It’s been two years since I’ve looked at this website. But today, and lately, for a while.. I’ve been thinking about how it’d be if I wasn’t here. It’s not like anybody would notice I’m gone. I lost custody of my daughter for having an eating disorder. I lost my family for failing at treatment. I lost myself trying to recover and pretending that I’m okay. And now I’m left with nothing and nobody and I’m just done. I want to die. I want to be alone forever and not have to eat or drink water or move or think or cry. I wish I could cry but at the same time I wish the urge to cry nonstop would go away and my heart would stop hurting. I’m either going to stop eating and starve to death or I’ll just do it myself, nice and fast. If I do that somebody has to find my body. If I die of starvation, I’ll die skinny and slowly die like it was an accident and I won’t be blamed. That seems like a much better option. But it also takes a lot longer. I’d be hurting for longer and People would notice and try to stop me, like they have before. I just want to be alone so I can die in peace. I want to scream on a mountain and never be seen again. I want to drown in a lake and never be found. I just want to fade away, disappear, leave the world with nobody noticing. I lose my daughter tomorrow… and idk how to live without her. She’s my everything and I have nobody. They say I’m still sick.. I still struggle. Of course I do. I have no home, no family, no place to go, nobody to ask for help. Nobody hears me when my body doesn’t show my struggle. Idk how to ask for help without using my body to signal it, underweight tends to scream help. But being a healthy weight, I’m healthy I must be happy and fine right? I must be doing SO GOOD! Right? Wrong. Because I didn’t want to die when I was starving to death.. but now that I’m not I want to die more than ever. I miss my heart failing. I miss my bones. I miss the numbness from starvation and I hate the numbness from too much sadness. I hate me. I hate my life. I have no purpose. I’m done.