do you ever feel like you’re already dead ? like you aren’t really living , just going thru the motions of life and hoping to fit in ? do you really feel alive ? just curious .. – xoxo , Li <3
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Concerning, about life, I just want to live out my life peacefully. Something is trying to prevent me.
Always, I wouldn’t have it any other way for the most part, to fit in would mean to “conform” that is where the robot thing comes in, some people have great influence in positions of power! Other things aren’t people but some type of rules or cancer like depression that Makes people lives miserable, I’ve always had to fight those vampires! Trying to steal my soul and of others around me, it gets pretty lonely running around trying to stick a steaks into their hearts, but when you do it’s wonder! marvelous! makes me feel alive! But that’s me, I remember one time I Tried to change a rule about boys and girls not being able to play together at a middle school, I STARTED A RIOT! I was put in detention for the whole year at recess! watching them play from the benches, they even had a guard watch me! So yeah that was lonely! the rules were changed eventually and I was released back into the population! THE FOOLS! HA HA! Anyways everyone one feels like that if they are different like most people on here! Everyone on here is on the benches like I was for one reason or another.
Now to answer your question in full , I don’t know of anyone that hasn’t felt all those things like what your asking at some stage of their lives, when you have had enough Start a riot! And thing’s will get better eventually 🙂
For the longest time, I didn’t care about my life. I was pretty much neutral on the subject, saying to myself that life is finite and death is infinite so that I might as well experience it while I can. At the same time; “if I die, I die”. I was quite lonely and really did just act things out. I was just “going with the flow”, never fit into anything. But I had some degree of control over my emotions – I let myself feel what I thought I should be feeling, and when I got bored of the experience I just changed my outlook and mood. I wasn’t truly alive, but I wasn’t dead either. I was alive, but not living. Just wandering through life, waiting for death, but not necessarily wishing for it. Only acknowledging it as an inevitability.
Then I found something that blew me away. It was like living in monochrome, black-and-white, when all of a sudden a rainbow touched my world and poured color into it. For the first time in my life, I wanted to be alive, and was truly happy I that was. I lived. For the first time in my life, I was scared of dying; to not be able to see such beautiful colors again. Scared of loss.
Then the rainbow left. It wasn’t like before when I was between life and death; I was brought to life and then killed. I died after the rainbow; inside at least. Now it’s different than before. I sincerely wish for death, because I’m already dead.
It’s one thing to be alive and have never lived.
It’s another to have lived and then return to merely being alive.
You may relate to my older post https://suicideproject.org/2018/07/already-dead/
I’d say I feel like I’m alive, but not in the best conditions. I’m more worried about feeling myself start to die and not being able to control, stop it. With how bad my condition is becoming. I try to ignore it but I’d have to say I think I would prefer suicide and picking the way you die rather than have to endure the excruciating torture of the last few months or weeks or even just that dreadful last moment, if you had a choice. At least then you could choose when you die and everything will be calculated so you die in a way you are content with.