Wisp

Not suicide related

Wouldn’t I only hope? Oh, wouldn’t I only hope? I don’t want to participate in this world. I don’t want to be part of it. I need new friends, I just sadly don’t really want any, nor do I want to spread my blight and misery to anyone else. I wonder why my ex still bothers to live, he quite clearly doesn’t like life and people don’t really want much to do with him. I can only say that he’s made himself lonely. He didn’t have to throw those friends away who disagreed with him on ‘coronavirus’. He didn’t have to throw away others because they ‘don’t do enough with their lives’, which is ironic, because he doesn’t do much with his own.
He should just admit that he’s full of misery…
I’m sitting here looking at online courses. I suppose if they weren’t all super expensive, I would’ve started a while ago? I literally don’t want to do anything with my life. Regarding jobs, I don’t really want to work unless I have to, and nobody is going to employ me anyway, I’m in a small town and remember due to corona there was a bunch of mass sackings.

I feel super insecure in the place I’m living now with my mum because it’s only a 2 year transitional lease. How do people not feel insecure in rentals? Don’t you worry about being evicted over some ‘reason’ all the time, even if it’s not even a reason, and the landlord just decides that they don’t like you?

Why am I still around, I have no purpose here at all… I almost feel like saying, overall, I’ve actually had some very good moments in my life, and, I’m ready to depart…

I think I’ve really reached the bounds of existing now. I have nothing to look forward to. Look I know the world already sucked, but now it well and truly sucks. I’m tired of complaining because I know that so many people have it worse than me right now. There’s so much damage that’s been caused in the world and I don’t see an end in sight.
A few weeks ago I was invited to a wow guild, I’m sure the people there seemed friendly enough to some degree, but all in all I’m sure they didn’t want to hear about my misery anymore. I was babbling to a guild member and all of a sudden she told me that she was logging onto a certain character that wasn’t in the guild, turns out she lied and just logged onto an alternate character in the guild and didn’t even bother to tell me.
Anyway I lasted less than a week in the guild, and I ended up leaving. I dislike getting involved with (most) people very much. So that was a small weight off my shoulders.
I don’t bring anything good to people’s lives and I’m well aware of that by now. So, yeah, I actually figured that the best thing to do was to cut nearly everyone out of my life a few months ago. I’m a messed up person. It’s not a mistake that I am.

Not suicide related

At the end of the day, if my mum doesn’t want to eat enough, that’s up to her. Can’t believe someone suggested that I get her some in home care… aaaaaaaaand what are they supposed to do? put some food in front of my mum and tell her ‘EAT!!!’ or start force feeding her with a spoon? No. they can’t do that. And nor can I. Now I’m taking her to the freaking doctor tomorrow. She’ll see that my mum is still rather underweight and… what am I going to tell the doctor? That my mum doesn’t eat enough? Because that’s the truth. My mum saw a dietitian recently and she followed the meal plan for a couple of days and that was it. There’s a huge tub of protein powder in the cupboard and my mum doesn’t even have the right amount (one scoop) because she says it makes her gassy and fart alot. She doesn’t have many teeth and we can’t even afford to get her false ones. Despite me and her having a terrible father (her partner) and suffering from him for years, it’s clear that my mum has neglected her own health anyway.

There’s literally nothing I can do anymore. Hell, the doctor can even look in my fridge and cupboards and SEE that there’s plenty of food and also the food that the dietitian recommended.

Heck I almost want to leave her be, maybe the doctor can change her diabetes treatment because I think she needs that, but other than that… mum can do what she likes. I’m sure she’s sick of feeling powerless constantly. I don’t want to come across as power hungry. I just care about her and want her to eat enough, but that’s pretty selfish of me and I dislike that :\

I don’t even want to go to the dietitian with her next week, because again, what am I going to tell them? That my mum doesn’t eat enough???? Yes, that’s right…

I’ve already constantly encouraged her to eat meals and try different soft foods and she just does stuff ‘her way’ so what’s the point??? AGAIN, if she doesn’t want to eat enough, THAT’S UP TO HER. For the record I don’t always eat enough either. And……????
I’m sorry mum, I wish I could take your pain away.

I spend too much time thinking about dying nowadays. There’s no hope. There’s no future. They’ll try and force that va ccine on all of us won’t they…?

I wish i could live in another world because I don’t understand this one.

Not suicide related

Nothing brings me joy, it could be said that I brought this upon myself though. The world situation isn’t helping though. And I don’t believe the mainstream media.
I’m not suited for this life or world. I have never been. If I died by accident, that would be great. Although I wouldn’t want to leave my mother behind like that, she kinda relies on me at the moment :\
I’ve had a rather miserable life (some of which I’ve probably created on my own) and I’ve also had good moments.
I’m under 30 but I’ve been around enough. Not going to force that stupid vaccine on me are you? (I’m not an anti vaxxer)… Imagine having to take this vaccine to be able to even go shopping, to work, or to travel. The level of control is astounding.
I’ve heard that it’s a good time to stock up on alot of non perishable food for the time being.
If the world situation gets too bad I may not have any choice but to die. I’m sure many people are thinking this way.
Also deep down I’m full of dislike for people in general, even nice people, so I prefer to not really deal with people.

…to die, that is. Not that I’m going to try and do that anytime soon because reasons.
Just look at the state of the world. And alternative views are always made to look wrong and crazy. It seems that people aren’t allowed to have alternative views anymore!

It’s not going to get better. Well at least I think it won’t, from what I keep seeing. What’s going on now, isn’t ok.

I’ll just say that I don’t believe the official narrative of what is going on in the world.
The future truly looks bleak for so many people.

Not suicide related

There is clearly no point in being emotional over my ex anymore. I have to get into his head. I’ve always wondered how he can manage by showing such little emotion over things, or seemingly none at all (allegedly a sign of a sociopath? haha)
Anything he says or does, its just words. Even if they are ‘nice’ things.
I mean, I foresee that he’ll eventually throw me away in the future anyway, he’s done it to others recently, intentionally or otherwise. Funnily enough it seems like I’m the only person he really talks to lately.
Didn’t really think that the coronavirus situation would cause him to expose himself for who he really is.

(everyone else has been involved with him (I don’t mean in a relationship or close way) was clearly a little stronger than me :P)

Not suicide related

This world is fucked. It won’t ever be the same again. Well, the world was already pretty bad anyways.

Hopefully I’ll be dead in the next year or so, I still have commitments, and again, it’s not easy to die, or many more would be doing it.
(Wouldn’t want to fail at that…)

Look at brain damaged people in wheelchairs for example. I’m not belittling them or picking on them. Why would anyone want to ‘live’ like that? It looks like a non existence to me.
Yeah brain damage can happen if you don’t succeed at suicide…

Part of me wants to live and hope that the world will get better, but i know that it won’t. I’m talking about COVID and all that goes with that. Having freedoms taken away. Nah I’m not denying that it exists. But yeah, it really doesn’t all add up.
I don’t want to say any more here…

Not suicide related

Ugh…..
I don’t even know what to write.
I don’t even want anything (yet I do, yet I don’t)
I don’t even have any goals
I don’t really even care…….

So Reckful ‘proposed to his ex’ on twitter before he committed suicide. It does seem a bit out of a place, and I think he was the one who broke up with her but I don’t know…
I’m not sure if he really meant it, but maybe he did. Maybe he thought all of his problems would go away if she saw it in time and said yes. This is just really sticking in my mind…

Not suicide related

How can I possibly like where this world is going? I can’t even believe what I’m seeing anymore :\

Not suicide related

If my ex ends up throwing me away, I should accept it. After all, a bunch of people have been leaving his life lately. Mostly because of disagreements with coronavirus.
Hardly anyone on the game server talks to him anymore.
His parents clearly don’t like him and his mum subtly warned me about him months ago.
Oh well. 🙁
He told a friend to ‘fuck off’ because he had different views on coronavirus. His friend blocked my ex a few days later on a messaging app.
So on the upside, I won’t be alone if he gets rid of me too. I won’t even be blaming myself. It will be his fault, his own problem.

Not suicide related

I feel like I’m on such rocky ground with my ex, although I kinda always was.
He recently cut ties with a couple of local friends he had, due to disagreements (won’t put the topics here). He told one of them to ‘fuck off’. The two friends were also friends with each other. I think my ex has been blocked online by both of them now.
I’m really wondering inside if I actually caused any of this, but not like I cant tell my ex that, he’d just tell me I’m being silly and worrying too much if I did. 😛
He’s also cut ties with other local friends too recently, again, due to disagreements.
Who knows, maybe I’ll be the next one out of his life. I’ve done much worse things to him than his friends ever did, but he still believes that I am not ‘really’ like this and that I have a big heart. It almost makes me lol :\
I don’t disagree with him on these topics, my views just happen to be rather similar to his. I did form my views on this before he brought it up, though.

I want a relationship with him, yet I don’t. It’s kinda been like this most of the time I’ve known him. Why would I want a relationship again? People can just break up anyway, it’s not exclusive to him either lol. Anyway, I feel like I blight as it is, and me and him are both kinda twisted, so we can relate kinda well (I’m not really interested in everything he talks about though).

It’s clear that he has his own issues of course, as do I. Maybe I’m just waiting for him to send a message to say that he’s ‘tired of me’. I’m not exactly an ‘exciting’ person. I’m a really boring person.

Part of me wants to see him in real life again. I just don’t think I’d be ready (but due to events in the world I won’t have to be worrying about this for a long while anyway…)
I know if he were around to hold me, I wouldn’t even be making this stupid pointless post. I know I’m going to get hurt again eventually, it would be inevitable, but that’s my own fault. Part of my twisted self even thinks all the hurt is worth it (he’s broken up with me twice…).

Not suicide related

I was a victim of psychological abuse for nearly 18 years, most of those years i was a child.

Alot of bad stuff happened, but i remember that my dad called me a retard among other things for many years because i was an occasional mouth breather (although for a short while i was a chronic mouth breather).

Yeah that’s how to solve it, psychologically abuse your child about something that’s not even their fault.

Now I’m not really a mouth breather, for at least the past 2 years. Have to pull my lips in and force my mouth shut. I guess I’ve gotten used to it.

He never apologized for this. Such a scumbag! In fact he thinks it’s justified.

We’re all enslaved. Just look at the pandemic…
We are all just puppets to the world’s elite.
The world is a complete joke. I really don’t want to be part of this world anymore. It’s so easy for governments to take all of our ‘toys’ away. The months are going to drag on forever.

I wanted to travel this year (yes i know first world problem lol). Well no. I guess that’s not happening. In fact the government will probably start allowing foreign students in here again long before we can even leave our own country. Lol how dumb is that…..

I don’t really want to write any more about that, this is public. How can anyone have faith in this world. Really. I guess this is all icing on the cake for me. I already didn’t enjoy my life.

Suicides have gone up thanks to these events… It’s no wondering why……. It literally feels like forever and i guess people will assume it’s going to be forever because that’s how it feels!!!!

Enough babbling again…

Not suicide related

I don’t think the past abuse will ever really escape me. I can’t magically erase years upon years of psychological abuse from my mind. I’m always going to have those memories. Apart from that, I’m just a sad excuse for a human being all around. I don’t really care about anyone (I admit it, some can’t :P). I don’t even seem to care about making sure my ex gets enough sleep, or goes to sleep at the right time. I told him that I’ll actually help this time. Meh. I’m just going to feel like a parent now :/

My own sleeping is all over the place, and i don’t seem to care much. I don’t plan on asking him to help out with my sleep anytime soon.

I do nothing productive with my days. Why would i want friends (I don’t deserve them anyway)…? I was talking to a woman i volunteered with a few weeks ago and i told her that i didn’t really have any interests and she looked at me as if i was some sort of freak. Anyone is going to find out how sad and pathetic i am and how pathetic my life is…

It’s obvious that i don’t belong in this world, but I’ll be here to stay. I think i don’t even see the point of dying either. But I’m not scared of death. Either way i have to stick around, i sadly have commitments.

We’re all just toys that are being played with by the elite.
Not only saying this because of corona.
I’m still pretending to fit into this world. I’ll never really fit in. I know i just have to be fake. Oh well.

I don’t really feel like doing anything anymore. But sometimes i do feel like it. I’m not scared of death. I feel suicidal on and off as usual. But i most likely won’t be attempting in any kind of way in the future. An accident would be the best way for me. But i still have some things I sadly need to deal with anyway.

I don’t see the point of life. I don’t see the point in making a point. I just want my ex around physically, just to snuggle. And maybe do more things. It’s sad and pathetic that he was the only thing that made me happy. I don’t know what will happen in the future… maybe i could eventually see him again.

I want to be more productive but i can’t really be bothered. I don’t know why i was even born.

I am moving home soon and that doesn’t excite me either. I wish it did. Yay, new furniture. Not not yay. Yawn.

Can’t i be normal…..?

I’m sorry if my post looks like some kind of virtue signalling.
As if it wasn’t already bad enough. Now the rates of domestic violence, mental illness, and other things are going to go through the roof. People are already killing themselves due to the lockdowns and isolation.
People are losing everything, their jobs, and they can’t even go and visit others (depends on the lockdown severity).

And yes it amazes me (but it shouldn’t) on how easily people are controlled. Humanity is such a failure!
I’m not denying the severity of corona though.
That’s as far as I’ll write.

Nothing brings me happiness. Only my ex did, when I was with him in real life.
Going to sleep nowadays scares me because I keep having nightmares about my dad (again), even though it’s been nearly 2 years since I left him.
I’m super unproductive now. I don’t really do anything except eat, drink, shower, sleep, and fumble with my phone and laptop, mostly doing random google searches and playing a certain video game.
I feel like I’m whinging. I probably am whinging. The coronavirus stuff isn’t helping either.

This coronavirus is making me even more suicidal. I think the large amount of boredom caused by it might just send me to the grave