Wisp

Why don’t I just kill myself instead of risking making another mistake with my ex? I told him that we should take a break from talking because we spend alot of time lately and so he is able to get more things done?
He obviously got offended and now I’ve apologized again.

Nah fuck this shit I just want to die already. All failures need to die. Thought I was doing well at being nice seems I only managed it for a few days.

I’m getting help and they told me that I shouldn’t beat myself up over mistakes, wtf do they know?

I hate that I have to live another day knowing that my ex boyfriend doesn’t care about me and doesn’t want me to talk to him…
I’ve unleashed so much erratic and irrational behaviour to him. I sometimes feel ok, but this guilt is constantly lingering inside me… I’m forever going to have to live with this guilt.
I want to genuinely apologize for all the hurt, pain, and suffering that I’ve caused him but I know he wouldn’t be interested in hearing it.
I am thinking that I should wait a few months to do this, but I am itching to do it now! So far I’ve learned about impulse control, and to think before you do things, to listen more often. This has kept me from reaching out to him again.

I just want this resolved NOW. But I am having to control myself. I really do not want to live with this guilt any longer. I have to wake up everyday knowing that he doesn’t give a fuck about me…

I spent nearly all my savings on seeing my long distance relationship ex boyfriend, which was for 2 months.

He lives in the other side of the world, all in all it took me months to save up. He also saved up alot of money too…

He actually ended up in debt again because he spent so much. I ended up nearly broke, and I’m still broke.

whatever you do, don’t spend your savings on something like this, unless you plan to end it soon, perhaps. Again the relationship didn’t last, I feel like I just wasted my money for nothing. 🙁

Inb4 someone says that my ex is unappreciative, he already knows it himself.

Please don’t be like me. Just… please. And don’t be like him 😛

I know I’ll never get over my ex. I didn’t get over him over the first breakup, and I’m not going to ever get over him after the second. He’s like a drug… I’ve installed and deleted the chat app so many times, I’ve tried to take breaks from him, it doesn’t work, and I relapse and I talk to him for hours again, mostly telling him about how I feel and I want him back. He has feelings for me but doesn’t want me back in a relationship.

Yeah I’m really not going to live like this. Nothing has really changed since my last post. I don’t have a reason to live… forever this guy will have a grip on me, I’m pretty sure the only true escape is death. This is all my fault, I accept that. I’ve been able to get over other people quite easily, but with him, no that never happens and never will happen. The longest I went without talking to him was about 27 days and most of the time I was just miserable and crying.

If I could forget about him, I would. But I can’t just click my fingers and do that.

🙁

Well. I’ll try to take a few months to tie up some ends and then I’ll better off myself!

My boyfriend broke up with me again, why bother living, I’m nearly broke… No goals, no hopes, nothing. I don’t even want to go to my volunteering anymore, that I started recently.

Despite everything, he’s the only thing that made me happy. But I can’t have him. LDRs are so difficult. I’d hope he would come back in the future but I don’t have the energy to bother. I’ve had nothing to eat today. I’m really hungry and I don’t think I really even care. I should eat…

Well, hope I’ll finally get peace! Fuck this shit!

I can’t do this shit for much longer. There’s not much point in having a boyfriend who lives so far away. Now I’m back to my boring, crap, miserable existence. I really want to help him out but what’s the point… I don’t know how I’m meant to wait to see him in person again. Fuck there really is a reason why women go after rich guys or guys with money at least… well I wanted to not be such a shallow ***** but I can’t pretend I don’t ponder this, or at least that I don’t ponder getting a local boyfriend instead. Because, I do. I really do.

I hate that he’s the only thing that made me happy, he made me smile, he made me feel alive… He’s the only thing I can really bother living for. But I’m ok with dying if we don’t meet again in a few months. I’ve had enough of this existence. Really tired of it and I want out.

Not suicide related

Long distance relationships are far too difficult. I just spent 2 months with him in real life and now I’m going back to my boring miserable life back home. I want a better job, I want to be productive, I would even consider volunteering.

Gosh it really does seem easier to end my life knowing I’ve enjoyed these 2 months very much.

This just hurts so bad. I’m so lonely and I want to cry all the time. It’s torture.

Not suicide related

Soon I’ll be back in my home country. I’ve spent nearly all my money on my boyfriend (oops?)
I hope I’ll make the flight back, it’s very long. I’m going to help him out. I’ve got to get a better job (wouldn’t think I’d have my other one anymore because I’ve been gone so long). I’ve got to get somewhere. This will be my duty to myself and to him. A bunch of hard work for a potential life of bliss? Well, even if he does l break up with me again, hopefully I’ll be in a better position for myself. So yes it will benefit me and him.

We have so much physical contact, omg he feels so fucking good, it’s like being in heaven. (I don’t mean only sexually. We like to snuggle alot too)

Yeah I’d definitely be willing to work my butt off to see him again. I’m going to try my hardest to get myself out of the rut I am at home.

I don’t like that he isn’t motivated but I’m certain I can motivate him. I feel that perhaps I already have, a little.

We could be so much together…

It’s time I changed my viewpoint here…

I’m going to have my damn bliss…. 😉

Not really suicide related

The other day me and my boyfriend thought that we would take our laptops with us in the car. Mine was in a backpack, which also contained my passport. And some asshole broke into the vehicle and stole the backpack. So now I’m out a nice laptop and a passport. And I’ll have to get a new passport, at the very least an emergency one. Well I hope they’ll let me get that kind :/

Of course, I bet nothing will happen to the ones who stole my stuff.

This isn’t fair at all. Literally the only thing stolen was the backpack with stuff in it. And my bf has a bunch of stuff in his car. I’m already running out of money and I don’t want to have to pay for this. I was only going to stay with him for a month but I decided to stay with him another month, essentially he’s paid for one month in one place and I’ve paid for one month in another place, which is tiny, old, run down and a dump.

He’s very sweet and helpful and caring but also…
I brought up the fact he lives with his parents and he owns a whole bunch of stuff, I mean he’s got a literal room full of stuff he needs to attend to. As if this guy is ever getting his own rental place on a longer term. No way. So, I told him that this is going to essentially take forever to attend to all of his stuff. He also has 3 cars stored in various places.

He tells me with a straight face ‘I just don’t have any motivation’. Look… You don’t have to hide it, I can tell that you are trying to fill an endless void in your life, you are adding more and more stuff to your collection of stuff… I think this guy is lost and depressed to be honest but he just hides it. Maybe he’s waiting for some rich woman to save him, I have no idea. Although he worked his butt off for my overseas visit to him.

He’s generally very positive with me and very supportive. I just don’t think this guy is really relationship material because of the reasons I stated. Sure let’s get away from our lives for 2 months and try to enjoy our time together while he racks up debt because of me (yeah he’s hopeless with money yet won’t admit lol, and I’m not much better overall…)

I think in the end, I’ll end up letting him go. I’m in a long distance relationship with him but I’m spending time with him in real life now. He used to work different jobs, but got sick of them and eventually quit. Now he works from home… I don’t see anything changing…

I literally see this relationship going nowhere due to his lack of motivation. Because being 33 means your life is over and you can’t really do anything to change it.. oh but apparently I’m young and 26 and I can change my life. Ok???

He’s smart, he can improvise, he can fix and repair alot of stuff, he can get me/him out of sticky situations, he’s a good talker, he’s agile…

Perhaps because he has rich parents who will always let him live with them (when I’m not around due to privacy) , he really does have no incentive to change. He can always fall back on them if something goes wrong.

Hell even his friend seems to be more motivated even though his parents bought him his own place among other things. It would’ve been easy for this guy to just do nothing because his parents pay for it all. But he studies various things and works somewhere. Unfortunately he’s a talking machine looooool.

I think I might go outside alone for a little bit… I know overseas travel is a luxury but I hate having my stuff stolen…

I lay next to him now, he sleeps away peacefully. (We both go to sleep at strange times)…

not suicide related

I really like my boyfriend alot. But I notice the emptyness and darkness in his eyes and soul… always have, really…
He’s pretty overwhelming but he’s not boring lol.
I feel like a burden to him but he doesn’t want to hear it. He’s very agile and flexible (I’m not agile or flexible at all), I have bad gum disease and I get blood on the sheets and pillows, not even my mum gets blood all over pillows and sheets and she’s 66 or something… so I feel disgusting as well and I’m sorry he even has to put up with that. He told me that I need to get this fixed sometime…
He can talk about his ex with a straight face without being emotional… although he did wonder why I was asking questions about her… then he goes on to reassure me that I am his girlfriend now.
I remember he was at his parent’s house one time, we were staying there, everyone else was smiling and happy pretty much (including me, lol), but he was being all serious, when we went to leave, his brother touched his head and he asked his brother not to touch him. His mum gave me a hug as we left.
They are very inviting whenever my boyfriend visits his parents (he normally lives with them but we are staying with each other for now somewhere else)
They (his parents) always ask me if I’m hungry and sometimes they invite me to conversations and stuff that they do (karaoke for one, lol)

I wonder if there’s something about him that his parents know that I don’t? Is there a subtle hint lurking around somewhere? I myself are pretty cautious about them, but at the same time, generally friendly… they are very nice people I can’t lie lol. Man I’d kill to have parents like that, oh well…

not suicide related

I feel that everyone else is somewhat agile. I’m only a bit agile when I wear closed in trainers, it seems. Everyone else can get out of a ferris wheel car unassisted, no problem. But when I tried, I felt like I couldn’t balance and I didn’t want to fall. and my boyfriend had to help me get out (he held my arm). Yeah I don’t really expect to be able to climb certain things like my boyfriend can but this is ridiculous. I bet he’s secretly laughing at my bad balance…

I mostly really enjoy life with my boyfriend but it will inevitably only be temporary (we are in an LDR)… as in, we can only see each other in real life temporarily…

He’s rather intense and overwhelming. He’s very affectionate towards me… as I am with him. But I don’t want to sugar coat it. He already broke up with me once before…

The only Asian (I’m part white too) that he is actually close with is me. His other friends are pretty much a similar racial background to him, even if my boyfriend is more mixed. He told me about a girlfriend of one of his friends. He was able to speak to her in their local language, they were also born in the same country and then moved to another country and grew up there (same as my boyfriend). Imagine me and him doing that, it will never happen…. :/ It makes me feel left out.

Yeah sure his life is difficult, but he always has his rich parents to fall back on. We have a short term rental just for us because he usually lives with his parents. No prob with that except he wants his own place. But I think the comfort zone is just too big for him to leave.

The next few weeks will determine my future, and it looks bleak. Do I really want to go back on an approx total 18 hr flight to my own country after such a short time? No…

I won’t make it… As for him, maybe he’ll find a nice local girl.

This is really of my own doing. I see who other girls choose, guys with a stable financial future and who have $$$. Might be incredibly shallow but I guess for some it’s actually seen as practical.

Is anything really the same anymore, knowing that he did sexual stuff with his ex, not actual sex though (and he’ll always have mental images of it?)

Maybe I really need another boyfriend. But I’m not going to find someone else as twisted and messed up as him, I’m not going to find someone else I can mostly relate with…

I’ll eventually have to off myself out of necessity, not a choice… unless some miracle happens…

Meh enough babbling!!!

not suicide related

Well what a weird experience it was being at my boyfriends PC (with his permission)! He showed me that he’s got loads of folders containing p orn (with all kinds of women, different body types, shapes). He never looks at it (p orn) when I am around in real life. I don’t really care if he’s got so much porn but wow was it an experience, I did not realize he was actually into everything. What a *bleep* eye opener. Cool, thanks for showing me??? Lol!

He also has alot of screenshots of himself from that video game. Well over 50% of screenshots actually contain me as well. Even screenshots where I’ve really been rather desperate (yeah dude its so damn funny to take screenshots of me showing interest in a female player just so I can get your attention – this was before we got back together btw (me and him)).

He’s not even defensive about any of this… he talks so casually about both things. ‘Yeah I’ve got alot of folders with porn, we can look through them if you’d like to’.

Maybe I’m asking this… is it typical for guys to have such a GIGANTIC porn collection? I’m talking about thousands of pictures.

We have a rather nice sex life so its not about that… ofc, I’m still trying to figure out whether I want to live or not. I don’t feel bad when he is around although he is rather intense, overwhelming and can be opinionated. Sadly I know everything could just fall apart, I chose this… and if it all comes crashing again, I only really have myself to blame.

I guess I’ll just enjoy it while it lasts…

I got into canada today, was asked questions and then sent to secondary and interrogated…………………………………..
just sharing my experience here.

anyone else got a hyphenated surname? 😛

Until I leave…
For 1 month in that country…
I don’t look forward to flying nor any of the crap that goes with it (airports etc).
Oh well. Perhaps it’s time to shut my whiny butt up.

I kind of don’t want to go because of that. I’d want everything to go smoothly but that’s a pipe dream isn’t it???

Does anyone else get excessively worried when going overseas? i.e. dealing with customs, the airport, etc…?

I believe that I’m going to Canada in 8 days.
I hope I get in…
Singapore customs was a breeze to get through, seriously.
I get worried about reading how strict US customs is. It seems Canada customs can be this way too. Ugh!
It really worries me. I would absolutely hate to fly all that way just to be sent back…
Maybe I should just stop worrying. Perhaps all my worrying is needless and invalid. I don’t know…

In the meantime…

^if you are ever in Singapore, get yourself here… its quite nice at night! 😛

I wish I would stop lashing out at my boyfriend, well it’s never really going to get any better. I’ll probably end up driving him away in the end. Yeah imagine that, a fucked up person driving away another fucked up person. :O
I was mad because I wanted to meet 1st August but there’s only like 11 or 12 days away and he still hasn’t found accommodation. Not sure if he’s that BUSY with work, if I’m an asshole, or he’s just lazy. Or I didn’t give him enough notice. Or he doesn’t really want to meet me.
Now I’ll apologise yet again. Don’t care about this shit… yes I do… I’m attracted to him and its making me impatient, I guess at the same time I don’t want to look clingy and obsessed. I guess he doesn’t really trust me anyway. Nobody likes or trusts me. Well, my own fault really lol. Don’t want pity for that.

But I thought he’d be nicer too. I thought he really WANTED TO MEET ME. But he doesn’t actually always show it, which, NEWSFLASH, also makes me wonder.

I should go and cry in a corner forever. I don’t deserve anyone. He told me recently that he’d rather wait until he would get his own permanent place which really could take months… possibly even years. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING MEET HIM DOESN’T HE UNDERSTAND????????? god.

Yes, sometimes I do think of getting another boyfriend, but uhhh… nah. I don’t want to do that…

I can’t even relate with myself. What am I doing?
I’m starting to get scared… if I meet my boyfriend on Aug 1st, then that’s only like 12 days way… omg really.
That’s crazy… last time we met was May 2018, sooooooo much has happened between then. Dunno what adjective to use lol.
I don’t know how to feel.
I know there’s many who have got it alot worse than me. So I feel bad for even writing here. I always feel bad for writing here. I just like to vent about my stupid so called ‘life’.
I believe he’s the only one in the world who could possibly make my life better (in real life, that is…) and that’s really sad… I’ve tried to make my own life better to no avail. It’s not working. It will never work. I just apologise for my mum for being a crappy daughter… but I know she wanted me to be happy. I know she wanted me to have a guy, maybe even have kids lol… I don’t want kids… but with that guy… yeah I wouldn’t mind… so fucked up, I know!
I didn’t want to rely on him for that (happiness)… but, I’m not nearly the only one. Many do it, and it’s a mistake. My life has been a stream of endless mistakes and I never learn.
I suppose if I’d want any rest, I should try and get it for the next few days, I’m not going to get any rest when he’s around ahahaha (unless I’m sleeping, that is… usual 8-10 hours or whatever).

I seriously wonder how I’m meant to stand 14-15 hours on a plane? I hope there’s some form of entertainment… or I’m going to go mad. Just imagine staring at the seat in front of me for that time…
7 hours was bad enough… too sleepy to do anything, I had to get up a few times and walk up and down the isles in the plane.
If only I could sleep for that whole time but it never ever works that way. Plane seats aren’t very good to sleep in…

I wish that I was never born. I really am a waste of ‘life’.
Darkness…

Meh…