Wisp

Nearly everyone will try to take advantage of you, and they may do it in sneaky and deceptive ways.

They may try to find out information about you, not because they are interested, but to see how vulnerable you may be, and how sensitive you may be. They try to find all the so call ‘weaknesses’ in you. They will soon use this information to best determine how they will take advantage of you.

They may seem nice at first, or even seen nice for quite a while. But you’ll end up seeing the cracks sooner or later. Appearing nice might be a stepping stone to taking advantage of you later. There’s so many ways a human will do this. Older people tend to be more experienced, and more sneaky. They’ve had alot of practice.

Don’t get me wrong though, people of all ages will try this on you.

I’m seriously done with nearly everyone. Unfortunately the behaviour I described above is natural human behaviour. It doesn’t make it right. It stems back to how selfish we are and that we will do anything to ‘get ahead’ in life, for lack of a better term.
Nobody will surprise me anymore!!!

A Bob Marley Quote ^

But who is worth suffering for?
I’m so tired.

Generic I’m so tired post really.

Not suicide related

Well I consider my mum a friend as well, although that’s family (is it weird to see a family member as a friend???)

Sitting here next to 2 of my soft toys (fantasy creatures)…
I have more soft toys than this, though.
I guess they’ll be my only friends…
They don’t annoy me, they don’t judge, they don’t bully…
They’re just there for me, just because.

(Now I’m not saying that humans should be there for me, just because. No. Realistically, why would anyone do that?)

*Sighs

(Also if I can’t be bothered to talk, the soft toys will understand that as well) 😛

I never needed a friend who calls bullying ‘drama’. that’s offensive and hurtful to bullying victims. Bullying is bullying. Yeah.
Yeah I have reasons to care about my ex using bullying player names referencing me (although the names have stopped).
I guess my ex bullying half the server one time ‘I come here to provoke people to get a reaction for my entertainment’… yes that’s what he said. I might be biased, but this line is bullying.

Finally I don’t care about being liked or being approved by others… it’s more important for me to call out bullies than for me to be liked.

I know I’ve had many stages where I’ve wanted to be liked and approved…

I’m so tired. So tired!!!!
Sick and tired of everyone.

I want to be alone, yet I don’t want to be alone. Go away, miserable world.

Not suicide related

I saw the person who ghosted me in the game server yesterday (looking at stats on a website), and saw them rejoin the discord server again, around the same time with someone else.

And yes this is the same person who asked me to let them know if I didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

I thought they were my friend…
In a rage I blocked them and the other person who joined the server.

They only make me angry now, I wish I would not see them anywhere…

I’m probably overreacting but I’m tired of people. Especially people like this. Don’t tell me to let you know if I don’t want to talk to you anymore when quite clearly you had no intention of doing this yourself!!!!

So I know this guy (I’ll call him John) stood up for me when my ex was using bullying names towards me on the video game server.

I know a high level admin (I’ll call him Sam) of the server was bullying John. John is also an admin but he is of a lower level. Sam had called John names and made nasty remarks about his life i.e. ‘you have no life!’. John asked Sam to stop. Sam refused. The next day John confronted Sam. Sam erased the conversation and never apologized. Can you say ‘coward’?

I’ve known John much longer than Sam, even though they are both acquaintances.

When someone had called Sam names on the server, Sam gave them a ban. Yet, Sam seems to think it’s ok to bully John. Sam knows that he can get away with bullying because of his admin status and due to the fact that many people like him on the server.

Well. I’m not really liked anyway…
So today I told Sam that he’s a bully and that I want nothing to do with bullies, and then blocked him on a chat app.
I also told Sam about when he banned a player for calling him names. So I understand that Sam doesn’t like being bullied. But it’s ok to bully John!

(John is unable to ban players because his admin status is not high enough).

So yeah. F*** you Sam. I thought about leaving the server yesterday anyway due to people making hurtful comments towards me and laughing about it.

Sam and a bunch of others will probably end up hating me now…
But I called out a bully! I think that’s a good thing to do…

If someone defends me from bullying, it’s only fair that I defend them too.

Not suicide related

New online friend ghosted me, not really sure why. Ironically they told me to let them know if I no longer wanted to talk to them…
… well they didn’t do that for me.

Now I’m stuck with only one online friend, won’t be long before she gets sick and tired of me and leaves as well. Sometimes she doesn’t reply to what I write. But I understand. I’m very, very unlikable.

I think I should give up. Don’t even like people anyway. I mean I talk to other people on the game server but they are all acquaintances…

Better that way, don’t have all the bullshit of being friends because that word seems to have no meaning.

It’s hard to not believe that people are laughing at me…

All the so called ‘weak’ people in society get mocked, ridiculed and even bullied. But sometimes it’s more subtle, like… deep down others won’t like you. But they don’t show it.

Why bother trusting people? Don’t do that!

As always, miserable.

I’m not sure I really want to be in contact with them, the police asked me for their details (names) so I gave them the names. That was in relation to my dad’s death.

But I’m tired of people, and I just got off the phone with a relative. I’m sure she’s laughing at how much of a failure I am to herself.

I have no reason to contact my family, really. For what? To talk about dad’s death? Well I don’t need to tell them that. It seemed they knew that he had a drinking problem though.

I just want to be left alone 🙁

But I don’t want to be mean and shut my family out…
Why did dad have to die? Why wasn’t it me instead? He got his peace.

Then again I have my mum and I shouldn’t really be wanting to die… but… I don’t know. Again I’m just spending more time with her lately..
I should be.
Why wouldn’t I be?
Life is short, my dad’s death showed that (even if cirrhosis is a death sentence when you don’t stop drinking…).

This post is a mess

I just want to go…
I just want to go ..
I just want to go………
Always miserable.

Not suicide related

POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING (sexual abuse)

Around 2 years ago I met this guy at a beauty salon who acted in a creepy way and did creepy things.
(Creepy things like grabbing me and kissing my lips and touching my face. He also looked down my dress and asked if my breasts were real after looking at my bra down my dress). I felt like a whore afterwards 🙁
(I bet he only asked this as an excuse to look down my dress, nobody could be that stupid, my breasts don’t look fake at all, nor have I had surgery there).

Reviews on Google also suggested that he was creepy towards other women who visited this place while it was still operating (it’s now closed and all reviews are gone)
Not to mention that this place also sells a brand of overpriced scammy beauty products. I was very gullible and bought these products. By the way, they don’t even really work…

Anyway I did report him to the police a couple of days or so later, but I didn’t end up going any further with it, so nothing happened to him. I was victim blamed for wearing a dress (long dress), I was literally asked ‘why were you wearing a dress?’….
My ex at the time got angry at me and told me I was a cheater.
Other police told me that they thought the guy was desirable because he was ‘hot’ and was rich ($$$).
Hot? Are you kidding me? This guy has got an ego higher than the sky… that’s not hot at all…

I felt a bit sorry for this guy, but I think overall he was just a scummy character. A few days later I looked up his name on Facebook and his profile said that he was married. Why was he a scummy character? Well being supposedly ‘hot’ and rich, it seems you can get away with alot. And he knows this.

The only thing this guy cared about was his reputation and nothing else.

Everyone takes advantage of the ‘weak’, vulnerable and ‘dumb’. Yeah, there’s a reason why I put those in inverted commas…

Yes, everyone. It’s just done in different ways. Sometimes it’s rather subtle!

I dislike nearly everyone.

Oh and the last one… if society doesn’t see you as ‘normal’, you’ll be garbage in their eyes.

Not suicide related

I’m so lonely… I’ve been kinda trying to interact with others in the online game, even though the game isn’t there for socialising.
I don’t want others to find out what I’m like though, they’ll probably laugh. I’m useless, miserable and am done with life.

I don’t know why I bother. Most people in this world are needlessly judgemental anyway.
Most people also don’t care about others, that’s just how we are…

I believe that there’s someone out there for everyone. Unfortunately we’ll probably never meet this ‘someone’ in our lives.
They are out there, just the likelihood of ever coming across them is extremely low, miniscule chance.

Well I shouldn’t complain about being lonely. Some of it is my fault. Remember me saying that i don’t want to subject others to my stupid self? Now I complain about being lonely.

I can’t bring any value to someone’s life. I really can’t.

Can’t relate to anyone

Not suicide related

I wish my mum would take better care of her diabetes, her eyesight already has complications…
on the other hand, the only way to manage diabetes to restrict yourself alot, e.g. following strict diet.

It’s just awful all around.
I just wish my mum didn’t have diabetes.
I see her as a person. I like her as that. She isn’t a ‘disease’ nor ‘diabetes’.

She’s nearly 70, I feel like such a burden. I’ve tried to help her with her diabetes. I’ve tried to get her eye surgery, everything was explained, even pictures of the eye surgery were shown. She’ll eventually go ‘completely blind’.

I don’t want to interfere with her anymore. I don’t really even know what to do.
Doing nothing makes me an evil person.
Trying to force her to get help also makes me evil.
Right?

There’s just no way, no way at all… I think about letting her be, for at least some weeks… going to the doctor, or anyone, isn’t going to do anything if advice isn’t followed. Again, I wish my mum just didn’t have this stupid diabetes. I’m sorry.
type 2

I really want to go. Yeah I’ve made up my mind. But I’ll have to keep existing in the meantime.
I look forward to nothing in this life, nothing nothing nothing.
At least I have my mum.

I created an imaginary boyfriend. Yeah I’m pathetic.

I just want to go. Can’t handle all this misery… 🙁
Seems I can’t add a title to posts on my phone anymore. Not sure about my computer, haven’t tried it.
🙁

I just hate where the world is going (I won’t really expand on that here).
I wish I could live in a fantasy world. Real life is awful. I doubt I’d ever want to die in a fantasy world.

I thought it would’ve taken longer to get over my ex. I just ended up putting him in the category of very judgmental people. And that’s what most people are, sadly. My friend is alot less judgemental. There’s a rather small group of people in this world who aren’t needlessly judgemental.

I wasn’t put on this Earth to impress my ex with ‘bettering’ myself.
So I guess this is one good thing.

I’m not really looking for anyone, even though I like one of my neighbours. I told my friend I was done with relationships… I also like my friend but I’m fine with just being friends. Seems he’s done with relationships too. Well I may not entirely be done with relationships… it just sucks to put in effort and it doesn’t work out, etc.

I’m still having nightmares about my dad…

I really want to be gone, overall, as usual. I’ve had this belief that this world isn’t for me and it’s stuck with me a long while. My mum can be moody like me but I feel she sort of understands me.
I am such a burden…

I want my suffering to be over…
I really am only alive because of her. I’m just done… I’m existing, even though I play that video game and maybe do some other things. Whatever.

🙁

Not suicide related
I ended up resolving the issue with my friend. Thanks for replying.

One of the taxi drivers I come across here is rather cute. He lives across the road from me. I went out to check the mail and noticed he was working on his car. Sometimes I think about going over there to say ‘hi’ but he would probably think I’m a creep. And there’s no reason to be trying to talk to him anyway. I can’t even bring myself to engage in conversation with him in the taxi whenever I end up getting one.

I think I should just let this go. I hate myself for liking him. I don’t even know him. He’s always polite and friendly whenever I take a taxi when he’s driving though.

I’m completely unlikable anyway. I don’t meet society’s standards. And I don’t like people.

Yeeeeah I’m a broken record.
I just want to be gone…
My ex isn’t really worth my thoughts. Why would I have wanted to spend my life with such a judgemental person? The world is full of those .
Did I relate to him, really really? I think it was a facade and an illusion…

I have this person I seem to talk to on a daily basis. I’m just sorry about all the suffering he goes through. I can’t help anyone anyway. Just be there…

Again though, this is the only place I can really talk about suicide. Online. Another website as well. People just don’t understand it!

I know that I’ll always want to go …