So what can I say this time? Just came home from work – I screw up everything I do. I sit around work, unable to focus. I hate meetings. I am so anxious during work and get brain-fog so badly I cannot focus on the task at hand. Why does this happen? I do not understand how unfair the competitive advantage is we need to have to sustain ourselves in this sanctuary of a universe. I am here writing to you all on a Friday night of a long weekend ahead. Is it so relative that it feels as if I already lost my job? I bet I will get fired soon. All the lifelong dissonance makes me kindof pitying myself. I am such a gentle soul trying my best to focus and work the daily grind, but I fall short every time – and there is blood everywhere.
So the long and short of it is battling anxiety all my life. On a more cohesive note, the concern is around self-obsession and continuous awareness playing tricks on me. I am always self-aware to the point that my mind tries to screw with my thoughts. While I become aware, it is as if my brain operates on messing up my thoughts, and I end up becoming anxious worrying about losing control.
Why do I feel I am the only one unable to keep a job and focus? What is wrong with my mind? I cannot accept this; 29-year-old man, almost 30, living with my parents, and unable to keep a salary paying job. How do we survive in a world that is meant for number-crunching High IQ individuals with high cognitive dexterity?
I oftentimes feel so tired during work I just lay on my hands. Others digress from this by just working until the 9 hours ran out.
During meetings, I often look at the back-and-forth straw grabbing from my team members as they argue and resolve issues, and I am sitting there fearful about saying anything. If I were to say something, it is as if my words are fading into thin air. No one even pays attention to me.
On a more personal note, I am falling apart. Utterly surprising, isn’t it? Condensing some of my older archives on here, my problems flatline.
I just never got an ehow article on how to live life and make a success of it. There was no manual included at birth, and so I just had to make sense of it all. I guess sense is all relative…