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I’m done

by wintergirldying

It’s been two years since I’ve looked at this website. But today, and lately, for a while.. I’ve been thinking about how it’d be if I wasn’t here. It’s not like anybody would notice I’m gone. I lost custody of my daughter for having an eating disorder. I lost my family for failing at treatment. I lost myself trying to recover and pretending that I’m okay. And now I’m left with nothing and nobody and I’m just done. I want to die. I want to be alone forever and not have to eat or drink water or move or think or cry. I wish I could cry but at the same time I wish the urge to cry nonstop would go away and my heart would stop hurting. I’m either going to stop eating and starve to death or I’ll just do it myself, nice and fast. If I do that somebody has to find my body. If I die of starvation, I’ll die skinny and slowly die like it was an accident and I won’t be blamed. That seems like a much better option. But it also takes a lot longer. I’d be hurting for longer and People would notice and try to stop me, like they have before. I just want to be alone so I can die in peace. I want to scream on a mountain and never be seen again. I want to drown in a lake and never be found. I just want to fade away, disappear, leave the world with nobody noticing. I lose my daughter tomorrow… and idk how to live without her. She’s my everything and I have nobody. They say I’m still sick.. I still struggle. Of course I do. I have no home, no family, no place to go, nobody to ask for help. Nobody hears me when my body doesn’t show my struggle. Idk how to ask for help without using my body to signal it, underweight tends to scream help. But being a healthy weight, I’m healthy I must be happy and fine right? I must be doing SO GOOD! Right? Wrong. Because I didn’t want to die when I was starving to death.. but now that I’m not I want to die more than ever. I miss my heart failing. I miss my bones. I miss the numbness from starvation and I hate the numbness from too much sadness. I hate me. I hate my life. I have no purpose. I’m done.

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The Parallel Thought 6/17/2019 - 11:00 pm

Have you ever had a sleepless night, where you lie in bed and stare at the darkness? What came to mind in those moments, did it feel… like happiness. The world is a dark place and a scary place to be alone, I’m convinced there horrible things that happen that we cant even imagine because no one was left to tell the story. And you’re saying that’s what you want for your life. I think you want love and peace of mind, not to feel like tomorrow might knock you down. I think people let you down and made you feel like there is no where you belong. Its hard to want to live but not be able to escape the things that make you want to die. I’m not saying I know how you feel, but I want you to be honest with yourself. You don’t want to be alone. But you need to realize that death isn’t something you walk into expecting better things. Death is cold and it’s lonely, and no one knows what comes after. But whatever comes after, it’s not something you want to face alone. Life is all we know, so don’t give yours up so easily.

Cause of Death: Suicide 6/18/2019 - 9:04 pm

I have been desperate for a way out for a very long time. I do not have anorexia, but I have thought myself of starving myself when I have been unaware of any other ways to commit suicide. There are faster and easier ways that seem not too much of a hassle, so when I go to actually commit (I don’t know when because I keep getting distracted and thrown off track. I was actually supposed to have already committed 7 years ago and not be here today, so I know what it is like to have no meaning or purpose.) It depends how nutrient deprived your body is, but starvation can take up to 90 days and even then you might still be kicking. Now, I know starvation isn’t the route I would take after 15 years of research, but it doesn’t make you a bad person to be anorexic and starve yourself every once in a while. I am also offered frequently “help” that I do not want, and I would decline of course, but it usually is just randomly forced on me. The type of help I desire is not something that is usually acceptable in their world (assisted suicide), but then again I have never had anything to lose like a family, child, home, or friendship so of course you are the one in the crisis here. If you are in a situation where you are seeking help but it is not put in your face and plainly offered to you, there are ways, people, places, organizations where you can call, get a ride to, visit that can assist you with your anorexia. for example, you can voluntarily put your self in an intensive care unit (where they will assist you with your anorexia.) I don’t know, but I think they would start you on a lot of pediasure.

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