So for the last 7 years ive been slowly withdrawing from everyone and everything. Legit have 0 friends. Havent gone out. Havent done anything. Psychosis has really done a number on me. The voices became just painful perspective on life that has pretty much destroyed all my social skills. I’m mostly fragments of what I think will keep the illusion of peace together. Lost all will power to attempt to control anything in my life. I barely eat. I stopped gyming. Falling away everyday. Still (hopelessly) desiring a better life for what reason i dont know cause i cant even imagine it.
Final blows came in the last 2 years. I went to this leadership thingy and was doing fine for maybe the first month. Cause I was just doing what i needed to do for me but the people wanted to make it some sort of all for one and one for all thing. “Thoughts” started up again. Bashed me into the ground every second, and every second felt like a year. Couldnt cope and cant cope when there are that many people. Anger from my past isnt something I want to share. For me to lead myself I couldn’t be in that. So I left again again. Now they form part of my thoughts. I’m afraid again. Leader is gone. So is the light. Its just previously I could still see and feel it. Not anymore.
Never been numb like quite like this (no fight left, im part of the audience watching my life). I cant speak beyond a greeting. Trust is dead. And were it not for my fear of how my mom and sister… (although im sure they will be fine and they probably expect it). feels like im already dead. Just others cant see it.
Just want to say thanks for the posts everyone. Didnt know that there were actually “others” out there. Kinda makes me feel less alone sort of and not really. My mind eventually ends up running into a state where the calculations tell me the odds of finding someone IRL to talk to that i dont have to pay to see is less than impossible. So theres goes all hope again again. ):)