So what can I say this time? Just came home from work – I screw up everything I do. I sit around work, unable to focus. I hate meetings. I am so anxious during work and get brain-fog so badly I cannot focus on the task at hand. Why does this happen? I do not understand how unfair the competitive advantage is we need to have to sustain ourselves in this sanctuary of a universe. I am here writing to you all on a Friday night of a long weekend ahead. Is it so relative that it feels as if I already lost my job? I bet I will get fired soon. All the lifelong dissonance makes me kindof pitying myself. I am such a gentle soul trying my best to focus and work the daily grind, but I fall short every time – and there is blood everywhere.
So the long and short of it is battling anxiety all my life. On a more cohesive note, the concern is around self-obsession and continuous awareness playing tricks on me. I am always self-aware to the point that my mind tries to screw with my thoughts. While I become aware, it is as if my brain operates on messing up my thoughts, and I end up becoming anxious worrying about losing control.
Why do I feel I am the only one unable to keep a job and focus? What is wrong with my mind? I cannot accept this; 29-year-old man, almost 30, living with my parents, and unable to keep a salary paying job. How do we survive in a world that is meant for number-crunching High IQ individuals with high cognitive dexterity?
I oftentimes feel so tired during work I just lay on my hands. Others digress from this by just working until the 9 hours ran out.
During meetings, I often look at the back-and-forth straw grabbing from my team members as they argue and resolve issues, and I am sitting there fearful about saying anything. If I were to say something, it is as if my words are fading into thin air. No one even pays attention to me.
On a more personal note, I am falling apart. Utterly surprising, isn’t it? Condensing some of my older archives on here, my problems flatline.
I just never got an ehow article on how to live life and make a success of it. There was no manual included at birth, and so I just had to make sense of it all. I guess sense is all relative…
4 comments
Don’t feel too lonely as you fail at life lol I’m pet-sitting at the moment because I gave up on university and I’m failing at that as well.
The dogs keep escaping, and then everyone lets the owner know his pampered dogs are running in the streets. So I just write to the owner, blaming it on the domestic helper (it actually was her fault, to be fair).
I’m just literally a failure at everything, but good news is you get used to it and then you don’t care anymore.
As they say, even hell gets comfy after a while?
lol look at me, just radiating positive energy, I should become an inspirational speaker or something
oh lol that question mark was supposed to be an upside down question mark, sorry for doing that wrong too:)
wtf? I meant to say that question mark was supposed to be an upside down smiley face.
I will never work because I planned since a little kid to kill my self immediately out of high school. But when I was in situations that involved large crowds of random people, I was kind of weird with focusing too, my thoughts, like your paragraph near the end were usually.. “why can’t I even speak..?” I went through every single day at school and I wouldn’t say one god d*mn word, but I was conscious of if, every day, my brain would be eating itself, screaming at me telling me there is something wrong with me because I could never say even one word. Of course, looking back it was probably due to my severe molestation when I was a small child and extreme bullying when I was in my first year of schooling. But ya, I gave up, and started planning my suicide around ten years old. I am very sickened to still be alive. (I can’t figure out how to get a gun to kill myself with, so I am forced to remain alive.) of course, the world is only meant for sleazy h*es and meatheads.