ll have to make sure he doesn’t find out. But sadly he probably will because if he contacts me and doesn’t hear back from me I know he’ll come to that conclusion. Well I’ll just have to hope that it doesn’t break him. :/ One of his past friends committed suicide a couple of years ago, although she wasn’t really very close to him…

Maybe something will change in the next few months, maybe…

Not suicide related

I volunteer at a shop (unpaid) and it tends to get quiet and I have nothing to do, same with the other 2 women who work there, they mostly just stand there chatting. I guess according to the manager woman I’m meant to stare at a wall and do nothing instead of being on my phone. Oh I guess it might be because she senses that I’m not rich like her and can’t afford to go away every week end interstate. Lol that’s absolutely great for you if you can do that every weekend, I’m happy for you. Want me to help out? I’m fine with that!

Everyone else from that place is pleasant enough, I’m not sure what her issue is. Does she feel good about boasting about what she can do? Maybe she’s just tired of everyone well guess what so am I but I’m young so I’m not going to tell her that. I’m not even confrontational.

Lol if there was things to do, I wouldn’t be on my phone alot. There’s 3 people working here in the afternoons 2 days per week which is already one person too many. I’m thinking of changing one of the days I work there to another one because I’m finding her presence to be a bit unpleasant. Heck I swear the only reason I bother going on this day anymore is because of the other woman working there, she’s really nice and pleasant. I can tell that the manager doesn’t like me. That’s fine you don’t need to like me. Again really if there were things to do I wouldn’t be on my phone all the time. I’m more than willing to help out.

Why don’t you tell off the other women here for just spending the whole day chatting with each other? I don’t know what this manager is going to tell me next week. Hopefully not about her holidays because I frankly don’t care. Lol.

I’m sure the other women I work with can vouch that I’m not a useless parasite who does nothing all the time. Even the other woman who works with you probably could. Really out of all the workers and customers I happen to see, you are by far the most unpleasant. What a joke.

/Rantover

I’m wondering if the best way to see who your real friends are is to be homeless.
I’ve heard that many lose their friends when they become homeless. In short, people just don’t care. And I guess their friends suddenly see them as nothing as well.
:/

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I hate that I have to live another day knowing that my ex boyfriend doesn’t care about me and doesn’t want me to talk to him…
I’ve unleashed so much erratic and irrational behaviour to him. I sometimes feel ok, but this guilt is constantly lingering inside me… I’m forever going to have to live with this guilt.
I want to genuinely apologize for all the hurt, pain, and suffering that I’ve caused him but I know he wouldn’t be interested in hearing it.
I am thinking that I should wait a few months to do this, but I am itching to do it now! So far I’ve learned about impulse control, and to think before you do things, to listen more often. This has kept me from reaching out to him again.

I just want this resolved NOW. But I am having to control myself. I really do not want to live with this guilt any longer. I have to wake up everyday knowing that he doesn’t give a fuck about me…

I spent nearly all my savings on seeing my long distance relationship ex boyfriend, which was for 2 months.

He lives in the other side of the world, all in all it took me months to save up. He also saved up alot of money too…

He actually ended up in debt again because he spent so much. I ended up nearly broke, and I’m still broke.

whatever you do, don’t spend your savings on something like this, unless you plan to end it soon, perhaps. Again the relationship didn’t last, I feel like I just wasted my money for nothing. 🙁

Inb4 someone says that my ex is unappreciative, he already knows it himself.

Please don’t be like me. Just… please. And don’t be like him 😛

I know I’ll never get over my ex. I didn’t get over him over the first breakup, and I’m not going to ever get over him after the second. He’s like a drug… I’ve installed and deleted the chat app so many times, I’ve tried to take breaks from him, it doesn’t work, and I relapse and I talk to him for hours again, mostly telling him about how I feel and I want him back. He has feelings for me but doesn’t want me back in a relationship.

Yeah I’m really not going to live like this. Nothing has really changed since my last post. I don’t have a reason to live… forever this guy will have a grip on me, I’m pretty sure the only true escape is death. This is all my fault, I accept that. I’ve been able to get over other people quite easily, but with him, no that never happens and never will happen. The longest I went without talking to him was about 27 days and most of the time I was just miserable and crying.

If I could forget about him, I would. But I can’t just click my fingers and do that.

🙁

Well. I’ll try to take a few months to tie up some ends and then I’ll better off myself!

My boyfriend broke up with me again, why bother living, I’m nearly broke… No goals, no hopes, nothing. I don’t even want to go to my volunteering anymore, that I started recently.

Despite everything, he’s the only thing that made me happy. But I can’t have him. LDRs are so difficult. I’d hope he would come back in the future but I don’t have the energy to bother. I’ve had nothing to eat today. I’m really hungry and I don’t think I really even care. I should eat…

Well, hope I’ll finally get peace! Fuck this shit!

I can’t do this shit for much longer. There’s not much point in having a boyfriend who lives so far away. Now I’m back to my boring, crap, miserable existence. I really want to help him out but what’s the point… I don’t know how I’m meant to wait to see him in person again. Fuck there really is a reason why women go after rich guys or guys with money at least… well I wanted to not be such a shallow ***** but I can’t pretend I don’t ponder this, or at least that I don’t ponder getting a local boyfriend instead. Because, I do. I really do.

I hate that he’s the only thing that made me happy, he made me smile, he made me feel alive… He’s the only thing I can really bother living for. But I’m ok with dying if we don’t meet again in a few months. I’ve had enough of this existence. Really tired of it and I want out.

Not suicide related

Long distance relationships are far too difficult. I just spent 2 months with him in real life and now I’m going back to my boring miserable life back home. I want a better job, I want to be productive, I would even consider volunteering.

Gosh it really does seem easier to end my life knowing I’ve enjoyed these 2 months very much.

This just hurts so bad. I’m so lonely and I want to cry all the time. It’s torture.