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intrudead

by farbeyondthegrave

So for the last 7 years ive been slowly withdrawing from everyone and everything. Legit have 0 friends. Havent gone out. Havent done anything. Psychosis has really done a number on me. The voices became just painful perspective on life that has pretty much destroyed all my social skills. I’m mostly fragments of what I think will keep the illusion of peace together. Lost all will power to attempt to control anything in my life. I barely eat. I stopped gyming. Falling away everyday. Still (hopelessly)  desiring a better life for what reason i dont know cause i cant even imagine it.

Final blows came in the last 2 years. I went to this leadership thingy and was doing fine for maybe the first month. Cause I was just doing what i needed to do for me but the people wanted to make it some sort of all for one and one for all thing. “Thoughts” started up again. Bashed me into the ground every second, and every second felt like a year. Couldnt cope and cant cope when there are that many people. Anger from my past isnt something I want to share. For me to lead myself I couldn’t be in that. So I left again again. Now they form part of my thoughts. I’m afraid again. Leader is gone. So is the light. Its just previously I could still see and feel it. Not anymore.

Never been numb like quite like this (no fight left, im part of the audience watching my life). I cant speak beyond a greeting. Trust is dead. And were it not for my fear of how my mom and sister… (although im sure they will be fine and they probably expect it).  feels like im already dead. Just others cant see it.

Just want to say thanks for the posts everyone. Didnt know that there were actually “others” out there. Kinda makes me feel less alone sort of and not really. My mind eventually ends up running into a state where the calculations tell me the odds of finding someone IRL to talk to that i dont have to pay to see is less than impossible. So theres goes all hope again again. ):)

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martraci 8/11/2019 - 10:08 am

I’ve been in the same position for years too. Gym is the only escape for me sometimes however it feels like I’m only getting back to where I was before. It’s not unusual to feel empty. I think feeling empty is still a feeling. It’s whether we choose to continue acknowledging this feeling that counts. It may feel familiar to do that and comforting.

farbeyondthegrave 8/11/2019 - 11:05 am

Yeah i cant comment on the 2nd part although im thankful for the perspective. Gyming is a good escape though. I should get back into it.

spreject 8/11/2019 - 6:01 pm

https://www.quora.com/What-makes-life-worth-living-1

Scroll down to Brandon Lee’s answer. What he’s saying is basically that the world is full of people who crave being noticed, being seen. And you can give them that, if you want. And it might improve your own life too.

Bisban 8/12/2019 - 3:08 am

What happens, when the yoke formulates into what it is suppose to, when the moment is fully ripe. It becomes the creation that it was meant to become, or, also, if you boil an egg in boiling water, then, it turns into the nourishment for living life; both are positive, things.

Cause of Death: Suicide 8/12/2019 - 7:35 am

I’ve been trying and waiting to commit suicide for 15 years. I’ve never had zero friends, I’ve never done anything in my life, I’ve never had any interests or hobbies, and I’ve never talked to a single person.

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