I’ve struggled with depressed and ptsd since I was 10 or 11. I’ve lost track of time but it’s whats most familiar to me. I was molested and raped by my 2 older cousins for close to a year. I remember everything they did to me; I was in 5th grade. I’m graduated from high school now. My family has told me they don’t believe me. People don’t take it seriously when I tell them something bothers me and triggers my ptsd. People victimize themselves when I don’t want to be touched . I’ve had previous suicide attempts. Starting when I was 13 when I slashed my wrists to 3 days before my 17th birthday when I took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. I’m losing hope. Things keep getting worst. I can’t help my impulsive and reckless behaviors because it’s the only thing that brings me excited. I became pregnant by a guy who I don’t think truly loves me. I keep finding out that he’s entertaining other females. Im tired of things being bad. If I’m going to kill myself i need to do it soon. I just need the encouragement that I’m not doing the wrong thing. My mom is an amazing woman. My brother and sister-in-law are amazing. But I no longer want to be here because this pain is becoming unbearable. I feel like there’s something wrong with me due to my PTSD. I’m not like the people I see day to day and it’s driving me crazy because I don’t want to be like this anymore. I’ve been in and out of hospitals. I’ve seen therapists. I’m currently seeing one and I take vitamins, Prozac, and other stuff to improve my health to try to fix this agonizing pain. I’m tired of feeling this way. Tired of hurting and tired of things being bad. I recently lost my cousin to suicide and since then I’ve been wanting to join him. I can’t bear the thought of passing the pain onto my mother or brothers but I’m tired of living a nightmare. I don’t want to hurt my family but I don’t want to hurt anymore either. They have each other. I feel so alone and I feel like this life is pointless.
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Hi babykay,
I too have PTSD from my time in the service but also from a horrible childhood. So I feel like I can relate to what you have written. Impulsivity is bad with me too. If you need someone to talk to that experiences alot of what you do I am here.
You know I use to think ptsd was strictly an army thing or police officer. Someone who’s in danger basically. And then my step mother told me nope. And I realized that made sense.
I was molested starting around 8 years old but they never touched my genitals, except one time when I was sleeping when I was 9 or 10 and someone snuck in my room, raped me and then left. All I knew from that year on was I had to get away from the people who did those things NO MATTER WHAT and if that meant I had to kill myself in order to, then that would be what I would do. I never said anything and I don’t bother to because it doesn’t matter. I was supposed to get away from them as soon as I turned 18 but that hasn’t happened yet. I don’t think about it much anymore. That ended for a time when, thank god, the rapists left me alone for a whole 4 years, then in 2016 they started raping me again. I’ve been a homosexual woman since 1998. This guy offered me tickets to a football game (I don’t play sports, am not attracted in any way to males, and especially detest football because it is simply – just f*cking stupid.) then he grabbed me and raped me and then his friend joined in. That same type of situation had occurred 170 times since 2016. I think it is some psycho stalker I have trying to convert me through hypnosis or something….. I try to avoid it but when it happens so much. Whenever I have a flashback or it happens again, I have taken to self-harming. I will smash my head (when I am alone) against concrete walls, floors, any hard surface until I bruise. I have started scratching down my arms, my stomach until I bleed, and I have start biting my arms or skin trying to rip off the skin. This is of course just to hold me over until I commit suicide. If I could have I would have committed 14 years ago, but I’ve been waiting for 14 years. I am finally old enough to tie up my loose ends and finally get to committing. I’ve been looking forward to nothing other for the last 14 years.
If i had a choice, I had planned to leave the state and go at least 100 miles east, but then I was raped 170 times, so I think I’m gonna have to give up that dream and just finally kill myself. It has ALWAYS been either flee or commit, since I started getting molested as a child. But getting raped as an adult has been worse and I no longer see it as an option to commit because I no longer have the will to get out of bed.